His eyes were closed, the evenness of his breathing signaling that he was sound asleep. I dearly wanted to wake him, see his eyes and hear his voice again, but I resisted the temptation. I knew he needed to rest.
Being careful not to disturb him, I eased out of the bed and slipped on my shoes. After using the bathroom and splashing water on my face, I felt more awake. The few hours of sleep I’d gotten by Kade’s side was more than I’d had in days, though I was still tired. I felt like I could lie down and sleep for a week.
As I came out of the bathroom I suddenly realized . . . Blane wasn’t there.
Maybe he’d gone downstairs for coffee or something? I prayed I was right, but knew it was more likely that he’d woken, seen me in bed with Kade, and left.
I hadn’t meant to fall asleep. I’d just been so tired and so relieved to speak to Kade, but now I regretted climbing into bed with him. I didn’t want to dwell on what Blane must be thinking.
The thought of Blane and Kade still being at odds, even after everything that had happened, had my stomach churning with nausea. Grabbing my purse, I decided to go get some coffee. Everything would look better once I had some caffeine in my system. Even hospital coffee was better than nothing.
Unfortunately, I didn’t spot Blane in the cafeteria as I’d hoped I would. My heart sank. I must have been right in guessing that he’d left. Was he angry with me? He couldn’t be angry at Kade, not after what he’d done to save Blane. I’d much rather have him mad at me, though I didn’t want to hurt either Blane or Kade—I loved them both too much for that.
I sipped my coffee, loaded up with cream and sugar, as I headed back to Kade’s room. The sound of voices greeted me as I drew closer to his partially open door. I recognized Mona’s voice as she spoke, and her husband, Gerard’s. Kade must have woken. They would be overjoyed to see him conscious again.
I paused outside the door, glancing in just long enough to see Kade sitting upright in the bed while Mona, Gerard, and Blane surrounded him. Mona laughed, likely at something Kade had said. I could hear his voice, a low rasp when he spoke, but it was too quiet for me to understand what he was saying. They were all smiling, even Blane.
I thought about going in—I wanted to go in—but my feet wouldn’t obey.
They were all there together, happy. A family. If I went in, there’d be tension, putting a strain on everyone. Blane’s smile would become forced. Kade would be stressed, the last thing he needed as his body tried to recover. Mona and Gerard wouldn’t know what to say, since no one would want to talk about the elephant in the room.
Me.
I didn’t want that, for any of them. So I did the only thing I could think of doing.
I turned around . . . and I left.
KATHLEEN
CHAPTER ONE
Counting. Counting minutes and hours until time passed, because the more time that passed, the less I’d hurt. Or at least, that’s what everyone always said: Time heals. I wasn’t sure how much I believed that.
I was in an unwinnable situation. In love with two men—two brothers—and the consequences of that would hurt us all. So I’d taken myself out of the equation, again, but that didn’t stop the ache in my chest or the acid eating in my stomach as I unlocked my apartment door and let myself inside.
Tigger wrapped himself around my legs, nearly making me stumble. I guess he’d missed me. I reached down to scratch behind his ears and was immediately rewarded with loud purring.
Aimlessly, I went to the refrigerator, staring into its lit depths. Nothing seemed appealing, not that there was a lot to choose from anyway. Going to the cabinet, I grabbed a bag of animal crackers and retreated to the couch.
I munched, trying not to think. Yet I couldn’t stop myself from seeing Blane and Kade inside my head. The first night Blane had brought me home when my car had died, the night he’d stayed when Sheila had been murdered. The Christmas tree we’d decorated together and the many meals we’d shared while curled up on the couch.
And Kade. The morning he’d been there in the nick of time when I was being chased by a man who would have killed me. He’d sat with me, staring daggers at me, a sneer curling his lips. Playing bodyguard when he’d seemed barely able to tolerate my presence. The night he’d been wounded and collapsed on my couch, to when he’d shown up on my doorstep just a few weeks ago, his mere presence breaking through the ice encasing my emotions.
What was I going to do?
A part of my mind asked a question I wasn’t sure I wanted to answer. If I had it all to do over again, would I have gotten involved with Blane? If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be hurting like this.
The truth was something I didn’t want to face, because I cringed from what it said about me. Yes, I would do it all over again . . . because I’d not only fallen in love with Blane, I’d also fallen in love with Kade.
My nearly nonexistent appetite disappeared completely and I set aside the crackers.
Even as I loved Blane, Kade had also made his way into my heart. That had become crystal clear in the hours I’d spent waiting to see if he’d live or die. So what did that make me? The kind of person I swore I’d never be—someone who could come between Blane and Kade.
What would happen to the three of us? Kade loved me—he’d told me so—but had offered me nothing that he hadn’t rescinded. When he’d been lying on the hard ground, his blood coating my hands and each breath possibly his last, all the worry and heartache over what I felt for Blane—what my admitting that I’d fallen in love with Kade would do to him—had paled in significance to the very real possibility that I might lose Kade forever.
Priorities tend to shift in the face of death. While I’d faced my own mortality before, I hadn’t until that moment faced Kade’s.
I couldn’t pinpoint where or when it had happened. It wasn’t like one moment I hadn’t loved Kade, and the next I had. It had been gradual, creeping up on me when I wasn’t looking.
I shouldn’t love him, not like this. By all rights, I should want to be with Blane. Blane was the good guy, the white knight. He wanted the same things I did—a settled life together and a family. His career had great potential and he was good at what he did. We were a good pair, had a good time together. Blane loved me, and yes, I loved him, too.
Yet Kade and I clicked, like two puzzle pieces fitting together. It shouldn’t work, shouldn’t be like that. Kade had done awful things. He’d been paid to kill people, and I’d never been brave enough to ask how many. He broke the law on an almost daily basis and displayed an alarming lack of concern as to what would happen to him if he ever got caught. My parents would roll over in their graves if they knew I’d fallen in love with such a person.
But I’d seen firsthand that there was more to Kade than what he allowed people to see. He’d let me in through the chinks in his armor. He did care, had cared about me right from the start, no matter what his mouth had said to the contrary. Kade may have been insulting me and cursing me six ways from Sunday, but he’d protected me from harm and saved me from certain death many times over. Whether it was as simple a thing as carrying me across a gravel lot so my feet wouldn’t get torn up, to pulling me from a car set to explode, to doing the impossible and finding me chained in a shed in the middle of nowhere.
It was dangerous, loving Kade. My run-in with Garrett had taught me that. Using me as leverage, Garrett would have killed me, if not for Kade’s timely arrival. Who was to say that wouldn’t happen again? There were probably a dozen people or more who could want Kade dead. I would be a weakness, an Achilles’ heel that could end up hurting him. Who’s to say that he would want to be together, even now? He’d once told me, You’re the most vulnerable part of me. A year ago, I would have killed you myself if I’d known. And I hadn’t doubted him.