you’re insane and I’m going to choke my sister and her buddy
Candace for setting me up on this odyssey. I could’ve said the
latter out loud because Jackie was completely focused on the
happy texter in front of us.
“Be right back,” she said as she shifted the car into neutral
and put on the parking brake.
“Where are you—” She was out of the car before I could
finish. I watched in shock as she walked up to the car in front of us,
reached into the driver’s window, and snatched the woman’s cell
phone from her hand. Jackie wound up like she was pitching for
the pros and tossed the phone into the brush along the interstate.
“Fetch, bitch!” she yelled over her shoulder as she marched back
to her car with a twisted smile.
I know I must have looked like I had lockjaw because I
couldn’t close my mouth as she got back into the car and sped off
down the shoulder. The owner of the cell phone looked exactly
like I did as we flew past. I dared not speak until she pulled off
at the next exit.
“Would you take me home, please?” I managed calmly when
we stopped at a light.
“Are you serious?” She looked offended that I’d made such a
request.
“Never mind, I’ll walk.” I was out of the car and halfway into
a convenience store parking lot when Jackie squealed her tires in
protest.
Robin Alexander
I could’ve called a cab, but I wanted Kalen to share in my
misery. After all, she was the cause. She tried to keep a serious
expression as I got into her car, but I could see the grin just waiting
to be turned loose. “She threw the woman’s cell phone?”
“In a week or year, this will be funny as shit, but right now,
Kalen, I want to choke you.”
“I’m sorry.” Kalen pretended to be looking in her side mirror,
but I knew she was on the verge of tears…of laughter. She cleared
her throat and shot me a quick glance. “You look really nice
tonight. How about we not waste a great hair day and go have a
few drinks?”
“Not interested. Take me home or I’ll jump out of your car,
too.”A tiny tear formed at the corner of Kalen’s right eye. In a
matter of minutes, she would have no control of her emotions.
We’d have to pull over until she laughed herself out, and I was in
no mood for it.
“And, Kalen, don’t try to fix me up anymore. I don’t want to
go out with any more wackos.”
“Hey.” Kalen raised a finger. “One bad apple—”
“One bad apple? Try a mixed bag of nuts!” I started ticking
off each catastrophe on my fingers. “There’s the woman who
claimed her cat talked to her, the other one who wanted to tie me
up and suck my toes on the first date, and this latest one tops them
all. Let me pick my own nightmares from now on.”
“Look, sis, I’m sorry. I really am. I have to call Candace right
now, she’s gonna shit.”
“I’ll get out here. You won’t have to make the block,” I said
when we got to my neighborhood.
Kalen reached over and grabbed my sleeve. “Shannon, I’m
sorry.”
“No problem,” I said, not looking back as I climbed out of the
car. I needed the fresh air. Frankly, I was tired of being the butt
of the joke.
I stomped rather than walked down the street toward my
building cursing under my breath. I slowed when I saw the woman
I’d noticed moving in a few days earlier. As anxious as I was to
10
Pitifully Ugly
be back in my apartment, I didn’t feel like having to endure small
talk with the new neighbor.
As I approached, I noticed the dog sitting at her feet as she
fumbled with the lock of the courtyard gate. A mass of long blond
curls obscured her face from view. Occasionally, she’d swat at
them angrily as she banged on the gate lock.
“Did you forget your key?” I asked. She spun on one heel,
obviously startled. The dog stood, letting me know that it had her
mistress’s back just in case.
“Do you live here?” She gave me a wary look.
“Uh-huh, third floor.” I pointed just in case she didn’t
understand.
“My key must not work,” she said with a shrug. “It goes in,
but the lock won’t turn.”
“It gets sticky sometimes after it rains or if it’s particularly
humid. Mind if I give it a try?”
She stepped back out of the way, and I jiggled the key until the
lock released. I handed her key back to her. “When I see Kevin,
I’ll ask him to oil it again. That helps a lot.”
“Kevin is your husband?” She ushered her dog through the gate.
“I’m not married,” I managed with an awkward smile.
“Kevin takes care of the building since the Healys don’t live on
the premises. He lives here on the first floor if you ever need
anything.”
“That’s right, Mrs. Healy did tell me about him when I moved
in. Everything’s been a blur this week. I’m Hailey Morgan by the
way. I just moved in.”
“It’s nice to meet you. I’m Shannon.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, as well.”
And this is where it gets difficult for me. If I’m talking about
a sticky lock, I’m fine, but beyond the topic at hand, I get tongue-
tied. The more it became apparent that I was expected to talk, my
mind went blank, and I just stood there like a dolt.
Her dog tilted her head, and for a second, I thought I could
read her mind. Speak, moron.
“Well, thank you for letting me in.” Hailey turned and walked
away.
11
Robin Alexander
I pretended to find something interesting in the courtyard
so I wouldn’t have to walk into the building with her. After the
door closed behind her, I dropped onto a bench and berated
myself. The night had been a complete disaster, and I topped it
off by humiliating myself in front of a woman who I’d no doubt
encounter again.
12
Pitifully Ugly
Chapter 2
The birth of Pitifully Ugly.
Perhaps it was unwise to build my online dating profile in the
Rainbow Room after consuming half a bottle of cabernet, but it
gave me the courage to hit the enter button.
Mid-thirties…well, maybe a little north of that, still single,
house broken but rabid. If you’re looking for something different,
then I’m your girl. Write me if you dare…
I chose a picture taken by my mother when I was six and had
cut my own hair. Mom had done her best to minimize the damage,
but no amount of doctoring could help the freckle-faced kid with
fire engine red hair. She’d taken what was left of my hair and put
it in two dog ears that stuck straight up on either side of my head.
My smile was huge, showing off the gap between my teeth.
My hair fortunately grew back out and turned a deep auburn
as I grew older. Braces had erased the Brycen gap in my front
teeth. The freckles that I detested had all but faded away, and
even still, I saw myself as the ragged imp in that picture. Pitifully
Ugly was the perfect user name.