“We can’t set our hopes too high,” he said quietly. “It may be that for such knowledge we aren’t teachable-“
I looked soberly back at him, my heart crying in fear that it might be so.
“Look,” I said slowly. “If you had a hunger, a great big gnawing-inside hunger and no money and you saw a bakery shop window, which would you do? Turn your back on it? Or would you press your nose as close as you could against the glass and let at least your eyes feast? I know what I’d do.”
I reached for my sweater.
“And, you know, you never can tell. The shop door might open a crack, maybe-someday-“
IV
“I’D LIKE to talk with her a minute,” Lea said to Karen as the chattering group broke up. “May I?”
“Why, sure,” Karen said. “Melodye, have you a minute?”
“Oh, Karen!” Melodye threaded the rows back to Lea’s corner.
“That was wonderful! It was just like living it for the first time again, only underneath I knew what was coming next. But even so my blood ran cold when Abie-” She shuddered.
“Brother! Was that ever a day!”
“Melodye,” Karen said, “this is Lea. She wants to talk with you.”
“Hi, fellow alien,” Melodye smiled. “I’ve been wanting to meet you.”
“Do you believe-” Lea hesitated. “Was that really true?”
“Of course it was,” Melodye said. “I can show you my scars-mental, that is-from trying to learn to lift.” Then she laughed. “Don’t feel funny about doubting it. I still have my 3 A.M-ses when I can’t believe it myself.” She sobered. “But it is true. The People are the People.”
“And even if you’re not of the People,” Lea faltered, “could they-could they help anyway? I don’t mean anything broken. I mean, nothing visible-” She was suddenly covered with a sense of shame and betrayal as though caught hanging out a black line of sins in the morning sun. She turned her face away.
“They can help.” Melodye touched Lea’s shoulder gently.
“And, Lea, they never judge. They mend where mending is needed and leave the judgment to God.” And she was gone.
“Maybe,” Lea mourned, “if I had sinned some enormous sins I could have something big to forgive myself so I could start over, but all these niggling nibbling little nothingnesses-“
“All these niggling little, nibbling little nothingnesses that compounded themselves into such a great despair,” Karen said.
“And what is despair but a separation from the Presence-“
“Then the People do believe that there is-?”
“Our Home may be gone,” Karen said firmly, “and all of us exiles if you want to look at it that way, but there’s no galaxy wide enough to separate us from the Presence.”
Later that night Lea sat up in bed. “Karen?”
“Yes?” Karen’s voice came instantly from the darkness though Lea knew she was down the hall.
“Are you still shielding me from-from whatever it was?”
“No,” Karen said. “I released you this morning.”
“That’s what I thought.” Lea drew a quavering breath.
“Right now it’s all gone away, as though it had never been, but I’m still nowhere and going nowhere. Just waiting. And if I wait long enough it’ll come back again, that I know. Karen, what can I do to-not to be where I am now when it comes back?”
“You’re beginning to work at it now,” Karen said. “And if it does come back we’re here to help. It will never be so impenetrable again.”
“How could it be?” Lea murmured. “How could I have gone through anything as black as that and survived-or ever do it again?”
Lea lay back with a sigh. Then, sleepily, “Karen?”
“Yes?”
“Who was that down at the pool?”
“Don’t you know?” Karen’s voice smiled. “Have you looked around at all?”
“What good would it do? I can’t remember what he looked like. It’s been so long since I’ve noticed anything-and then the blackness-But he brought me back to the house, didn’t he? You must have seen him-“
“Must I?” Karen teased. “Maybe we could arrange to have him carry you again. “Arms remember when eyes forget.’ “
“‘There’s something wrong with that quotation,” Lea said drowsily, “‘But I’ll skip it for now.”
It seemed to Lea that she had just slipped under the edge of sleep when she heard Karen.
“What!” Karen cried. “Right now? Not tomorrow?”
“Karen!” Lea called, groping in the darkness for the light switch. “What’s the matter?”
“The matter!” Karen laughed and shot through the window, turning and tumbling ecstatically in midair.
“Nothing’s the matter! Oh, Lea, come and be joyful!” She grabbed Lea’s hands and pulled her up from the bed.
“Not Karen! No!” Lea cried as her bare feet curled themselves away from the empty air that seemed to lick at them.
“Put me down!” Terror sharpened her voice.
“Oh, I’m sorry!” Karen said, releasing her to plump gently down on her bed. She herself flashed again across the room and back in a froth of nightgowny ruffles. “Oh, be joyful! Be joyful unto the Lord!”
“What is it!” Lea cried, suddenly afraid, afraid of anything that might change things as they were. The vast emptiness began to cave away inside her. The blackness was a cloud the size of a man’s hand on the far horizon.
“It’s Valancy!” Karen cried, shooting away back through the window. “I have to get dressed! The baby’s here!”
“The baby!” Lea was bewildered. “What baby?”
“Is there any other baby?” Karen’s voice floated back, muffled. “‘Valancy and Jemmy’s. It’s here! I’m an aunt! Oh, dear, now I’m well on the way to becoming an ancestress. I thought they would never get around to it. It’s a girl! At least Jemmy says he thinks it’s a girl. He’s so excited that it could be both, or even triplets! Well, as soon as Valancy gets back-” She walked back through the door, brushing her hair briskly.
“What hospital did she go to?” Lea asked. “Isn’t this pretty isolated-“
“Hospital? Oh, none, of course. She’s at home.”
“But you said when she gets back-“
“Yes. It’s a far solemn journey to bring back a new life from the Presence. It takes a while.”
“But I didn’t even notice!” Lea cried. “Valancy was there tonight and I don’t remember-“
“But then you haven’t been noticing much of anything for a long time,” Karen said gently.
“But anything as obvious as that!” Lea protested.
“Fact remains, the baby’s here and it’s Valancy’s-with a little co-operation from Jemmy-and she didn’t carry it around in a knitting bag!
“Okay, Jemmy, I’m coming. Hold the fort!” She flashed, feet free of the floor, out the door, her hairbrush hovering forlornly, forgotten, in midair, until it finally drifted slowly out the door to the hall.
Lea huddled on the tumbled bed. A baby. A new life. “I had forgotten,” she thought. “Birth and death have still been going on. The world is still out there, wagging along as usual. I thought it had stopped. It had stopped for me. I lost winter. I lost spring. It must be summer now. Just think! Just think! There are people who found all my black days full of joyful anticipation-bright jewels slipping off the thread of time! And I’ve been going around and around like a donkey dragging a weight around a stake, winding myself tighter and tighter-” She straightened suddenly on the bed, spread-eagling out of her tight huddle. The darkness poured like a heavy flood in through the door-down from the ceiling-up from the floor.
“Karen!” she cried, feeling herself caught up to be crammed back into the boundaryless nothingness of herself again.
“No!” she gritted through her teeth. “Not this time!” She turned face down on the bed, clutching the pillow tightly with both hands. “Give me strength! Give me strength!” With an effort, almost physical, she turned her thoughts. “The baby-a new baby-crying. Do babies of the People cry? They must, having to leave the Presence for Earth. The baby-tiny fists clenched tightly, eyes clenched tightly shut. All powder and flannel and tiny curling feet. I can hold her. Tomorrow I can hold her. And feel the continuity of life-the eternal coming of God into the world. Rockabye baby. Sleep, baby, sleep. Thy Father watches His sheep. A new baby-tiny red fingers to curl around my finger. A baby-Valancy’s baby-“