My hands can barely work the button on my jeans, and I shove them down. There’s no grace now. He’s seen me dance onstage. He knows what I look like, practiced, seductive. He’s never seen me like this, falling apart. I’ve never felt like this. Even the first time I met him, afraid and alone, I had determination. I had hope. Now I don’t even have that.
You’re going to disappear from the side of the road tonight, and no one will ever find you.
I take off my tank top and drop it to the floor. Now I’m completely naked.
And he has all his clothes on. I want him to take them off, but I know he won’t. He doesn’t ever. And besides, that wouldn’t make it a punishment.
“Ivan,” I whisper.
“On the bed.”
My eyelids fall shut and push the gathering tears down my cheeks. “Ivan.”
“No?” he asks. A hand clamps onto my wrist, pulling me across the room. “All right then. The dresser. Bend over.”
I don’t really have a choice, the way he throws me against it. I catch myself on my palms. The sound of a zipper comes from behind me, and I look over my shoulder. I can’t see anything, but I can feel it. God, he’s already lined up against me.
I’m just repeating his name now, a plea and a prayer. “Ivan. Ivan, please.”
I brace myself for the pain, but then he’s gone. His fingers press against my pussy, almost as blunt and far more rough. They slide along my folds, feeling my slickness.
He chuckles. “Do you want this, little one? Your body says yes.”
I’ve never done this. I’m a virgin. Please don’t hurt me.
The words catch in my throat. His fingers are on my clit, rubbing me from behind. I groan and rock my hips into his touch. It’s the only relief I feel, the only relief I’ve ever felt. He fondles roughly, which only seems to drive me higher. My legs are like jelly. The only things holding me up are my hands on the dresser and his fingers on my clit.
I don’t think he knows I’ve never done this, not with how rough he’s being. He must think I gave it up sometime in the club or at one of the parties. His fingers are too fast, too hard, and I’m on the brink of orgasm, hovering on the razor’s edge. He takes his hand away, and the loss is a physical pain, sharp and cold.
“This is what you wanted,” he says. “You think I didn’t know the way you looked at me? Fuck, you looked at me like that the first fucking night I met you, and you didn’t even know what it meant.”
He pushes the head of his cock against my slickness. Oh God.
The memories come back to me. I slept in the same room as my mother, on a mat on the floor. The room was connected to Leader Allen’s. He would wake her in the middle of the night, bring her to his room. The door was open. I could hear everything. And sometimes, when I crawled across the floor, see everything.
Kneel, he would tell her. And she would get on her knees beside the bed and pray. When she was done, when she had begged forgiveness, he would lift her up enough so her body was half on the bed. Then he would pull up his robes and—
A sharp pain presses me open, and I gasp. It hurts too much to speak, hurts too much to cry. My body is rejecting him, pushing him out—and losing the fight. I hold on to the dresser like my life depends on it, but it won’t matter. I’m being split apart. I can’t imagine I’ll survive it, but at least when I die, it will be over. It feels like my whole body is impaled.
Rough hands grab my hips, thick fingers bruising flesh. Another push and he’s farther in. God, how is there more? A sob finally escapes me.
“Ivan.”
“You’re so fucking tight,” he says between clenched teeth. “How the fuck are you so tight?”
My inner muscles clench and release, fighting his entrance every step of the way. I couldn’t relax them even if I wanted to. The burn is too much, the stretch is too wide. I pant against the dresser, my hands clasped together, praying for it to end.
“I’ve never—” My breath is coming too fast. Blackness is closing in. It’s like in the basement, except his hands aren’t around my throat. No, this time his cock is pushing inside my pussy—and it’s even worse. I can’t breathe, can hardly speak. “Never done this before.”
He freezes.
A long minute passes where the only thing I can feel is the throb of his cock, and the only thing I can see is black. I’m still conscious—barely. I’m panting, struggling to keep breathing, to stay here with him. To experience this thing I’ve wanted for so long, even if it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
“What did you say?” His voice sounds far away again, but strangely controlled. Completely unlike how he sounded two minutes ago, his fury uncontained.
In a painful wrench, he removes himself—it somehow hurts worse than it did going in, the salt of him stinging the tears in my skin. Without his hands or his cock, I collapse on the ground, leaning against the dresser. My hands are covering my sex, protective, though they do nothing to take away the pain.
A hand fists in my hair and pulls. I’m facing him, looking up at him while he looms over me. He’s still wearing his suit, his cock hard and jutting out. It’s an angry red from arousal, tinged glossy and pink with my blood. And it’s terrifying. It would have scared me if I had seen it anytime, but now that I know how much it can hurt, I’m even more scared.
He gives me a little shake by my hair. “What did you say?”
My throat feels raw, as if I’ve been screaming even though I haven’t. “I’m a virgin,” I whisper.
Or at least I used to be.
Chapter Sixteen
I always thought it was a little ironic, my virginity. My so-called virtue. I should have been keeping it safe to save my immortal soul, but the truth is I assume I’ve already lost any chance at heaven. I’m far from innocent regardless of what has or hasn’t been inside my pussy. I’ve given men lap dances, seen their come stain their pants as they explode. I’ve even fooled around with guys at parties, flirted and almost fucked.
Ivan’s expression is more angry than incredulous. “How the fuck is that possible?”
I manage a watery laugh, my voice somehow wry through my tears. “I’m a cock tease, Ivan. I thought you knew that about me.”
His hands curl into fists. “What the fuck were you saving yourself for? For marriage? For love?”
He sounds almost more disgusted by the idea of love than he is by marriage. “Maybe.”
The truth is I was saving myself for him, but I can’t deny his words. I did want him to love me, to marry me, even while I understood how impossible that was. I have a long history of wanting the impossible. I wanted Ivan to love me, even though he doesn’t understand the meaning of the word. He’s made of ice. I wanted to feel powerful with my body, even though most of the men who come through our doors would hold me down and fuck me if they got the chance.
And most of all, I wanted to be free from my past, free from Harmony Hills and its scriptures. Now that someone is leaving Bible verses at the Grand, I know I will never be free. Not only from a man, but from the teachings I thought I’d left behind.
“It’s too late now,” he says, his tone indecipherable.
I look down between my legs, where my hands are still cupped protectively. Too late. “Yes.”
His hand fists his cock, stroking once, twice. “I hope you don’t think I’m going to take it easy on you because of this.”
Fear tightens my throat as I watch him. “It hurt too much. It’s too big.”
“Not too big. Your body was designed to take men. To take me. Now get on the bed.”
I scramble to the bed, skirting him as far as I can, as if his cock might reach out and impale me while I’m not looking.
I’m sore between my legs. It was only a dull throb when I sat on the floor, but when I move, it’s so much worse, fire licking me from inside. It wasn’t just precum from his body that stung my cuts and tears. It’s my own wetness too, because I can’t deny how he makes me feel. Even when I’m hurting, when I’m dying from the pain of him stretching me, breaking me, I want him.