Our acting highlight, Jan’s and mine, came when our group took part in a county drama competition, and lifted the trophy. One of the judges was a Scottish Television producer, who thought enough of us to offer us parts, there and then, as gormless country teenagers in a forthcoming Taggart episode. Filming clashed with the run-up to our Highers exams, though, so we were forced to turn him, and his money, down.
When Miles gave me my first screen test, somehow it had all come back. He’s still quite chuffed that he’s taken a complete beginner and turned him into a feature player, and I’ve never got round to explaining that it wasn’t quite that way.
I laid down the book and picked up the script and looked at the cast list; it was impressive, and I felt privileged that my name was on it. Right at its head, was Ewan Capperauld, undoubtedly Scotland’s best known movie actor; apart, that is, from old 007. I had seen him many a time, in the television series that had launched his career, and in most of his films.
Miles had worked with him before, having cast him, for a ton of money, in a key cameo part in his remake of Kidnapped a couple of years earlier; that film had been Dawn’s big breakthrough, in more ways than one.
The other feature parts would be played by my old chum Scott Steele, who more or less cast himself as Chief Constable James Proud, by Bill Massey, a smooth English actor who would be perfect as the bad guy, by Rhona Waitrose, an up-and-coming young Scot with big eyes and bouncy hair, just like Skinner’s daughter in the book, and by Masahi Katayama, a celebrated Japanese actor, who had one of the key roles and who would give the project added international appeal.
I knew Scott well, and Dawn of course, in a professional as well as a family sense, and was comfortable with them, but the idea of working with the others started the hamster running around in my stomach. I didn’t worry about it too much, though; I’d been in the business long enough to know that every performer has some nerves. Those who do best are those who overcome them best, and so far I’d managed.
There was one other guy on the cast list who would give the movie added value, and might widen its audience. One of the minor roles was a half-Irish, half-Italian detective called Mario McGuire. I’d persuaded Miles to give a test to my friend Liam Matthews, one of the stars of the Global Wrestling Alliance, where I’d cut my television teeth as ring announcer. All wrestlers these days are part-actor as well, and so he had sailed through. His major contribution to the story would be to get shot at the end, but no one can fake being hit like Liam.
I was smiling at the thought when the phone rang; so far only Susie, my Dad and Miles had the number, but I’d put my cellphone on divert when I’d come back in. I picked it up; Liam must have known I’d been thinking about him.
‘How’re you doing?’ I asked him. ‘Word perfect yet?’
‘Christ, man, it’s hardly going to take me long. I’ve only got about ten lines, then I go down in this big gunfight. I’m not exactly playing Hamlet.’
‘No, but you get your leg over, and that’s more than he does.’
‘True; it has its compensations. Actually, I’m a bit worried about that.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, when she gets her kit off, what if I sort of. . You know what I mean, man.’
‘Become aroused, you mean?’
‘That’s the polite term, yes.’
‘Try to think of something else, like Jerry Gradi throwing your arse across the ring.’
‘Mmm. It might take more than that, depending on the lady’s appearance.’
‘Look, man,’ I told him, ‘it’s not a problem. They put something in your tea; that’s what happened in Toronto.’
He bought it. ‘Christ, man, are you fucking serious! How long does it take to wear off?’
‘Not long. After a couple of weeks, you should see the first signs of life.’
I heard him gasp. ‘A couple of weeks. .’ He stopped. ‘Fuck it, I think I’ll just wear baggy pyjamas.’
When I stopped laughing, I asked him why he had called. ‘To wish you all the best,’ he began, ‘to ask after your new child, who is all over the funny papers. . you never do anything conventional, pal, do you. . and to pass on a message.’
‘What’s that?’
‘The office took a call today, while we were all on the way back from a show in Cardiff. It was a girl, and she was looking for you. She said her name was Alison Goodchild; and that she was an old friend of yours. She said she needs to get in touch with you, and that it’s urgent.’ Liam paused. ‘You haven’t got another one up the duff, have you?’
‘We took great pains not to do that,’ I told him. ‘But that was a few years back now. Did they take a number?’
‘Yes.’ He read it out, after I had grabbed a pen; it was a mobile, not a landline. ‘She asked if you could send her a text message; she said she doesn’t like speaking on the thing.’
Funny, I thought, then I remembered that Alison had always been a touch weird.
‘If it makes her happy. I’ll do that. Have you been told about the cast meeting yet?’
‘No. When’s that?’
I gave him the date and time, and told him how to find the apartment. ‘See you Thursday.’
‘Sure. Hey, were you serious about the stuff in your tea?’
‘Nah. Did you mean it, about the baggy pyjamas?’
‘What do you think?’
‘A pair of boxers is probably all you’ll need.’
I hung up, and thought of Alison; our thing had been doomed from the start. I could never take her as seriously as she had taken herself. I used to call her ‘Tomorrow’; she thought it was after the song ‘Tomorrow Belongs to Me’, but actually, it was because she never came. Eventually I found someone who did, and that was that. Okay, I was a rat in those days; I admit it.
I looked at the number Liam had given me; then I switched on my mobile and keyed in a text message giving her my landline number and inviting her to call me.
I switched on the telly and was getting into David Attenborough telling me how important fieldmice are to the eco-system, when my cellphone bleeped twice to tell me that I had an incoming text message.
I accessed it and read. ‘Can’t phone. Can we meet?’
Strange, I thought, but I sent back, ‘OK. Where? When?’
Two minutes later, I bleeped again. ‘9:30 tonight? Cafe Royal?’ I read. I frowned; I was getting into those fieldmice, and there was a rerun of the afternoon’s premiership match on Sky afterwards. Also, I didn’t fancy the Cafe Royal; it’s always busy and I’m at the stage of being recognised and accosted by punters I don’t know. I don’t mind, but they can be hard to shake loose. So I thought about it, then sent another message. ‘Time okay, but not CR. George Hotel bar.’ I waited, only partly focused on the mice. It took her less than a minute this time. ‘OK. C U’.
There is no doubt about it; text messaging is changing the face of the English language, as it is rote.
Chapter 13
The great thing about my new temporary home was that it was less than ten minutes’ walk from anywhere in central Edinburgh. As I had hoped, the George Hotel bar was quiet; there were a couple of Japanese tourists and a table of loud American golfers, but otherwise only the barman and me.
He had just finished pouring what looked like a perfect pint of lager when Alison Goodchild appeared in the doorway. . at least I guessed it was Alison. When we had been together, she had been a thin, pale, understated wee thing, with poorly cut mid-brown hair, little or no make-up, and a bad habit of catalogue shopping for clothes. In fact when I’d been watching Attenborough’s mice, she had come to mind.