“Whenever it’s a hot summer day and Dusty passes a certain pretty little pond on my property,” Dr. Knutz went on, “she wades off into the middle of it. It doesn’t matter if she’s saddled up and has a rider on her. Dusty doesn’t care. She’s got to get into that water. Want to know why?”
I was so shocked by the fact that a trained psychologist would tell me a story about a HORSE in a professional setting that I just nodded dumbly.
“Because,” Dr. Knutz said, “she’s hot. And she wants to cool off. She’d rather spend the day in that pond than carry somebody around on her back. But we don’t always get to do what we want to do. Because it’s not necessarily healthy or practical. Besides, saddles are ruined when they get wet.”
I stared at him.
And this guy was supposed to be the nation’s preeminent adolescent and child psychologist?
“I want to go back to something you said yesterday,” Dr. Knutz said, without waiting for me to respond to the Dusty story, thank God. “You said, and I quote—” And he DID quote. He actually read from his notes.“Maybe it’s a little more complicated than a normal teenager’s breakup, because I’m a princess, and Michael is a genius, and he thinks he has to go off to Japan to build a robotic surgical arm in order to prove to my family that he’s worthy of me, when the truth is , I’mnot worthy of him,and I suppose because deep down inside, I know that I completely sabotaged our relationship.”
He looked up from his notes. “What did you mean by that?”
“I meant…” This was all going too fast for me. I’d barely gotten over being shocked by the Dusty story, and still hadn’t been able to figure out what it had to do with me going bra shopping with Lana Weinberger tomorrow. “…that I guess I figured he was going to dump me for a smarter, more accomplished girl anyway. So I beat him to the punch by dumping him first. Even though I regretted it later. The whole Judith Gershner thing…I mean, the reason it upset me so much is because I know deep down inside that’s who he should really be with. Someone who can clone fruit flies. Not someone like…like m-me, who’s j-just a p-princess.”
And before I knew it, I was crying again. Man! What was it about this guy’s office that made me weep like a baby?
Dr. Knutz passed me the tissues. Not in an unkind way, either.
“Did he ever do or say anything to make you think this?” he wanted to know.
“N-no,” I sobbed.
“Then why do you think you feel that way?”
“B-because it’s true! I mean, being a princess is no big accomplishment! I was just BORN this way! I didn’t EARN it, the way Michael is going to earn fame and fortune from his robotic surgical arm. I mean, anyone can be BORN!”
“I think,” Dr. Knutz said a little dryly, “you’re being a bit hard on yourself. You’re only sixteen. Very few sixteen-year-olds actually—”
“JUDITH GERSHNER HAD ALREADY CLONED HER FIRST FRUIT FLY BY THE TIME SHE WAS SIXTEEN!” I shouted.
Then I felt ashamed of myself. I mean, for shouting. But I couldn’t help it.
“And look at Lilly,” I went on. “She’s sixteen, and she has her own TV show. And sure, it’s on public access, but whatever, it’s been optioned. And she has thousands of loyal viewers. And she made that show all by herself. No one even helped her. Well, except for me and Shameeka and Ling Su and Tina. But we just helped with the camera work, really. So saying I’m only sixteen—that doesn’t mean anything. There are lots of sixteen-year-olds who have accomplished loads more than me. I can’t even get published inSixteen magazine.”
“Supposing I take your word for it,” Dr. Knutz said. “If you really feel that way—that you aren’t worthy of Michael—hadn’t you better do something about it?”
Truly. He said that. He didn’t say,Gosh, Mia, how can you say you’re not worthy of Michael? Of course you’re worthy! You’re a fabulous human being, so giving and full of life.
Which is basically what everyone else has been saying to me whenever I have brought up this subject.
No, he was like,Yeah, you’re right. You do kind of suck. Now what are you going to do about it?
I was so shocked I stopped crying and just sat there staring at him with my mouth hanging open.
“Aren’t you…aren’t you supposed to say that I’m great just the way I am?” I demanded.
He shrugged. “What would be the point? You wouldn’t believe it, anyway.”
“Well, aren’t youat least supposed to say I should want to improve my worth formyself ? As opposed to for someboy ?”
“I assumed that was a given,” Dr. K said.
“Well,” I said. I was still kind of trying to get over my shock. “I mean, it’s true. Ido have to do something to prove I’m more than just a princess. Only…what? What can I do?”
Dr. Knutz shrugged. “How should I know? I still have to watch the movies of your life in order to get to know you as well as you claim they’ll make me. But I’ll tell you one thing Ido know: You’re not going to find out by lying around in bed, not going to school…or by continuing to hold grudges against people simply because they’ve said some unpleasant things to you in the past.”
Unpleasant? Wait till he gets a load of ihatemiathermopolis.com. Not that I’ve told him the URL. Or that Lana’s behind it.
But still. He doesn’t know from unpleasant.
So. My assignment?
Go shopping with Lana.
Figure out what I was put on this planet for (besides being a princess).
Come back and see Dr. Knutz next Friday after school.
I think I can handle the last one. The first two, though? Might actually kill me.
Friday, September 17, 7 p.m., the loft
Inbox: 0
Not that I actually expected to hear from either Michael OR Lilly. Especially not after I deleted Michael’s e-mail without even replying to it, and seeing the way Lilly ignored me in G and T.
Still. I had kind of hoped…I mean, this is the longest she’s not spoken to me. Ever.
I just can’t believe it’s basically over between us.
And because of a BOY.
Tina just IMed me, though. At least I still have Tina.
ILUVROMANCE: Mia! How ARE you? I barely got to talk to you at school today. Are you feeling better?
FTLOUIE: Yes, thanks!
Whatever. I lie all the time anyway.
ILUVROMANCE: I’m so glad! You looked so sad at school.
FTLOUIE: Well. Yeah. I guess that’s kind of to be expected, considering I’ve lost the love of my life and all.
ILUVROMANCE: I know. I’m so, so sorry. Hey, I know what might cheer you up! Some retail therapy! I mean, you did grow an inch and gained a whole size! You need new clothes! Do you want to go shopping tomorrow? My mom’ll take us. You know how she loves to shop!!!
Which is so totally what I get for ever having agreed to go shopping with Lana. Because Tina’s mom is practically a shopping GENIUS, being a former model and all.And she knows all the designers.
FTLOUIE: Oh, I’d love to! But I have to do something with my grandmother.
The lies just keep mounting and mounting. But whatever. I can’t tell TINA I’m doing something with LANA WEINBERGER. She’d never understand it. Even if I explained about the do-one-thing-every-day-that-scares-you thing. And the thing about Domina Rei.
ILUVROMANCE: Oh. Okay. Well, what are you doing tomorrow night, then? Want to come over? My parents are going out and I have to babysit, but we can watch some DVDs or something.
For some reason—well, okay, I guess because I’m depressed—this invitation almost made me cry. I mean, Tina is just so sweet.
Also, it sounded like something I could handle, emotionally. As opposed to going out with the guy I’d recently been accused of being in love with by the media. When the truth is, I’ve only ever loved one guy, and he is currently in Japan, sending me random e-mails about how hard it is to find egg sandwiches there.