through menopause.
The following morning, Kalen and I saw Mom off. We were
all teary-eyed as we said our goodbyes. Kalen promised to read
the labels closer on everything she ate and drank. Mom turned
to me. “Take care of your sister and your new girlfriend.” She
winked. “You’re right about Hailey—she is special.”
Kalen and I stood back and watched her go through security.
She looked over her shoulder and blew a kiss as she headed to her
gate. Kalen sniffed. “I wish she didn’t live so far away now.”
“When your baby arrives, they’ll be here so often that it’ll
feel like they live here.” I took her by the arm and began leading
her through the airport. “You’ll be begging for them to go back
to Florida then.”
Kalen wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “Was Hailey
upset about what Zoe had to say?”
“Not after I explained to her what actually happened.” I
opened the door to the parking lot for Kalen. “Thank you for
jumping in there and defending me.”
Kalen gave me a sideways glance as she passed in front of
me. “I like her, even though I was poised not to, but she’s sweet
and seems to be very genuine.”
“Thanks, I’m glad she has your approval. Look at it this way,”
I said with a smile. “You and Toad have two babysitters now.”
20
Pitifully Ugly
Chapter 32
Belated Valentine’s Day gifts…
Hailey’s favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day, so we decided to
have a belated celebration. Frankly, I just wanted a reason to spoil
her rotten, and this was the perfect excuse.
I sent Hailey off to work with a toe-curling kiss and warned
her to be prepared for spoiling when she got home. I’d already
bought her gift—a diamond heart necklace—but Fuzzy and I had
preparations to make. We went up to my apartment and gathered
all the stuff that I’d been collecting. She was no help with the
carrying, and I had to make two trips.
In the past week, while Hailey and I had been playing switch-
house and taking turns sleeping in both apartments, I learned some
things about her. First, she spits toothpaste all over the mirror and
faucet. I don’t know how she does it because I’ve watched her
brush, but it’s there when she finishes. She doesn’t eat leftovers.
If it’s been in the fridge for over twenty-four hours, it’s all bad.
And she has the uncanny ability to smell chocolate from at least
fifty paces, maybe even through a closed door. And that’s why I
had to hide everything in the closet of my spare bedroom.
In her apartment, I hid half-dozen four-inch solid dark
chocolate hearts that I special ordered from a bakery like I was
hiding Easter eggs. I quickly realized that I had to hide them high
because Fuzzy gleefully retrieved one and brought it to me. “This
one can be from you since you signed it with your teeth,” I told
her as I placed it on the book shelf.
Next, I arranged a dozen red roses in a vase and set them on
20
Robin Alexander
her table. They’d been smelling up my closet from the day before
but still looked fresh and beautiful. I took the second dozen and
pulled off all the petals and sprinkled them across the bed. I’d
seen it in a movie and always wanted to try it. After I had them
all spread out, I realized why I’d never done it before…I’d have to
clean them up later.
Fuzzy jumped up in the middle of the bed and rolled in them
with a look of complete joy as her tongue lolled out of her mouth.
“Get down! Oh, you’re ruining it! I had a whole petal feng shui
thing going there.” I spent the next five minutes brushing them
from her fur and rearranging them into the shape of a heart, then
I locked her ass out of the bedroom.
After I’d put Hailey’s necklace into a gift bag and filled it
with confetti hearts, I was ready to go back upstairs and work.
Fuzzy the destroyer went with me and spent most of her time in
front of my TV watching music videos. I sat at my desk and tried
to focus, but my mind kept wandering back to Hailey and the
night we’d spend. I’d just begun to make sense of the numbers
when I heard a knock on the door. Kevin stood in the hall with a
huge bouquet of flowers.
“Oh, Kevin, you shouldn’t have. I’m spoken for.”
“I wouldn’t have,” he said as he handed them to me.
“Something this size had to have cost a fortune.”
I closed the door thinking that was probably why Kevin was
still single. He was right, though, the arrangement was huge and
filled with roses, lilies, and brightly colored flowers. The card
written in Hailey’s own hand was sweet. You’re the reason I’ve
looked forward to this day. H.
I sent her a text message saying that some woman named
‘H’ sent me flowers, and she had some competition. Give me her
address was the reply.
An hour later, I was chugging along on the Rampart store
monthly audit, and there was another knock at the door. This time,
Kevin stood in the hall with a balloon bouquet. Giant red hearts
floated around his head. “These are cheaper. Are they from you?”
I asked, batting my eyes.
I could tell he wanted to grin. Instead, he said, “no,” as he
210
Pitifully Ugly
handed them to me. The card was again inscribed with Hailey’s
handwriting— I wish I were there with you. H.
I sent another text message telling Hailey that Ms. H had
struck again, this time with balloons. She replied, Wait till you
see what I got you, you’ll throw rocks at Ms. H.
I laughed aloud when I heard a knock an hour later. Kevin
wasn’t laughing when he handed me a cookie bouquet filled
with heart-shaped cookies and candies. “Let me tip you for your
trouble.” I handed him one of the larger cookies.
“Thanks,” he said as he retreated down the hall.
Hailey, it’s over. Ms. H has seduced me with cookies.
Her reply— Damn, you’re easy.
I wasn’t surprised when an hour later there was another knock.
“Kevin, now stop it, you’re just being ridiculous.” He rolled his
eyes as he handed me the gift basket. Hailey had been to Bath &
Body Works. The basket was filled with all the stuff I loved. The
card said, I was going to give you a gift certificate for a massage,
but I’d rather do that myself. H.
Before I could send a message to Hailey, she sent me one. You
won’t have to worry about Ms. H anymore. I’ve found her, and
she won’t be sending you anything else, so you’ll have to settle
for me.
At four, I took a shower and used some of Hailey’s gift to
make me smell nice. Fuzzy got a spritz of body spray, too, and
pouted for ten minutes. Afterward, I picked up dinner and took it
and Fuzzy down to Hailey’s apartment where Fuzzy was dressed
in her cupid costume. I played hell getting her halo aligned, but