When we were kids, we’d bickered frequently, the two-year age difference between us close enough to often be too close. I would have given my life for her in a heartbeat, but sometimes she really pissed me off. Probably because she knew me better than anyone.
Jackie fidgeted uncomfortably in her seat as though she wanted to be anywhere but here.
“That’s why we’re angry at Dad, isn’t it?” I added. “Because he lies and cheats and doesn’t care who he hurts? The difference between someone like him and Gray is that Gray recognizes that he fucked up. And he’s sorry. Dad isn’t ever sorry.”
Kate made a disgusted noise in her throat that was either her way of disagreeing with me, or her attempt to communicate her loathing for our father. I wasn’t sure which. Kate’s problems with my parents had begun way before news of our father’s affair and Jackie’s identity had come out. Kate had a bigger reason to hate him, one I wasn’t sure she would ever get over.
“Besides,” I continued, taking a deep breath to steady myself so I wasn’t too harsh with Kate. “I think you’re making a bigger deal out of this than it is. I just wanted to talk about it. I’m not having babies with the man. It’s not a big deal.”
“So why are you kissing him?” she challenged.
Jesus.
“Because I wanted to. Because I felt it and I’m so tired of not feeling anything. And because maybe he is the monster you think he is, but maybe he’s someone who made a series of bad decisions and now needs someone to believe in him. Maybe people deserve a second chance.”
Kate glared at me, her mouth tight. “You’re going to regret this.”
“You might be right. But he was honest with me from the beginning. He laid all of his sins, all of his secrets out for me when he didn’t owe me a fucking thing. He trusted me with that, and if he were an asshole, he could have said none of it and tried to get me into bed. So I’m going to give him a chance. Because everyone deserves to be forgiven for their mistakes.”
Kate stood up, setting her champagne flute on the tray resting atop the ottoman. She pulled up the zipper to her hoodie and grabbed her messenger bag from the floor. “I have to head out.” She turned back to face me. Her expression was still hard, and in that moment she looked like a warrior, but her voice softened slightly. “I love you. I just don’t want to see you get hurt again.”
I hated fighting with her, hated the permanent anger in my sister’s eyes. And more than anything, I hated the hurt that drove her now. I missed the sister who’d been a daredevil, occasionally a pain in my ass as only younger sisters could be. The sister who had laughed louder than anyone. The sister who’d smiled.
I reached out and gave Kate a hug, walking her out to the front door after she’d said her good-byes. “Love you,” I whispered.
She nodded.
I watched Kate walk away and then I went back into the living room where Jackie sat nursing her drink, her eyes wide.
I sank back onto the couch, wrapping a cashmere throw around my body. The one rule of sister brunch was that it was casual, so I’d dressed in yoga pants and a sweater more for comfort than anything else. I needed to go to the law library later in the afternoon to catch up on some reading.
“Is Kate okay?” Jackie asked. “She seemed . . .”
Lost. Angry. Hurt.
I sighed. Kate was never going to say anything to Jackie. For all that Kate had accepted her, there were walls that Kate didn’t let anyone past. Not even me.
“There’s something you should understand about Kate.”
“Is everything okay?” Jackie asked, concern in her voice.
“Kate was engaged her freshman year of college. When she was eighteen.”
Surprise flickered across Jackie’s face. We’d hung out quite a bit in the past few months, and not once in that time had Kate ever showed interest in a guy. Never even said anything that could make anyone think she was even interested in guys. She just didn’t care.
She was beautiful—dirty blonde hair past her shoulders, brown eyes, petite build. She wore cute, preppy clothes, but she did it for herself. I’d seen guys hit on Kate over and over again, only to be shot down before they could finish the words. She didn’t date. Didn’t have guy friends. Didn’t really have any friends. So the idea of Kate engaged at eighteen was shocking as hell. If you hadn’t known the Kate she was before.
“What happened?”
It had been three years, and it was still hard to push the words out. As much as I struggled to talk about it, I couldn’t imagine how Kate lived it.
“Her fiancé, Matt, grew up with us. He was my age and our families were close friends. We summered together in Martha’s Vineyard, socialized during the year. When she was little, Kate used to follow him everywhere.” My eyes welled up with tears as memories flooded me. “He was special. Always. Not many eight-year-old boys would want to hang out with a six-year-old girl, but he always made sure Kate was included. Always looked out for her. Kate and I weren’t that close then, I was more interested in books and playing with my dolls, and Kate wanted to be outside throwing a ball with the guys. They were inseparable. Their names were like one word—MattandKate. I think she loved him her entire life.”
We all had. He was smart, funny, kind. He’d been class president, homecoming king, captain of the soccer team. And he had loved my sister.
“We ended up going to the same high school. Matt was a junior when Kate was a freshman. All the girls wanted to date him, but he only wanted Kate. They became a couple and that was it. They were best friends, everything to each other.” My voice cracked as I said the rest, shame filling me. “I was happy for them, but honestly, I was a little jealous, too. They just had their own private world. I was dating Thom then, but he never looked at me like Matt looked at Kate. Like she was his everything.” I wiped a tear away from my face. “When Matt graduated high school, everyone thought he would go to an Ivy. He was a legacy at Princeton and his family had big plans for him to take over his father’s security company.”
I remembered it like it was yesterday. Coming home to find my sister’s face covered in tears.
“He enlisted in the military instead. Army. He wanted to serve, to fight for his country. That was just the kind of guy Matt was. He proposed to Kate on her eighteenth birthday when he was home on leave.
“My parents were furious. It was one thing for Kate and Matt to date when he was the heir apparent to the Ryan fortune. When they thought he had a future that fit their mold. But Matt’s parents freaked when he joined the military and they cut him off. And my parents didn’t like the narrative of their eighteen-year-old daughter engaged to an enlisted soldier.”
Angry red spots colored Jackie’s face. “That’s bullshit.”
“It was horrible. Kate had a huge fight with them and things have never been the same.” My voice shook. “Matt deployed to the Middle East at the beginning of Kate’s freshman year.”
I still remembered that horrible day. My phone ringing. My sister’s voice, numb, as if the life had been ripped out of her. Remembered holding her while she sobbed in my arms, animal-like noises coming from her mouth. Could still see her holding that folded American flag in her small, pale hands.
“Matt died in Afghanistan.”
No matter how many times I said it, it never got easier.
“We didn’t get a lot of information. He was Special Forces and his mission was classified. There wasn’t even a body to bury.” Another sob escaped.
Jackie shook her head, tears running down her face. “Oh my god.”
“A part of Kate died that day. She’s so unhappy. It’s like she’s a ghost, going through the motions. Sometimes I think her anger is all she has to hold on to.”
“I can’t even imagine.” Jackie wiped at her eyes. “If I lost Will . . .” her voice trailed off. “I can’t imagine surviving something like that.”