“Now, you don’t want what’s behind Door Number One, so let’s see what’s behind Door Number Two.” I bent forward and leaned over the table, supporting myself on my two outstretched arms, and looked Ruff straight in the eye. “What’s behind Door Number Two is a big, steaming pile of shit that your boss dropped there, and a spoon. And just what will your boss do when he opens Door Number Two on national television? I’ll tell you what he’s going to do! He’s going to slap his biggest smile on his face, take that spoon, dig in deep, pick up a healthy heaping spoonful, and suck it down! And then after that, he’s going to slap on an even bigger smile, lick his lips, and go, ‘YUM! TASTY!’ That’s what he’s going to do! Is that understood? He is going to suck it up, take his punishment, and get on with his life and being the President, because the only other choice is to have me turn his remaining two years in office into a living hell. Are we clear on that? He has until the end of business Friday to announce his gracious acceptance of the censure and his hope the nation forgives his mistakes. And then this all goes away, and we can all get on with our lives.”
I stood upright. “Now that we have settled the negotiations, you can go back down to the other end of the street and report in. Do that now. This is the Capitol, the People’s House. You are here as our guests.” I pointed towards the door. “There’s the door. Close it after you leave.”
The room was silent. Ruff looked at me hard, and then packed his briefcase without another word. His two flunkies noted this, and packed their own briefcases. They stood when Ruff stood, and followed him out the door.
I went back down to my seat. I could feel the eyes of the others on me, Armey with a certain degree of loathing, and DeLay, Gephardt, and Bonior with an equal degree of curiosity. Armey said, “You want to explain what the hell that was all about?!”
I turned to face him straight on. “Back when I was a battery commander, I had this sergeant, an old country boy, who used to say that when you wanted to get an ornery mule to do something, the first thing you had to do was to get the mule’s attention, and the best way to do that was to take a two-by-four and smack him as hard as you could right between the eyes! Then, once you’ve got his attention, you can get the mule to do what you want.” I pointed over at the door. “I just got their attention.” I hadn’t brought a briefcase, so I simply headed for the door myself. “See you fellows later.” One way or the other, we’d know what would happen by Friday evening.
Chapter 124: A New Job
The rest of 1998 was almost as big a watershed event for the Republicans as 1994 had been. For me, it went fairly well, though parts were expected, and parts weren’t.
On the Friday after I told Chuck Ruff where to head in, Clinton capitulated. The White House press corps was informed at the morning press briefing that the President would make a brief statement, and there would be no questions afterwards. At ten o’clock that morning, the camera began rolling and Bill Clinton appeared behind his desk in the Oval Office. He only spoke about ten minutes, and apologized to his family and to the American people, and thanked Congress for the understanding they had shown. He never specifically stated the words impeachment or censure, but it was sufficient for my colleagues and me.
The next thing that happened was that Buckman v. Curren came to an end. This was the Federal court case that had been ongoing since I had attempted to get a gun permit in Maryland under the Defending the Second Amendment Act. Maryland Attorney General Curren had denied the permit, and my attorney, David Boies, had promptly filed suit in Federal court, and gotten me a stay on the denial. That was over two years ago! Since then it had been to Federal court, where we won, and Maryland had appealed. The Fourth Circuit, which covered Maryland, the Virginias, and the Carolinas, made a technical ruling that did not invalidate the law, but sent the case back to trial, where we won the case again. Back to the appeals process we went, and we won that before the standard three judge panel appeals court, and then when they lost, Maryland appealed it to the full court, en banc. They also lost that, and even worse, they lost the request to stay the order until they could appeal it to the Supreme Court.
Now, at the start of October, the Supreme Court announced the cases they would hear, and they refused to hear Buckman v. Curren, which meant that the lower court’s ruling held, and the state of Maryland was shit out of luck! I did a number of talk shows about the meaning of the ruling, and how it was a victory for law abiding citizens everywhere in the country.
I did not start wearing a gun. I was perfectly content to let my security people handle that problem for me. If I was just an average asshole, however, I would have definitely worn it. From everything I was hearing from local law enforcement, while there had been an initial rush for permits, most of them were people who had already applied and been turned down, because they didn’t ‘need’ a gun (like I didn’t need one with Hamilton!) It didn’t seem like there was any kind of a rush for half the state to be getting permits. I was hearing the same from my colleagues from other states.
On another front, Jerry Herzinski did not prove to be the world beating candidate the Democratic Party had hoped for. Yes, he was a good small town mayor, but he could put a tweaking meth addict to sleep. You want to have your supporters more excited at the end of your speech than at the beginning, but it’s supposed to be because you have them worked up, not happy to see you finish! I was not taking him lightly, but everything was pointing towards a major win on November 3 for the Republican candidate for the Maryland Ninth.
For one thing, by now, my constituent services team really had their shit together. If they couldn’t fix a problem themselves, they made no bones about putting me to work. I would be provided with the names of the people to call and lists of bullet points to argue, and sent out ‘either with your shield or on it’, as Spartan hoplites were told by their mothers. In other words, get it fixed, or don’t come back to the office! Some of my constituent services people were pretty tough cookies, and I didn’t want to chance that they meant it!
For another thing, never underestimate the power of incumbency. There are the obvious advantages, such as taking credit for using government money to do something your constituents want. “This bridge repair was brought to you by the efforts of Congressman Buckman!” Combined with my penchant for strategic donations by the Buckman Foundation, this was a very winning combination.