Nigel crouched beside the shark that dwarfed him. “While the largest of Earth’s requiem sharks rival the Great Whites, Elfhome’s river sharks are remarkably larger. This one here is nearly five meters long. The record here in Pittsburgh is an unbelievable 6.4 meters. What do these massive creatures eat? Let’s see!”
In a move rival to one of Hal’s, Nigel plunged his whole arm into the slit cut into the shark’s stomach. He jerked back his hand wrapped in the pulsing glowing mass of a water fairy. “What do we have here?”
“Put it down!” Jane cried in warning.
“I’m trying to,” Nigel said calmly, despite the wince of pain that flashed across his face.
“That’s a water fairy.” Hal whipped out his ever-present expandable grab-stick. Joining Nigel in the frame, he used the tool to pry the gleaming mass from Nigel’s hand. “It’s a distant cousin of the cuttlefish that has been crossed with a jellyfish. This one is just a baby, but still a sturdy little critter, despite its appearance.”
“How poisonous is it?” Taggart murmured as the water fairy was peeled free to expose a massive welt on Nigel’s hand.
“Not very. Keep filming.” Jane headed to her truck for her first aid kit.
“Dmitri wants to know if you gave me a chip yet.” Mark met her at the jersey wall. Chloe and Kimberly trailed in his wake, hoping to glean what they could. “What chip?”
“This one.” She thrust the memory chip at him and kept going. Kimberly paused, unsure which of them were the hotter story.
Chloe kept pace with Jane. “Jane Kryskill, you’re the camera woman of Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden.”
“Field Producer,” Jane growled her official title, which Chloe probably damn well knew.
“You’re working with award-winning war correspondent Keaweaheulu Taggart.”
Did everyone in Pittsburgh but Jane knew who the hell Taggart was? Keaweaheulu? What kind of name was that? It sounded nearly as bad as an untranslated elf name. Jane ignored Chloe and unlocked her truck. She needed to get back to Nigel before his hand swelled up to the size of a baseball mitt.
“How is it that he’s here on Elfhome with footage of Princess Tinker being kidnapped? Did your network have foreknowledge of this? How did your network know to send an award-winning war correspondent this Shutdown?”
The questions started to sound damning when left unanswered. It was almost lunch time, which meant Chloe might be broadcasting live, giving little opportunity for damage control by the channel managers.
“Our network knew nothing about the kidnapping until it happened. By dumb luck, Hal Rogers happened to witness it and get footage. Surely, all your viewers know Hal and his dumb luck. Taggart is not here as a war correspondent.”
“Then what’s he doing here?”
“Trying to get eaten!” Jane turned to face Chloe square on. “Taggart is here is with world-famous naturalist Nigel Reid to film a network show called Chased by Monsters. They want to film Nigel coming face to face with Elfhome wildlife and hopefully surviving the experience.” She let her sarcasm drip through since most Pittsburghers were slightly disdainful of newcomers. “If any of Channel 5’s viewers hear of any monsters in the Pittsburgh area—other than reporter Chloe Polanski—please let us know.”
They ended up drinking Iron City Beer and eating blackened river shark and grilled water fairy in the Neighborhood of Make Believe.
“I didn’t realize you could eat water fairy.” Jane had been dubious as Taggart carefully grilled the skewered pieces over the charcoal grill in the studio’s parking lot. She wouldn’t let him feed any to Chesty until he’d proved it wasn’t fatal by eating some of the tentacles.
“Both cuttlefish and jellyfish are common street food in East Asia.” He waved his beer to take in the surrounding sets of fanciful puppet houses. “Can’t believe I’m drinking beer in the Neighborhood of Make Believe. It almost feels blasphemous. King Friday’s Castle. The Museum-Go-Round. The Platypus Mound.”
“The Platypus family was why I become a biologist.” Nigel was eating left-handed as his right was still swollen from the water fairy sting. “Dr. Bill Platypus and Elsie Jean and little Ornithorhynchus Anatinus.”
“I thought her name was Ana,” Jane said.
“It was Ana for short. Her full name was an in-joke. It’s the Latin scientific name for platypus. I identified with them at first because they were Scottish, like me, and then because they were so not like anyone else.” He pulled up his pants legs to show off the fact that both his legs were artificial. “Like me. I wanted to know everything about platypuses. And then to understand how unique they are, you have to understand the rest of the animal kingdom. One thing led to another and, voila, Dr. Nigel.”
“The only egg-laying venomous mammal on Earth,” Hal said. “God knows what the hell their cousin is like here on Elfhome. Can you imagine?”
“Have the elves even been to Australia?” Taggart asked.
“Not that we can tell.” Jane tapped on the table beside her tablet to draw their attention back to why they were at the studio in the first place. “Focus. We need to figure out what we’re shooting tomorrow. I’ve got all the monster tips that were sent to the station. We take the most mobile first, any warg or saurus sightings, if there’s any. Then work down by mobility.”
Taggart lifted his eyebrows in question to what she meant.
“Black willow and will-o-wisps are slow moving and will be in the same general area for a couple of days. Last on our list will be completely stationary creatures. Steel spinners. Strangle vines.”
“They’re also most common.” Hal read off his lot of the tips. “Strangle vine. Strangle vine. Spinners.”
“Loch Ness?” Nigel said. “Elfhome has a Nessie?”
The viewer had spotted “something huge in the river” from the I-79 Bridge. “What the hell was he doing down there?”
“What do you mean?” Taggart asked.
“Oh, I-79 is practically a road to nowhere since it’s right on the Rim. Oh, it was right after Startup. He was coming home.”
“A Loch Ness sounds promising,” Nigel said.
Jane shook her head. “No. He probably saw two sharks close together or just one really big shark. We don’t need more sharks for now. Besides, anything in the river is going to be hard to find and bloody dangerous since we’d have to beg, borrow, or steal a boat.”
“That would be fun,” Hal said.
“No!” Jane snapped. “We’ll do spiders before river monsters that may or may not be there.”
“Gossamer?” Taggart said.
“What?” Jane held out her hand for the tip. The caller pointed out that no one had ever been able to coax the elves into a close look at their living airship. “Now that has merit. I’ll see if Dmitri can get us onto the viceroy’s gossamer.”
“I can call the homeowner from this morning,” Hal offered. “He and his boss owe us.”
“The viceroy owes us,” Taggart said.
Not that their video had led to Tinker being found. Jane had checked for updates on the search all day. The EIA confirmed rumors that Windwolf had sent word to his cousin, the queen, requesting for royal troops to help find his bride. The Pittsburgh Police were asking for people to avoid known deserted areas. The updates accounted for everyone involved except the oni. It made it seem as if everyone in Pittsburgh was battling an invisible giant.
Jane put the gossamer tip aside. “Okay, that goes near the top, pending permission from the elves to tour the viceroy’s airship.”
“Oh, I can try out my call,” Nigel said.