Sleepless nights, I concurred. She never stopped smiling at me the whole while.
You're not cold? I asked.
Sure I'm cold, awful cold. You really shouldn't stay too long; then I just know it's too cold for you.
Probably so, I answered. My fingers trembled slightly as I pulled out a cigarette. I lit up and breathed in the smoke.
You're not going to play a game? she asked.
Nope, I answered.
Why not?
One hundred and sixty-five thousand, my best score. You remember?
I remember. It was my best score, too.
I don't want to tarnish it, I said.
She was silent. Only the ten bonus lights kept pulsing on and off. I looked down at my feet while I smoked.
Why did you come here?
You called me.
I did? She was puzzled, then smiled shyly. Yes, I guess that's true. Maybe I did call you.
I looked all over for you.
Thanks, she said. Talk to me.
You know, a lot of things have changed, I said. Your old game center is now an all-night doughnut shop. They serve the worst coffee.
That bad?
You remember a long time ago, in those Disney animal films, the zebras would be dying of thirst and they'd come upon this muddy waterhole? It's that color.
She giggled, a beautiful little laugh. What a horrible town, she said, in her normal voice Everything's so crude, filthy.
Them's the times.
She nodded. So tell me, what you been up to?
Doing translation work.
Novels?
Nah, I said, your day-to-day sludge. Pouring it from one gutter into another. That's all.
You don't enjoy your work?
Hmm, never thought about it.
And girls?
You probably won't believe me, but I'm living with twins now. They make great coffee.
She burst into a big smile, and looked off into space. It's all so strange. It's like nothing ever really happened.
No, it really happened, only it's gone.
Taking it hard?
Nah, I shook my head, things that come out of nowhere go back to nowhere, that's all.
We fell silent again. The thing we had shared was nothing more than a fragment of time that had died long ago. Even so, a faint glimmer of that warm memory still claimed a part of my heart. And when death claimed me, no doubt I would walk along by that faint light in the brief instant before being flung once again into the abyss of nothingness.
You'd better be going, she said.
The chill was getting unbearable, to be sure. I shook all over as I stomped out my cigarette.
Thanks for coming to see me, she said. We may not meet again, but take care.
Thanks, I said, farewell.
I left the ranks of pinball machines, climbed the steps, and threw the switch. The electricity went out of all the pinball machines like air out of a balloon, and a sleep of perfect silence fell over the place. I walked back across the warehouse, climbed the steps, switched off the lights, and shut the doors behind me. I didn't look back once the whole time. Not once did I look back.
* * *
It was a little before midnight when the taxi delivered me to my apartment. The twins were sitting in bed finishing up a crossword puzzle in a magazine. I looked pale, and my entire body gave off the smell of frozen chicken. I stuffed all the clothes I'd been wearing into the washing machine, and soaked in a hot bath. It took thirty minutes in the hot water before I was back to ordinary human consciousness, but I still hadn't completely gotten rid of the chill deep inside.
The twins dragged a gas heater out of the closet and lit it. After fifteen minutes I stopped shaking, took a deep breath, and heated up a can of onion soup.
"I'm all right now," I said.
"Really?"
"You still feel cold," worried one twin, feeling my wrist.
"I'll warm up quick."
Then I sank into bed, filled in the last two items in the crossword puzzle. One was "rainbow trout," the other "trail." My body soon warmed up, and we fell into a deep sleep pretty much together.
I dreamed about Trotsky's four reindeer. All four reindeer were wearing red wool socks. It was an awfully cold dream.
23
The Rat no longer saw the woman. He gave up looking at the lights of her room, too. Something in his being drifted a while in the dark, then vanished, like the coil of white smoke that rises from a candle when it's blown out. Then came a dark silence.
Silence. Peeling away layer by layer until what remained? Even the Rat didn't know. Pride? He lay on his bed looking from one hand to the other. A person probably couldn't live without pride. But living by pride alone, the prospects were too dark.
Way too dark.
Breaking up with the woman was simple. One Friday night he just didn't call her up. And that was that. She might have waited until midnight for his call. Thinking about this made it harder for him.
He felt his hand reaching for the telephone any number of times, but he controlled the urge. He put on headphones, and listened to records with the volume turned up. He knew she wouldn't call, but all the same he found himself wishing the phone would ring.
She waited until twelve, then probably gave up.
She washed her face, brushed her teeth, and crawled into bed. And thought, he's going to call tomorrow morning, for sure. Then she turned out the light, and slept.
But Saturday morning, the phone does not ring.
She opens the windows, eats breakfast, waters the potted plants. She waits until noon, then gives up once and for all. Brushing her hair in front of the mirror, she strikes a smile now and again, as if in practice. Then she thinks to herself that she knew this was going to happen.
All this time the Rat spent in his apartment with the blinds drawn tight, watching the hands of an electric clock on the wall. The air in the room was unbelievably still. A shallow sleep overcame him now and again. The hands on the clock ceased to mean anything. Everything drifted back and forth between different shades of darkness. The Rat saw his own body lose its physical presence, grow heavier, then become numb. How many hours, how many goddamn hours have I been sitting here like this, the Rat wondered. With every breath, the wall slowly pulsed before his very eyes. Space took on a density that began to permeate his body.
He had reached the point where he figured he couldn't hold out any longer. He stood up, took a shower, and shaved in a daze. He toweled dry, and drank some orange juice from the refrigerator. He changed into a new pair of pajamas, and climbed back into bed, thinking, that's over and done.
Then a deep sleep came over him. An awfully deep sleep.
24