“Handle it?”
“Well, yeah. Those things weigh a ton.”
“My dad taught me how to ride a long time ago. He had a Harley, too—has, I mean.” She stared down into her mug. “So, yeah, the breakfast is a peace offering. I’m really sorry about how I behaved last night. I just … it came over me. Everything exploded in my head—I shouldn’t have gone at you like that. You didn’t deserve it, and I am grateful for everything you’ve done for me.”
He looked into her eyes. “You don’t have to apologize. And I don’t blame you. This is not easy shit you’re dealing with.”
“It’s just hard to be so … in the dark about, like, everything.”
“You don’t remember?”
“How I ended up down there? Not really. I mean, I’ve got details up until I walked into the supermarket. After that? It’s a fog.”
Mixed blessing, he supposed. And he hoped it was the same for when she’d been in Devina’s—
“But I remember everything about that wall,” she said hoarsely. “Everything. I still swear I was stuck in that black prison for centuries.”
Damn it.
She helped herself to the last piece of toast, but then only took one bite before putting it aside. “I think that’s part of why I’m struggling. It’s all I’ve got, that … experience … with those others who were suffering. I close my eyes and it’s what I see and hear and smell—the stench and the twisting agony, the years of time passing.” As her voice cracked, she brushed under one eye as if clearing a tear. “It’s eating me up—and I thought that going to my parents’ would reconnect me, but it just reminded me of everything that I’m not anymore. I’ve got to have something concrete to put my feet on, but there’s nothing, is there.”
Basically what she’d said to him last night in the dark.
Jim took a page from her book and stared into his coffee. “Are you sure you want to know.” As she went utterly still, he looked over at her again. “Before you answer, think about it carefully. Some kinds of knowledge you can’t get rid of.” Abruptly, he thought of all the men he’d killed, some of whom up close. “Once it’s in your mind? It’s like a tattoo on your brain. It’s a permanent thing and you can’t go back.”
“Tell me,” she whispered without hesitation. “Even if it’s horrible … I have to know. I’m still a prisoner even though I’m out here—I’m still trapped, but it’s the ignorance now. There’s no context to anything, no structure, nothing but questions no one is answering. My mind … is eating itself alive.”
Shit, she was too young to feel like that. And he knew exactly where she was; he’d walked miles in those shoes, and not only was it hard, it had hardened him. Set his emotions in concrete.
He didn’t want that for her. “Do you mind if I smoke?”
“Not at all. It’s not like it’s going to give me cancer, and I kind of like the smell.”
He leaned to the side and took his lighter out of his back pocket. A second later, he had a Red between his lips and was taking a drag.
On the exhale, he noticed that his hands were stilling. Funny, he hadn’t been aware they were shaking.
“I don’t know everything.” He reached behind him to the counter, snagging an ashtray and putting it by his empty plate. “You need to be clear on that. I’m in the dark about a lot of shit.”
Which was a reminder, like he needed one, that he didn’t have much free time here. Still, he felt compelled to get her on as even a keel as he could. It was only fair—and she hadn’t gotten a lot of fair lately.
The war would have to wait just a little longer.
“So tell me,” she said, arms tightening around herself.
Jim opened his mouth, searched for words … and had no luck. There was another way, though. More dangerous, but it would more likely get her what she was looking for than any conversation they could have.
Jim got up abruptly. “I gotta go talk to my boy for a minute. I’ll be right back.”
He stalked out of the kitchen and hit the stairs. Up on the second floor, he rapped his knuckles on the bathroom’s closed door. “Yo, Adrian.”
From the other side, the response was something along the lines of, “What do you think this is, a Rocky movie?”
“I need you to do something for me.”
“I gotta leave.”
“You’re kidding me.” He should have known better than to think Adrian’s departure had been about the polite. “And where the hell are you going?”
The door opened. Adrian was fully dressed, with wet hair. “I gotta go.”
Jim took the guy’s arm in a strong grip. “Where.”
Ad narrowed his eyes. “While you’re with your girlfriend down there? Worrying about her? I’m taking care of business. And that’s all you need to know—unless you’re planning on getting back in the game?”
“Oh come on, that’s bullshit.”
“Is it. Really.” Adrian ripped free and limped in the direction of his room. “I’m thinking it’s not.”
“So where are we?” Jim demanded as he followed the guy into his private space. “What’s going on?”
Adrian just shook his head as he went over to his bureau and shrugged into a holster. “You ready to play ball? Because, again, until you are, there’s no point in wasting my breath, is there.”
With a curse, Jim thought of Sissy, sitting in that kitchen, relying on him to be the compass in her fucked-up world. She had no one else. “Look, I just need to get her up and rolling. This has been a shocker, okay—”
Adrian wheeled around as he popped a forty in under his arm. “Fuck you, Jim. I’ve lost my best friend, and some other pretty heavy shit. Permanently. So first off, do not tell me what’s shocking to her, and second? Excuse me if I’m not real impressed by your caretaking side. You want to masturbate to the Hallmark Channel—knock yourself out. But then don’t question me about where I go or what I do to keep things on track—or make like I owe you an operational update. Ain’t going to happen.”
Jim dragged a hand through his hair. “One day, Adrian. Gimme one day.”
“So you can do what? Get mani-pedis together and go to the mall? Fuck that—”
“I just need one day, and then I’m back. I promise.”
The other angel cursed under his breath as he picked up his crystal dagger and tucked it into the small of his back.
“You have my word on it,” Jim said roughly. “I’ll be a hundred percent all in. I just need you to do something for me in the meantime—”
“Annnnnd the sonofabitch wants something. How perfect—”
“Adrian. Please.”
Ad looked around like he was hoping to find some sanity somewhere. Finally, he muttered, “What do you need me to do?”
When Jim finished the ask, Adrian just stared at him.
After a long, tense moment, the angel said, “You owe me. We clear? I do this for you, you owe me.”
Jim stuck out his palm. “On my honor.”
Chapter
Twenty-four
It was harder to go back into the parking garage than she’d thought.
As Cait entered the facility and took her pink ticket, the gate rose and … that was about it. Her foot refused to leave the brakes and her SUV stayed right where it was, as if her Lexus were afraid of what was up there, too.
The flashbacks were intense enough to have her release the steering wheel and grip her thighs, her body bracing itself even though her doors were locked and it was daylight and there was no way whoever or whatever it had been was still—
Beep!