Ed’s heart fluttered with a rush of worry. He imagined everything from criminal activity to drugs. He responded, “Bobby, it doesn’t matter what it is. I’m never going to stop loving you.”
It was true. They had grown up together, sharing the same small bedroom. They had had many a long heart-to-heart through the years. They were different, true, and there were times they had been jerks to each other. But their love for one another was solid. What’s more, Bobby trusted Ed.
Bobby said in a choked voice, “I’m gay.”
Ed breathed a momentary sigh of relief. It could have been worse. He said, “Bobby, how do you know this?”
“I’ve known for a long time, ” Bobby answered.
“ But how can you be sure?”
“ I’m sure, Ed. Believe me, I’m sure.” Bobby hung his head as if in pain. They talked some more, and Ed could see that Bobby considered his gayness to be a terrible defect.
Ed asked, “Are you going to tell Mom and Dad, or see a counselor?” he asked.
Bobby flared, “No! I want you to promise you won?t tell anyone, especially Mom and Dad!”
Nothing in life had prepared Ed for such a burden. Homosexuality. It was like something from another planet. He had seen it on television. And he’d heard different religious people say it was a choice and a sinful one at that. He preoccupied himself with other things and tried to convince himself that this crisis would work itself out. He had a new girlfriend, and it was baseball season. There was lots to distract him from such an un-pleasant disclosure. Ed collaborated with nervous silence in keeping Bobby?s secret.
Oddly, after the initial revelation, Bobby did not talk much about his homosexuality to Ed. He continued to pour his agony into his journal.
May 11, 1979. Sometimes I feel like I’m at the edge of a cliff, looking down at the crashing surf with nowhere to go…but down to the jagged rocks below…. I can ask myself why all this B.S. is happening to me, but would it change anything? No, I’ll have to change before circumstances do. But fuck, right now I have neither the will or the energy to change my way of thinking.
May 18. Dear God: Are you there? I ask because I really don’t know…. Sometimes I hurt so bad, and I’m scared and alone. I wonder why you or somebody doesn’t help. I’m so mad and frustrated, I seem to be at the end of the road. Why do you remain silent?
May 30. Gentle springtime weather surrounds me, but a fierce unrelenting storm rages within. How much more can I take? Only time and a million tears of bitterness will tell…. I guess I am slowly sinking in a vast lake of quicksand; a bottomless pool of death. I wish I could crawl under a rock and sleep for the rest of time.
June 1. I’m scared of the person I could grow up to be. Oh, how I hope the changes in myself ahead of me are good ones.
He composed a poem:
I’ve locked myself out
and don’t have the key
I blew the light out
and now I can’t see…
Afraid of answers I don’t have
and might not ever know
I wonder in which direction my life will go?
On June 24, Bobby celebrated his sixteenth birthday.
As the weeks went by, Ed became more and more alarmed at Bobby’s melancholy. Bobby had taken a part-time job as a custodian in a convalescent home. He told Ed he hated the job — cleaning up after the deaths of old people. But he kept at it, he said, as a kind of penance.
The capper came one summer evening when Bobby disclosed to Ed that he had recently swallowed half a bottle of aspirin. Nothing had happened beyond a severe headache, but Ed’s resolve was shaken by a cold fear. He couldn’t handle this by himself any longer.
What if Bobby tried to hurt himself again? How could he ever explain to his parents that he knew something this serious and didn’t tell them?
Ed agonized until, one day in early July, as he was driving his mother home from the local 7-Eleven, he said, “Mom, if you found out that Bobby or I was gay, would you not love us anymore, or would you kick us out?”
Mary felt a jolt of panic. “Well, no, of course not,” she said.
Ed blurted, “Bobby told me that he’s gay.” He related the full story, leaving out nothing except the aspirin incident.
Something crumpled inside her. To suspect was one thing. To know…But she simply said, “Well, Ed, there’s no doubt in my mind that God can handle this. God will help us, and he will heal Bobby.”
A familiar verse came to mind and she repeated it: “All things work together for good to those who love God.” She believed it. This will work out. If it’s true that he’s gay, God will heal him.
Mary told Bob when he returned from work. They knew they had to talk to Bobby as soon as possible, but hadn’t any idea how to approach the subject. They were dumbfounded. It was as if a missile had blown through the roof.
They waited until late in the evening, when the other children were asleep or in their rooms. Mary asked Bobby to come sit at the kitchen table with her. Bob joined them. The boy must have known something was coming, since this was the traditional spot for important family discussions.
There was an awkward silence. Finally, Mary began, making a clumsy effort to draw him out. “Bobby, isn’t there a problem that you need to tell us about?”
Bobby stiffened. “No,” he insisted. “What kind of problem?”
Mary persisted. “Bobby, you know there’s something wrong, and you need to tell us about it.”
Bobby squirmed. He was starting to panic. He clammed up.
Bob chimed in. “Bobby, you know if you don’t share this with us, it could blow this whole family apart.”
Bobby sat speechless and horrified. He lowered his eyes and scrunched his body as if preparing to ward off a blow.
Finally, Mary spilled it. “Bobby, it’s all right. We love you no matter what. Ed had a talk with me and he was very worried about you and he said that you told him you’re gay.”
Bobby blew up in a fit of fury and tears.
“Why couldn’t you tell us?” Mary asked.
“Because I was just too humiliated!” he cried, fleeing the room.
Bob and Mary followed, trying to calm him. Mary put her arms around him. “Bobby,” she said, “let’s go into your room and we’ll talk about it.”
They began to talk. Bobby said he had felt this way as far back as he could remember. “When I dream, I dream about men,” he said in despair. “Other guys dream of girls. I dream of men. And I enjoy it!”
Mary said, “Bobby, we can beat this. If we trust in God. Homosexuality is curable with God’s help. We’ve seen it on television, remember? It’s not a natural thing. God will help you weed it out. Healing through prayer. That’s the good news, Bobby.” She believed with total faith that a God so adamant about the abomination of homosexuality would not be so diabolical as to fail to cure her son.
They talked till four in the morning, Bobby wanting desperately to believe he could change. Bob, who didn’t buy the religious rationale, had less to say, as usual. He knew nothing about gays except that they were shunned by most people, and he worried that Bobby was headed for a very rough time. He felt helpless, but suggested to Bobby.that he date more girls; perhaps that would help him grow out of it.
“We’ll find a counselor, Bobby,” said Mary. “Maybe there are some books. I’ll check with the church.”
“No, I don’t want anyone to know outside this house,” Bobby demanded. It was bad enough that Ed had told on him. (Bobby later told his diary that Ed’s disclosure had strained relations between them.)