“Oh, sweetie,” Bobbie Jo said, her eyes filling with pity. “You don’t have to be embarrassed by your shortcomings in that department. We’ve all been a virgin at some point, Anna. It’s natural to want to—”
“Why is everyone assuming I’m a virgin?”
Emily keeled over with laughter. “Holy shit! You’re not?”
God, I wished I had a hole to crawl into. “You know, just because I don’t look like one of those centerfold girls doesn’t mean I haven’t had offers.” I rose from my chair and grabbed my purse. “Never mind. This whole thing is embarrassing enough without being laughed at.”
Emily looked like a dog that had done something terribly wrong. Her eyes widened as her mouth drooped into a frown. “Oh, Anna. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were this upset. Please don’t go.” Her warm hand captured mine. “I’m probably not the best one to talk to about this stuff. Maybe I should leave and let you talk to Bobbie Jo alone.”
I plopped back down into my chair. “No. It’s not you. I’m the one who should apologize. I guess I’m still a little worked up from my encounter with him last night.” And possibly even more on edge after finding another hostile note with horrid grammar in my mailbox earlier today: Bridges don’t burn theirselves. I shook it off, not allowing the dread to consume me. “I’m letting all my fears and self-doubts control my emotions. I’m sorry.”
Emily shook her head and gave my hand a squeeze. “Sweetie, there’s nothing to forgive. I’m sorry I assumed anything about you. It wasn’t fair.”
“Me, too,” Bobbie Jo said. “And I’m guessing Cowboy made the same assumption?”
I nodded. “Yes, but I told him the truth and he got mad. Then he stormed out. I don’t really know what happened. I thought maybe you two could shed some light on what I did wrong.”
Bobbie Jo huffed out a breath. “Listen to me, Anna. You did nothing wrong. Maybe he was just as surprised as we were and had a bad reaction.”
“Yeah, like a coping mechanism,” Emily agreed. “He’s probably kicking himself in the ass right about now.”
“Well, he’s not the only one,” I told them. “I felt like such a fool for throwing myself at him like I did. Especially after what I went through the first time.”
Bobbie Jo looked puzzled. “You threw yourself at him before last night?”
“No. I meant…the last time I was with a man, the one who took my virginity.” I covered my face with my hands. “Oh, gosh. I swore I was never doing it again.”
“Technically, you aren’t,” Emily said with a grin. “Losing your virginity, I mean.”
“She gets the point,” Bobbie Jo said, rolling her eyes. “I think she meant sex. Right, Anna?”
“Yes, I meant sex. I…don’t like it.”
“What?” Emily shouted, stiffening in her seat. “What the hell do you mean you don’t like sex?”
I put my hand over my heart and felt it beating fast inside my chest. These women were my friends, but I knew it would be hard to tell them what I’d hidden inside me for so long. “I had a bad experience…the first time.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Bobbie Jo asked softly.
I nodded, but was reluctant to speak. I’d never mentioned it to anyone else before now. “I went on a few dates with this guy and was afraid he would get frustrated and possibly lose interest if I wasn’t willing to…well, you know.”
“Anna, did he hurt you?” Emily asked, blunt as usual.
Bobbie Jo gave her a sour look.
“It’s okay. I should’ve seen the red flags. He never really seemed to care about what I wanted. Everything was always about him. He chose which restaurant we went to and which movie we watched together. And by the fifth date, when he pressed the issue, I just…well, I didn’t want to be a virgin forever and thought maybe it was better than nothing.”
“No,” Emily said adamantly. “Better than nothing is not good enough.”
“He took advantage of your sweet vulnerability, Anna. No man should ever do that to a woman,” Bobbie Jo added.
Shame trickled throughout my body. “I didn’t enjoy it. Not that I expected to since it was my first time. But I wanted him to stop. He was too rough and was hurting me, but I didn’t say anything. I just wanted the whole encounter to end quickly.” I visibly shuddered and closed my eyes. “I wasn’t aroused. Not really. But he just kept poking and stabbing at me. I just lay there until he was finished and finally rolled off me. It was the most humiliating moment of my life.”
“You have nothing to be ashamed about,” Emily assured me. “That guy was an asshole. Don’t keep yourself from having a relationship—sexual or otherwise—with someone else because you’re afraid that they’ll be the same way. This time, you just need to make sure it’s with the right person.”
“Is that your way of saying you don’t think Cowboy is the right person?” I asked.
Bobbie Jo smiled. “Do you think he’s the right person? Because that’s really all that matters.”
“That, and the fact that he’s the Legend of the South,” Emily said, winking. “After all, that is what women around here say about him. He’s supposed to be a wonderful lover. Might be a wise move to get a lesson from the master.” She laughed a little. “Anna, have you ever had an orgasm?”
“Emily!” Bobbie Jo yelled.
“No,” I answered honestly, not giving her time to retract the question. “No man ever gave me one.”
Emily’s eyes widened slightly. “Well, why the hell are you waiting for a man to give you one? No one knows how to please you better than yourself. Give yourself one.”
Bobbie Jo shook her head. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Emily’s right. You can’t show a man what you like if you don’t really know yourself.”
“And faking an orgasm isn’t going to do him any favors,” Emily added. “It would just be you cheating yourself out of pleasure. You need to communicate what you want.”
“So, um…have you two ever…”
“What? Masturbated?” Emily leaned back in her chair with a huge grin. “Yep. In fact, I handcuffed Jake to the bed last night and let him watch. He loved it.”
“Oh God!” Bobbie Jo laughed. “Ever heard of TMI? You know I’m going to make fun of Jake for that one.”
“Don’t you dare! He’d kill me if he knew I told you that.”
I giggled. “What about you, Bobbie Jo?”
She grinned. “Are you kidding? I’m a single mom to a five-month-old. There’s not exactly a line of men banging down my door at the moment. I’m basically dating my vibrator.”
Emily and I laughed, but Bobbie Jo turned serious. “This is the thing, Anna. Whether it’s with Cowboy or someone else, don’t assume that because you sleep with someone that he’ll fall in love. You see what I’m going through with Jeremy. It’s not a fun situation to be in. Be careful.”
“I agree,” Emily said, nodding. “Some men are dogs and are always sniffing around for the next female in heat.”
“So, you’re saying that’s what Cowboy is doing?”
The girls glanced at each other and smiled. Then Bobbie Jo said, “No, I think you scared that hound dog up a tree. He probably anticipated a longer wait, but you put a stop to the chase and offered him up the reward. Now he doesn’t know what to do about it.”
“Maybe I should call him and—”
“God, no!” Emily shouted. “Jesus. Don’t make it so easy for him. For a man like Cowboy, it’s all about the chase. This time, he just barked up the wrong tree. If I’ve learned anything about him over the past year of knowing him, he’s probably at home right now, scooting his ass on the floor in circles trying to figure you out.”
“She’s right, Anna. Let him stew for a while,” Bobbie Jo suggested. “He’ll come pawing back at your door when he’s ready.”
Feeling a little unsure and apprehensive, I looked down and tangled my fingers together in my lap. “About that…” I said, lifting my head as my eyes glossed over. “There’s something else I haven’t told you, yet.”