"Mom…" she said, in a pained voice.
"You see them every day at school, that should be enough."
"Mom…"
"Don't look at your father. We already know he'll do whatever you want. I'm talking to you, now."
She sighed. "I know, Mom."
This kind of interaction was increasingly common between Nicole and Julia. I guess it was normal at this age, but I thought I'd step in. Julia was tired, and when she was tired she got rigid and controlling. I put my arm around her shoulder and said, "It's late for everybody. Want a cup of tea?"
"Jack, don't interfere."
"I'm not, I just-"
"Yes, you are. I'm talking to Nicole and you're interfering, the way you always do."
"Honey, we all agreed she could stay up until ten, I don't know what this-"
"But if she's finished her homework, she should go to bed."
"That wasn't the deal."
"I don't want her spending all day and night on the computer."
"She's not, Julia."
At that point, Nicole burst into tears, and jumped to her feet crying, "You always criticize me! I hate you!" She ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. That woke the baby, who started to cry.
Julia turned to me and said, "If you would please just let me handle this myself, Jack."
And I said, "You're right. I'm sorry. You're right."
In truth, that wasn't what I thought at all. More and more, I regarded this as my house, and my kids. She was barging into my house, late at night, when I'd gotten everything quiet, the way I liked it, the way it should be. And she was raising a fuss.
I didn't think she was right at all. I thought she was wrong. And in the last few weeks I'd noticed that incidents like this had become more frequent. At first, I thought Julia felt guilty about being away so much. Then I thought she was reasserting her authority, trying to regain control of a household that had fallen into my hands. Then I thought it was because she was tired, or under so much pressure at work. But lately I felt I was making excuses for her behavior. I started to have the feeling Julia had changed. She was different, somehow, tenser, tougher.
The baby was howling. I picked her up from the crib, hugged her, cooed at her, and simultaneously stuck a finger down the back of the diaper to see if it was wet. It was. I put her down on her back on top of the dresser, and she howled again until I shook her favorite rattle, and put it in her hand. She was silent then, allowing me to change her without much kicking. "I'll do that," Julia said, coming in.
"It's okay."
"I woke her up, it's only right I do it."
"Really honey, it's fine."
Julia put her hand on my shoulder, kissed the back of my neck. "I'm sorry I'm such a jerk. I'm really tired. I don't know what came over me. Let me change the baby, I never get to see her."
"Okay," I said. I stepped aside, and she moved in.
"Hi, Poopsie-doopsie," she said, chucking the baby under the chin. "How's my little Winkie-dinkie?" All this attention made the baby drop the rattle, and then she started to cry, and to twist away on the table. Julia didn't notice the missing rattle caused the crying; instead she made soothing sounds and struggled to put on the new diaper, but the baby's twisting and kicking made it hard. "Amanda, stop it!"
I said, "She does that now." And it was true, Amanda was in the stage where she actively resisted a diaper change. And she could kick pretty hard.
"Well, she should stop. Stop!"
The baby cried louder, tried to turn away. One of the adhesive tabs pulled off. The diaper slid down. Amanda was now rolling toward the edge of the dresser. Julia pulled her back roughly. Amanda never stopped kicking.
"God damn it, I said stop!" Julia said, and smacked the baby on the leg. The baby just cried harder, kicked harder. "Amanda! Stop it! Stop it!" She slapped her again. "Stop it! Stop it!" For a moment I didn't react. I was stunned. I didn't know what to do. The baby's legs were bright red. Julia was still hitting her. "Honey…" I said, leaning in, "let's not-" Julia exploded. "Why do you always fucking interfere?" she yelled, slamming her hand down on the dresser. "What is your fucking problem?"
And she stomped off, leaving the room.
I let out a long breath, and picked the baby up. Amanda howled inconsolably, as much in confusion as in pain. I figured I would need to give her a bottle to get her to sleep again. I stroked her back until she settled down a little. Then I got her diaper on, and brought her into the kitchen while I heated a bottle. The lights were low, just the fluorescents over the counter. Julia was sitting at the table, drinking beer out of a bottle, staring into space. "When are you going to get a job?" she said.
"I'm trying."
"Really? I don't think you're trying at all. When was your last interview?"
"Last week," I said.
She grunted. "I wish you'd hurry up and get one," she said, "because this is driving me crazy." I swallowed anger. "I know. It's hard for everybody," I said. It was late at night, and I didn't want to argue anymore. But I was watching her out of the corner of my eye. At thirty-six, Julia was a strikingly pretty woman, petite, with dark hair and dark eyes, upturned nose, and the kind of personality that people called bubbly or sparkling. Unlike many tech executives, she was attractive and approachable. She made friends easily, and had a good sense of humor. Years back, when we first had Nicole, Julia would come home with hilarious accounts of the foibles of her VC partners. We used to sit at this same kitchen table and laugh until I felt physically sick, while little Nicole would tug at her arm and say, "What's the funny, Mom? What's the funny?" because she wanted to be in on the joke. Of course we could never explain it to her, but Julia always seemed to have a new "Knock knock" joke for Nicole, so she could join in the laughter, too. Julia had a real gift for seeing the humorous side of life. She was famous for her equanimity; she almost never lost her temper. Right now, of course, she was furious. Not even willing to look at me. Sitting in the dark at the round kitchen table, one leg crossed over the other, kicking impatiently while she stared into space. As I looked at her, I had the feeling that her appearance had changed, somehow. Of course she had lost weight recently, part of the strain of the job. A certain softness in her face was gone; her cheekbones protruded more; her chin seemed sharper. It made her look harder, but in a way more glamorous.
Her clothes were different, too. Julia was wearing a dark skirt and a white blouse, sort of standard business attire. But the skirt was tighter than usual. And her kicking foot made me notice she was wearing slingback high heels. What she used to call fuck-me shoes. The kind of shoes she would never wear to work.
And then I realized that everything about her was different-her manner, her appearance, her mood, everything-and in a flash of insight I knew why: my wife was having an affair. The water on the stove began to steam, and I pulled out the bottle, tested it on my forearm. It had gotten too hot, and I would have to wait a minute for it to cool. The baby started to cry, and I bounced her a little on my shoulder, while I walked her around the room. Julia never looked at me. She just kept swinging her foot, and staring into space. I had read somewhere that this was a syndrome. The husband's out of work, his masculine appeal declines, his wife no longer respects him, and she wanders. I had read that in Glamour or Redbook or one of those magazines around the house that I glanced through while waiting for the washing machine to finish its cycle, or the microwave to thaw the hamburger. But now I was flooded with confused feelings. Was it really true? Was I just tired, making up bad stories in my mind? After all, what difference did it make if she was wearing tighter skirts and different shoes? Fashions changed. People felt different on different days. And just because she was sometimes angry, did that really mean she was having an affair? Of course it didn't. I was probably just feeling inadequate, unattractive. These were probably my insecurities coming out. My thoughts went on in this vein for a while.