The central heating system wasn’t the best conductor of conversations in the world, it tended to parenthesize its own gurgles at important moments, but Skullion had heard enough to startle him. The Master’s threat to resign he had greeted with delight, only to feel the sting in its tail with an alarm that equalled that of the Fellows. His thoughts flew to his Scholars and the threat that public exposure of the sort Sir Godber was proposing would do to them. Sir Cathcart must hear this new danger at once – but then the Dean had proposed his own solution and Skullion’s heart had warmed to the old man. “There’s life in the old Dean yet,” he said to himself and chuckled at the thought of Sir Godber retracting his resignation only to find that he had been outsmarted. Powerful allies, the Dean had said and Skullion wondered if the old man knew just how powerful some of those allies were, or what a threat the Master’s disclosure would pose to them. Cabinet ministers ranked among Skullion’s Scholars, cabinet ministers, civil servants, directors of the Bank of England, eminent men indeed. It began to dawn on Skullion that the Master was in a stronger position than he knew. A public enquiry into the academic antecedents of so many public figures would have appalling consequences, and the powerful allies the Dean evidently had in mind were hardly likely to put up more than token opposition to the changes at Porterhouse the Master wanted, if the alternative was a national scandal in which they would figure so prominently. The Dean was barking up the wrong tree after all, and Skullion’s premature optimism gave way to a deep melancholy. At this rate there would be women in Porterhouse before the year was out. It was a prospect that infuriated him. “Over my dead body,” he muttered darkly, and pondered ways and means of frustrating Sir Godber.
Chapter 8
Zipser was drunk. Eight pints of bitter, each drunk in a different pub, had changed his outlook on life. The narrow confines of his compulsion had given way to a brighter, broader, more expansive frame of mind. True, his haircuts had left him shorn and practically bald and with an aversion for the company of barbers which would last him a lifetime, but his eyes sparkled, his cheeks had a ruddier, rosier look, and he was in a mood to run the gauntlet of a hundred middle-aged housewives and to face the disapproval of as many chemists in search of an immaculate misconception. In any case a flash of inspiration had robbed him of the need to publicize his requirements. As he had wandered up Sidney Street after his second haircut he had suddenly recalled having seen a contraceptive dispenser in the lavatory of a pub in Bermondsey, and while Bermondsey was rather too far to go in search of a discreet anonymity, it occurred to him that Cambridge pubs must surely offer a similarly sophisticated service for lovers caught as it were on the hop. Zipser’s spirits rose with the thought. He went into the first pub he came to and ordered a pint. Ten minutes later he left that pub empty-handed and found another only to be similarly disappointed. By the time he had been to six pubs and had drunk six pints of bitter he was in a mood to point out the deficiency of their service to the bartenders. At the seventh pub he struck gold. Waiting until two elderly men had finished a protracted pee Zipser fumbled with his change and put two coins into the machine. He was about to pull the handle when an undergraduate came in. Zipser went out and finished his seventh pint keeping an eagle eye on the door of the Gents. Two minutes later he was back and tugging at the handle. Nothing happened. He pulled and pushed but the dispenser refused to dispense. He peered into the Money Returned slot and found it empty. Finally he put two more coins in and pulled the handle again. This time his money dropped into the slot and Zipser took it out and looked at it. The damned dispenser was empty. Zipser went back to the bar and ordered an eighth pint.
“That machine in the toilet,” he said conspiratorially to the barman.
“What about it?” the barman asked.
“It’s empty,” said Zipser.
“That’s right,” said the barman. “It’s always empty.”
“Well, it’s got some of my money in it.”
“You don’t say.”
“I do say.”
“A gin and tonic,” said a man with a moustache next to Zipser.
“Coming up,” said the barman. Zipser sipped his pint while the barman poured a gin and tonic. Finally when the man with the moustache had taken his drink back to a table by the window, Zipser raised the subject of faulty dispensers again. He was beginning to feel distinctly belligerent.
“What are you going to do about my money?” he asked.
The barman looked at him warily.
“How do I know you put any in?” he asked. “How do I know you’re not just trying it on?”
Zipser considered the question.
“I don’t see how I can,” he said finally. “I haven’t got it.”
“Very funny,” said the barman. “If you’ve got any complaints to make about that dispenser, you take them to the suppliers.” He reached under the bar and produced a card and handed it to Zipser. “You go and tell them your problems. They stock the machines. I don’t. All right?” Zipser nodded and the man went off down the other end of the counter to serve a customer. Zipser left the pub with the card and went down the road. He found the suppliers in Mill Road. There was a young man with a beard behind the counter. Zipser went in and put the card down in front of him.
“I’ve come from the Unicorn,” he said. “The dispenser is empty.”
“What already?” the man said. “Don’t know what happens to them, they go so quickly.”
“I want…” Zipser began thickly but the young man had disappeared through a door-to the back. Zipser was beginning to feel distinctly light-headed. He tried to think what he was doing discussing wholesale contraceptive sales with a young man with a beard in an office in Mill Road.
“Here you are. Two gross. Sign here,” said the clerk reappearing from the back with two cartons which he plonked on the counter. Zipser stared at the cartons, and was about to explain that he had merely come to ask for his money back when a woman came in. Zipser suddenly felt sick. He picked up the ballpen and signed the slip and then, clutching the two cartons, stumbled from the shop.
By the time he got back to the Unicorn the pub was shut. Zipser tried knocking on the door without result and finally gave it up and went back to Porterhouse.
He weaved his way past the Porter’s Lodge and headed across the Court towards his staircase. Ahead of him a line of black figures emerged from the door of the Council Chamber in solemn processional and moved towards him. At the head of them waddled the Dean. Zipser hiccupped and tried to focus on them. It was very difficult. Almost as difficult as trying to stop the world going round. Zipser hiccupped again and was sick on the snow as the column of figures advanced on him.
“Beg your pardon,” he said. “Shouldn’t have done that. Had too much to drink.”
The column stopped and Zipser peered down into the Dean’s face. It kept going in and out of focus alarmingly.
“Do you… do you… know how red your face is?” he asked, waving his head erratically at the Dean. “Shouldn’t have a red face, should you?”
“Out of the way,” snapped the Dean.
“Shertainly,” said Zipser and sat down in the snow. The Dean loomed over him menacingly.
“You, sir, are drunk. Disgustingly drunk,” he said.
“Quite right,” said Zipser. “Full marks for perspic… perspicac… ity. Hit the nail on the head firsht time.”
“What is your name?”
“Zhipsher shir, Zhipsher.”
“You’re gated for a week, Zipser,” snarled the Dean.
“Yesh,” said Zipser happily, “I am gated for a week. Shertainly, shir.” He struggled to his feet, still clutching his cartons, and the column of dons moved on across the court. Zipser wobbled off to his room and collapsed on the floor.
Sir Godber watched the deputation of Fellows from his study window. “Canossa,” he thought to himself as the procession trudged through the snow to the front door and rang the bell. For a moment it crossed his mind to let them wait but better judgement prevailed. Pope Gregory’s triumph had after all been a temporary one. He went out into the hall and let them in.