You have to admire a man who is so good at planning ahead. I can barely even figure out what I’m going to have for lunch every day, so this is extremely impressive to me.
But Michael is an excellent planner. It would only have taken him about half an hour to move into his dorm at Columbia over the weekend (if the elevators hadn’t broken down), because he had everything so organized. I went with the rest of his family to help, and to see what his room was like, and to, you know, see him for the first time since getting back from Genovia, and all. I don’t know how much Columbia charges for its student housing, but I wasn’t very impressed. Michael’s room is very cinderblocky, with a view of an air shaft.
Not that Michael even cares. All he was concerned about was whether it had enough data jacks. He didn’t even look in the bathroom to see if it had one of those smelly vinyl shower curtains or the even smellier rubber ones (I looked for him: rubber one. Ew.).
Guys are so weird.
I didn’t meet his roommate because he hadn’t moved in yet, but the sign on the door said his name was Doo Pak Sun. I hope Doo Pak turns out to be nice and not allergic to cat hair or anything. Because I plan on being in their room a LOT.
Still, I felt bad for Lilly, on account of her not having a one true love and all, so I thought I’d try to cheer her up.
FTLOUIE: But it must be nice to have the apartment all to yourself now. I mean, isn’t that what you always wanted? No Michael to drink all the Sunny D and eat all the Honey Nut Cheerios?
WOMYNRULE: Whatever! Suddenly I have to do all MY chores AND Michael’s, too. And who do you think has to take care of Pavlov now?
FTLOUIE: Like Michael’s not paying you.
WOMYNRULE: Only twenty bucks a week. Hello, I worked it out, and that is only like a dollar a pooper-scooperful.
FTLOUIE: TMI!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOMYNRULE: Whatever. I suppose you LOVE scooping up after Fat Louie.
FTLOUIE: Fat Louie’s poops are cute, just like he is. Same with Rocky’s.
WOMYNRULE: Um, NOW who is giving TMI, baby-licker?
FTLOUIE: I am choosing to ignore that. Hey, do you think the part in Dr. Gupta’s letter about not wearing shorts beneath your school skirt is because Lana always wore Josh’s lacrosse uniform shorts under her skirt last year? You know, to show that Josh was her property?
WOMYNRULE: I don’t know and I don’t care. Listen, about tomorrow—
FTLOUIE: What?
WOMYNRULE: Never mind. Sleep tight.
FTLOUIE: ??????????????
WOMYNRULE: terminated
Seriously. I can already tell that being a sophomore is not exactly going to be a picnic.Tuesday, September 8, Homeroom
OH MY GOD.
So I thought it was going to be so depressing to be back here. I mean, because school totally sucks anyway, but without Michael, it’s REALLY going to suck.
And it WAS kind of sad to pull up in front of Lilly’s building this morning and not see Michael there waiting for me, his neck all pinkly shaved. Instead there was just Lilly, not wearing any makeup and with her hair in ten thousand barrettes and her glasses on instead of contacts. Because now that Lilly has lost her one true love to another, she barely bothers to Make an Effort. Grandmère would be APPALLED.
And, hello, I have even less reason than Lilly does to look good, but at least I washed my hair this morning. I mean, I still have a boyfriend, he’s just going to another school. Lilly’s the one who has yet to meet the man of her dreams.
Who is going to run from her the way people ran from Britney’s last album if she doesn’t at least TRY to look a little more attractive.
But I didn’t mention this to her, because it’s not the kind of thing anyone wants to hear first thing in the morning.
Besides, as Lilly put it, we both have PE first thing. Why shower BEFORE PE when you’re just going to have to shower again after?
Which is a good point.
Except that I think Lilly sort of regretted her decision not to bathe pre-PE when we stepped out of the limo in front of school and there was Tina Hakim Baba stepping out of HER limo. And Tina was all, “Oh, my God! It’s so good to see you guys!” tactfully not mentioning anything about Lilly’s glasses or hair, and we were hugging when this guy walked up and at first I was like, Whoa, hottie alert, because even though I’m taken, I’m not DEAD, you know, and he was so big and tall and blond and everything…
…until he reached out and took Tina’s hand and I realized he was BORIS PELKOWSKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BORIS PELKOWSKI GOT HOT OVER THE SUMMER!!!!!!!
I know it sounds completely insane but there really is no other way to put it. Tina says Boris’s violin teacher told him he’d have more stamina and play better if he started lifting weights, and so he did, and he must have put on, like, thirty pounds of pure unadulterated muscle.
Plus, he had laser surgery to correct his myopia so he wouldn’t have to keep pushing up his glasses as he plays.
Also, he got rid of his bionater and must have grown, like, two inches or maybe more because now he’s as tall as Lars and almost as wide in the shoulders.
Plus, his hair has these blond highlights in it—Tina says from the sun in the Hamptons.
Seriously, it’s like he got one of those Queer Eye makeovers or something.
Except they left out the part about not tucking his sweater into his pants. That’s the only way I recognized him. Well, that, and he still breathes from his mouth. Seriously, I was all, “Hi, who are—BORIS?”
But MY astonishment was NOTHING compared to LILLY’S! She stared at him for, like, a whole minute after he was all, “Oh, hey, hi, you guys”—even his VOICE has changed. It’s sort of deeper now, like that kid’s who plays Harry Potter in the movies.
When Lilly heard it, then turned around and recognized him, she kind of sucked in her cheeks…
…and just headed into school without a word.
But then when I saw her in the Ladies’ just before the bell rang, she’d put on some lipgloss and had slipped her contacts in and taken some of the barrettes out.
As soon as Lilly was gone, I totally grabbed Tina and was all, “OH, MY GOD, WHAT DID YOU DO TO BORIS????” but in a whisper in her ear because I didn’t want Boris to hear.
But Tina swears she had nothing to do with it. Also, she said not to say anything in front of Boris about it, because he totally hasn’t realized yet that he’s hot. Tina is trying to keep him from finding out about his new hotness because she’s afraid that as soon as he does he’ll dump her for someone thin.
Except that Boris would never do anything like that because you can see the lovelight for Tina shining in his eyes every time he looks her way. Especially now that he doesn’t have those thick lenses.
Geez! Who knew someone could change so much in just a couple of months?
Although, come to think of it, Tina might have a point because with last year’s senior class gone, there are a LOT of totally gorgeous girls who are completely boyfriendless now. Like Lana Weinberger, for instance. Not that I think Boris would EVER go for Lana, but I totally saw her giving him the Hey! Come over here finger crook over by the water fountain before she figured out who he was and instead of crooking her finger, pretended to be sticking it down her throat like she was barfing at the sight of him.
So I guess SOME people haven’t changed over the summer.
Shameeka says she heard that Lana and Josh are totally over. Apparently their love could not withstand the test of distance, since Lana spent her summer at her family’s house in East Hampton and Josh was in Southampton and the four miles between the two was just too much, especially with him leaving for Yale in the fall and thong bikini bottoms being very popular in Long Island this summer.