After I’d sent my profile off to the local lesbian cyber
matchmaker, I went to bed. The chips would fall where they may,
but I seriously doubted that my cynical approach would yield
even one chip for me.
The next morning, I showered and took a good long look at
myself in the mirror. Things had to change. I needed to lose weight
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Robin Alexander
and do something about my hair. I made a promise to myself that
I’d make an appointment at one of the competing salons. I wanted
to keep my transformation private for as long as I could. I think
Kalen’s sister intuition must have kicked in because she called me
the minute after I’d made up my mind.
“Morning, baby sis, wanna meet me for lunch?” she chirped
as only a morning person could.
“I haven’t even eaten breakfast yet.”
“Right,” she countered sarcastically. “But you will be hungry
again by noon.”
I looked out my window at the dreary day. “I have a ton of
work to do, and I don’t feel like going out today. Besides, I’m still
pissed at you.”
I could hear the barely restrained laughter in Kalen’s voice as
she replied, “Suit yourself, but you won’t see me for two weeks.
Remember? We leave for the Caribbean tomorrow.”
I’d forgotten that she and her husband, Todd, were taking a
cruise. I’d be responsible for taking care of the salons that we
owned together by myself. My mood soured even more.
“I know, you need time to get your nerve up for the next two
weeks.” She let me off the hook before I had to say more. “All the
managers are fully capable of handling things. You’ll just have
to check in every now and then and take care of any calamities
that may arise. When I get back, you can totally retreat back into
your cave.”
“Thank you. Give my love to Toad.”
“I will, and I’ll check in every now and then, I promise. Love
you.”“Love you too.”
I hated it when Kalen took trips. Of course, I missed her, but
I despised having to deal with the daily operations of the salons.
We had the perfect setup. Kalen hated my job, and I hated hers.
For breakfast, I had a banana and a piece of raisin toast, my
first step in losing my extra ten unwanted pounds. Afterward,
I fired up the treadmill and walked until I was afraid that I’d
pass out. That concluded my exercise for the day even if it only
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lasted ten minutes. And for two weeks, I would not be having a
noontime pig fest with my twig of a sister. It was the perfect time
to begin my new diet.
After a shower, I sat at my desk with the intent of tackling a
backlog of work, but I made the mistake of peeking at my Rainbow
Room messages. I had five. Two said they were “voluptuous”
women looking for a good time. I deleted those. The next two
kind of scared me. They admitted to being rabid, too. Number
five intrigued me.
I doubt that you’re ugly. I think your pic is real y kind of cute,
so I wonder why you didn’t post a current photo. As for being
rabid, I’d suggest a visit to the hospital…immediately. I’m new to
New Orleans, and I’d like to just chat with someone who has a
sense of humor, and you obviously do.
Newbie
My common sense told me that this could very well be a man
cruising a lesbian dating site, but I just didn’t get that vibe.
Dear Newbie,
Welcome to New Orleans. The rabies is under control. I’ve
even stopped foaming at the mouth. I may be inclined to show you
a current picture, but I think we need to chat a bit more. So where
are you from and how’d you end up here?
P.U.
Who knew that chatting would be so easy? Safe behind my
computer screen, I felt empowered. I realized that I didn’t have
to suffer the awkward silence or struggle to make conversation. I
was almost giddy. Why hadn’t I tried this before?
I decided to take a peek at Newbie’s profile. There was no
picture, but her page was somewhat informative.
Smoker: No.
Likes: Dogs, classical music, and rock and roll, depending on
mood.
Exercise: Hate it, but I enjoy tennis and long walks.
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Sports: Watching them yes, playing them no. Refer to answer
above for the exception.
Favorite food: Food.
What are you looking for in a partner: I have no idea.
Newbie had answered much the same way I would have if I’d
have bothered to fill out the questionnaire.
It was after two when I realized that I’d been working without
a break. I made myself a salad for lunch and took a good hard
look at the treadmill. That’s as far as it went. I wasn’t getting
on that death trap again until the next day, so I signed into the
Rainbow Room and found two new messages waiting.
Hey, Pitifully Ugly,
I’m ugly, too. Let’s hook up.
Sinful
Delete.
Hi, P.U.,
I’m originally from Atlanta, but I transferred here for work.
I’m glad to hear that the foaming issue has been resolved. I
understand about not wanting to share your picture with a total
stranger, so we’ll shelve that idea until we get to know each other
better.
Is this your first time on a matchmaking site? It is for me. I’ve
always been leery of these things, but since I don’t know anyone
here, I thought it might be a good place to make a friend or two.
Are you from New Orleans? What’s your favorite thing about
living here?
Newbie
It was like fishing. I’d cast my line, and someone was taking
a nibble. Now I just had to decide if I should reel her in…and then
what would I do with her?
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Pitifully Ugly
Hi, Newbie,
I’ve lived in N.O. all my life. My favorite thing about the city
is the food, which is not really a good thing because I’m on a diet.
And now, I’m thinking about food. There’s a great place near the
French Market cal ed Fiorel a’s. If you ever go there, I’d suggest
the fried chicken. You have to wait a while for it because they fry
it when you order. This bird doesn’t sit under a heat lamp all day.
Okay, I have to get off the topic of food.
Believe it or not, this is my first go-round on a social
networking site. Like you, I thought it would be a good place to
meet people. Some of the messages I’ve been getting are a little
creepy, so thank you for being so down to earth. Okay, your turn.