[SIR WEBLEY and NEEKS[6] laugh heartily.
NEEKS: He'd ... He'd have to be a magician for that, wouldn't he?
SIR WEBLEY: Ha, ha! Very good! He'd have to be a magician to do that, Trundleben.
TRUNDLEBEN: Yes, indeed, Sir Webley; indeed he would, Mr. Neeks.
SIR WEBLEY: But that stage direction is priceless. I'd really like to copy that down if you'd let me. What is it? "The sea with a ship"? It's the funniest bit of the lot.
TRUNDLEBEN: Yes, that's it, Sir Webley. Wait a moment, I have it here. The-the whole thing is "the sea with a ship, afterwards an island." Very funny indeed.
SIR WEBLEY: "Afterwards an island"! That's very good, too. "Afterwards an island." I'll put that down also. (He writes.) And what else, Trundleben? What else?
[TRUNDLEBEN holds out his list again.
TRUNDLEBEN: "The Tragedy of-of King Richard the-the Second."
SIR WEBLEY: But was his life a tragedy? Was it a tragedy, Neeks?
NEEKS: I-I-well I'm not quite sure; I really don't think so. But I'll look it up.
SIR WEBLEY: Yes, we can look it up.
TRUNDLEBEN: I think it was rather-perhaps rather tragic, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY: Oh, I don't say it wasn't. No doubt. No doubt at all. That's one thing. But to call his whole life a tragedy is-is quite another. What, Neeks?
NEEKS: Oh, quite another.
TRUNDLEBEN: Oh, certainly, Sir Webley. Tragedy is-er-is a very strong term indeed, to-to apply to such a case.
SIR WEBLEY: He was probably out poaching when he should have been learning his history.
TRUNDLEBEN: I'm afraid so, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY: And what else, eh? Anything more?
TRUNDLEBEN: Well, there are some poems, he says.
[Holds up a list.
SIR WEBLEY: And what are they about?
TRUNDLEBEN: Well, there's one called ... Oh. I'd really rather not mention that one; perhaps that had better be left out altogether.
NEEKS: Not...?
SIR WEBLEY: Not quite...?
TRUNDLEBEN: No, not at all.
SIR WEBLEY and NEEKS: H'm.
TRUNDLEBEN: Left out altogether. And then there are "Sonnets," and-and "Venus and Adonis," and-and "The Phoenix and the Turtle."
SIR WEBLEY: The Phoenix and the what?
TRUNDLEBEN: The Turtle.
SIR WEBLEY: Oh. Go on ...
TRUNDLEBEN: One called "The Passionate Pilgrim," another "A Lover's Complaint."
SIR WEBLEY: I think the whole thing's very regrettable.
NEEKS: I think so too, Sir Webley.
TRUNDLEBEN (mournfully): And there've been no poets since poor Browning died, none at all. It's absurd for him to call himself a poet.
NEEKS: Quite so, Trundleben, quite so.
SIR WEBLEY: And all these plays. What does he mean by calling them plays? They've never been acted.
TRUNDLEBEN: Well-er-no, not exactly acted, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY: What do you mean by not exactly, Trundleben?
TRUNDLEBEN: Well, I believe they were acted in America, though of course not in London.
SIR WEBLEY: In America? What's that got to do with it. America? Why, that's the other side of the Atlantic.
TRUNDLEBEN: Oh, yes, Sir Webley, I-I quite agree with you.
SIR WEBLEY: America! I daresay they did. I daresay they did act them. But that doesn't make him a suitable member for the Olympus. Quite the contrary.
NEEKS: Oh, quite the contrary.
TRUNDLEBEN: Oh, certainly, Sir Webley, certainly.
SIR WEBLEY: I daresay "Macbeth" would be the sort of thing that would appeal to Irish Americans. Just the sort of thing.
TRUNDLEBEN: Very likely, Sir Webley, I'm sure.
SIR WEBLEY: Their game laws are very lax, I believe, over there; they probably took to him on account of his being a poacher.
TRUNDLEBEN: I've no doubt of it, Sir Webley. Very likely.
NEEKS: I expect that was just it.
SIR WEBLEY: Well now, Trundleben; are we to ask the Olympus to elect a man who'll come in here with his pockets bulging with rabbits.
NEEKS: Rabbits, and hares too.
SIR WEBLEY: And venison even, if you come to that.
TRUNDLEBEN: Yes indeed, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY: Thank God the Olympus can get its haunch of venison without having to go to a man like that for it.
NEEKS: Yes indeed.
TRUNDLEBEN: Indeed I hope so.
SIR WEBLEY: Well now, about those plays. I don't say we've absolute proof that the man's entirely hopeless. We must be sure of our ground.
NEEKS: Yes, quite so.
TRUNDLEBEN: Oh, I'm afraid Sir Webley, they're very bad indeed. There are some quite unfortunate-er-references in them.
SIR WEBLEY: So I should have supposed. So I should have supposed.
NEEKS: Yes, yes, of course.
TRUNDLEBEN: For instance, in that play about that funny ship-I have a list of the characters here-and I'm afraid, well-er,-er you see for yourself. (Hands paper.) You see that is, I am afraid, in very bad taste, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY: Certainly, Trundleben, certainly. Very bad indeed.
NEEKS (peering): Er-er, what is it, Sir Webley?
SIR WEBLEY (pointing): That, you see.
NEEKS: A-a drunken butler! But most regrettable.
SIR WEBLEY: A very deserving class. A-a quite gratuitous slight. I don't say you mightn't see one drunken butler ...
TRUNDLEBEN: Quite so.
NEEKS: Yes, of course.
SIR WEBLEY: But to put it boldly on a programme like that is practically tantamount to implying that all butlers are drunken.
TRUNDLEBEN: Which is by no means true.
SIR WEBLEY: There would naturally be a protest of some sort, and to have a member of the Olympus mixed up with a controversy like that would be-er-naturally-er-most ...
TRUNDLEBEN: Yes, of course, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY: And then of course, if he does a thing like that once ...
NEEKS: There are probably other lapses just as deplorable.
TRUNDLEBEN: I haven't gone through his whole list, Sir Webley. I often feel about these modern writers that perhaps the less one looks the less one will find that might be, er ...
SIR WEBLEY: Yes, quite so.
NEEKS: That is certainly true.
SIR WEBLEY: Well, we can't wade all through his list of characters to see if they are all suitable to be represented on a stage.
TRUNDLEBEN: Oh no, Sir Webley, quite impossible; there are-there are-I might say-hundreds of them.
SIR WEBLEY: Good gracious! He must have been wasting his time a great deal.
TRUNDLEBEN: Oh, a great deal, Sir Webley.
SIR WEBLEY: But we shall have to go further into this. We can't have ...