When we finally parted, we were both breathing hard. I rested my forehead against his, closing my eyes and concentrating on the touch of his hands, the sound of his breathing, the warm feel of his skin against mine.
“I love you,” he said, his voice a low rasp.
Pulling back slightly so I could look into his eyes, I said, “And I love you, Kade Dennon.” I hadn’t said those words since he’d first regained consciousness, and it was almost a relief to be able to say them once more.
Then he was kissing me again until my breath was gone. He pressed light kisses to my cheeks, my closed eyes, my forehead before returning to my mouth.
“I thought you might not come back,” he breathed against my lips.
“I can’t seem to stay away.” Which was the absolute truth. Kade exerted a pull on me that I couldn’t resist.
Our eyes met. I could get lost in the clear blue depths of his gaze.
Kade tugged on my hand and I climbed up next to him. His arms curved around me, tucking me in close to his side.
“We can’t go on like this,” I said after a while. “Me. You. Blane. It needs an ending.”
His fingers had been combing through my hair. Now they stopped.
“What kind of an ending did you have in mind?”
“The only one there can be,” I said quietly. “I need to go my own way, and you two go yours.”
Kade’s grip on me tightened. “That’s bullshit.”
I shifted so I could see his face. “Then what, Kade?” I asked, exasperated.
“What do you mean?”
“You told me a month ago that we couldn’t be together,” I reminded him. “That it was too dangerous for me to be with you. Have you changed your mind?”
Kade studied me, his brow furrowed. His hand brushed my cheek. “I’m insane to want to keep you,” he murmured, “but I can’t let you go.”
And it seemed that’s the only answer I was going to get, because then he started kissing me and I didn’t have the heart to push him away, not when our time was limited.
The aroma of fresh coffee greeted me when next I opened my eyes. I sat up from where I’d been slumped in the hospital bed, wincing as my neck and back gave sharp protests. I automatically glanced next to me, then froze when I saw the space was empty.
“They took him for some more tests.”
I jerked around to see Blane leaning against the wall, sipping a cup of coffee. Shit. I hadn’t left in time to avoid him, and after our conversation yesterday, I was all about avoiding. He looked put together and perfect, his slate-gray suit one of my favorites. The scent of his cologne wafted toward me, reminding me that I still smelled like stale booze. Nice.
I disappeared into the bathroom, splashing some water on my face and trying to make myself look like I hadn’t spent the night again squished next to Kade. I didn’t think I was successful.
I had no idea what to say to Blane when I came out, though I felt like I should say something.
“Do you have court today?” I asked, desperately searching for small talk.
Blane’s steely gray gaze slid my way. “Yes.” He didn’t elaborate, taking another sip of coffee and glancing back out the window.
Okay, well, it wasn’t like I couldn’t read that “fuck off” message.
The tension was like thick cotton pressing on my lungs. I wanted to say something else, but didn’t know what could possibly break through the wall between us. Blane was shutting me out, his face absolutely blank as he sipped his coffee. He glanced at the clock on the wall and then out the window, ignoring me completely.
But there was nothing I could say to or ask of him. He owed me nothing. Now I was merely one among the many exes that littered his history.
I’d known it would be bad, despite what he’d said to the contrary. I just hadn’t realized how bad, or how much it would hurt.
It was the morning of the thirteenth day that Kade had been hospitalized. The doctor was optimistic about releasing him the next day. I’d slept fitfully and was groggy, though it was later in the morning than when I usually left.
“You all right?” Kade asked, his brow furrowing as he looked at me.
“I’m fine,” I said automatically, adding a smile. He was doing so well, his healing progressing perfectly, and looked much better. “I’m just going to splash some water on my face and go.”
“You don’t have to jump up and leave so fast,” he said, grabbing hold of my arm as I made to get out of the bed.
But I knew Blane would be there soon, and glancing at the clock I realized it would be sooner rather than later. My stomach knotted at even the thought of seeing him again.
“I’ve got to feed Tigger,” I lied, slipping out of his grip. “And do laundry. But I’ll be back tonight.”
“Don’t come back,” Kade said.
That made me pause. “What?”
“You look exhausted,” he said bluntly. “Go home. You’ll sleep better there.”
I shook my head. “Forget it. And since you’re still lying in a hospital bed, you can’t make me.”
But Kade didn’t smile at my teasing. His hand reached out to cup my cheek. The concern in his eyes made me relent.
“I’m just tired,” I said. “But I want to be here. I need to be here. Don’t make me stay away.”
The desperation I couldn’t conceal leached into my voice and Kade must’ve heard it, because he nodded, though the worry I saw in his eyes didn’t ebb.
I couldn’t really put into words how much Blane’s utter disregard bothered me. What I did know was that if I was cut off from Kade, too, I felt like I’d fall apart. I’d grown to need the both of them so much—too much—and now it seemed I would be crippled without them.
And it wasn’t anything I could say aloud. The feelings didn’t make sense. It was selfish of me, needy, and yet I felt what I felt. So I tried to hide it the best I could. I deserved nothing from Blane, actually deserved far worse than his cold indifference. He was being kind just to tolerate me.
All those thoughts and more assailed me as I stood in the bathroom. They’d taken Kade for more tests, the last he’d undergo before he’d be discharged. I’d heard Blane come in just as Kade was leaving, heard them exchange a few words. I’d been hiding in the bathroom ever since. I felt strange this morning, weak. But I’d skipped dinner again last night, so that was probably why.
I looked at my watch for the fifth time. Ten minutes had passed. I was such a coward. But the longer I took, the weirder it would seem when I came out, so I took a fortifying breath, forcing myself to turn the knob and open the door.
Blane glanced around from where he stood by the window, sipping coffee as usual. He seemed surprised to see me and I realized he hadn’t known I was there.
“I-I was just leaving,” I stammered.
His gaze shuttered as he gave a curt nod, not even bothering to speak to me. He was dressed for work, of course, in a black suit and tie, the linen of his shirt a stark white that contrasted with the golden tan of his skin. As always, I felt like the poor relation, with my slept-in clothes and tousled hair. It seemed he had the same thought, as his eyes traveled a path down to my worn flip-flops before he turned back to the window.
Cheeks burning, I hastily turned away, a move I instantly regretted as the room tilted in my vision and I had to grab on to the bathroom door to keep from falling. A wave of dizziness swept over me and I swayed on my feet. Distantly, I heard my name spoken right before my knees buckled, and then the sound of something hitting the floor. Everything went dark.
Yelling. Lots of yelling. But it was muffled, like cotton was stuffed in my ears.