I know. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan.
Exactly! Still. I don’t think Lilly’s too happy about it.
What do you mean? Did she say something about me?
Well, she doesn’t speak to ME anymore, either, since I’m friends with you, so no, she didn’t say anything to me. But I saw her giving you dirty looks across the caf.
Oh, yeah. I saw those, too. I—
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
I will not pass notes in class.
Tuesday, September 21, Lunch
I apologized NONSTOP to Tina for getting her in trouble in English. Thank GOD our note didn’t get read out loud. That is the only good thing.
Tina says not to worry about it, that it’s nothing.
But it’s NOT nothing. I can’t believe I am dragging my friends down with me. It’s just WRONG, and I’ve got to STOP.
Anyway, they can’t stop me from writing at LUNCH. Even if I have to do it in my Chemistry notebook.
Though it’s very hard to write with Lana jostling me every minute and going, “Wait, so Gupta says you need to work harder if you want to get into college? Oh my God, that is so easily rectified. Just join the Spirit Squad. Seriously, we don’t even DO anything, except have bake sales, like, every five weeks. Oooh, or I know! You could join Hola—the Spanish Club? We just sit around and watch movies in Spanish. Like that one where the hot guys fight to the death with the hams. Well, we didn’t really watch that one in class because it was too sexy, Trisha and I watched that one at home for extra credit. Oh, or the dance committee! We’re working on the Cultural Diversity Dance right now! It’s going to be so rockin’ this year, we’re trying to get an actual band instead of a DJ for a change. Or there’s peer tutoring. Oh my God, I’m tutoring the cutest little second grader right now. I totally taught her to stay within the lines with her eyeshadow.”
I was just like, “Um. You know, I already have a lot going on, with the princess stuff. And the school paper.”
“Right,” Lana said. “Hey, what do you think of glitter gel? You know, for my nails? Too much?”
When did this become my life?
Oh, right, I remember. The day my ex-boyfriend dumped me and I lost all will to live.
Tuesday, September 21, G & T
Okay, they can’t keep me from writing in here, because
A) No one knows what I’m supposed to be doing in this stupid class anyway, given the fact that I am neither gifted nor talented, and
B) Mrs. Hill isn’t even here. There must be an auction on eBay she’s trying to win, or something, because she’s in the teacher’s lounge.
Anyway, the strangest thing just happened. After lunch I went to the girls’ room and while I was washing my hands Lilly came out of one of the stalls and started washing HER hands.
She was totally ignoring me, like I didn’t even exist. Just gazing at herself in the mirror.
I don’t know what came over me. Suddenly, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I turned off the water in my sink and grabbed some paper towels and ALMOST went, while I was drying my hands, “You know what, Lilly? You can ignore me all you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re wrong. I DID NOT cause your breakup with J.P., and I am NOT going out with him. We’re JUST friends. I can’t believe that after all these years of friendship, you’d even THINK that of me. And besides, you know I love your brother. I mean, despite the fact that we’re just friends now, too.”
But I didn’t.
I didn’t say a word.
Because why should I? Why shouldI make the first move, whenI didn’t do anything wrong? She’s the one givingme the cold shoulder, whenI’m the one in great personal pain. I mean, has it ever occurred to her that I could really use a friend right now? Has it ever occurred to her that now isn’t the best time to be giving me the silent treatment?
But it seems like whenever I’m going through a time of personal crisis—when I found out I was a princess; when her brother dumped me—Lilly turns her back on me.
Lilly must have known I was thinking about saying something to her, though, because she gave me the dirtiest look. Then she rinsed off her hands, turned off the taps, got some paper towels of her own, tossed them into the trash—the same way she seems to have tossed our friendship into the trash—and walked out without a word.
I almost ran after her. I really did. I almost ran after her and told her that whatever it was I did, I’m sorry, and that I know I’m a freak, but that I’m trying to get help. I almost went, “Look, I’m in therapy. Are you happy, now? You’ve driven me into therapy!”
But, number one, I know that’s not true. I’m not in therapy because of Lilly or Michael or anyone, really, except the Giant Hole.
And number two—well, I still havesome pride left. I mean, I wasn’t about to give her the satisfaction.
Besides, what if she told Michael, or something? Then he’d think I was so torn up about our breaking up that I’m suicidal.
Which I’mnot.
I’m just sad. Dr. K even said so.
I’m just sad.
So, anyway. I let her walk out. And I never said a word.
And now I’m sitting here in G and T, watching her chat on her phone with Perin about their cell tower initiative.
You know what? I’m not even sure Iwant to be her friend anymore. I mean, to be honest, Lana Weinberger is actually a BETTER friend than Lilly ever was. At least with Lana, you know where you stand. It’s true Lana’s completely self-absorbed and shallow.
But at least she doesn’t try to pretend she’s otherwise. Unlike some people I could mention.
God, I am going to have SO MUCH to talk about with Dr. K on Friday.
Tuesday, September 21, 4 p.m., Chanel
Principal Gupta was all, “Mia. Let’stalk ,” in a super meaningful way when I went to snag my journal back from her.
So I had to sit down and listen to her yammer on about what a bright girl I am, with so much to offer—it’s such a shame I quit student council and that I’m not taking part in more extracurricular activities this year. Colleges, she said, look at other things besides grades and teacher recommendations, you know. They want to see that applicants to their schools also have interests outside of academics.
Lana was so right about Hola.
“I’m on the school paper,” I offered lamely.
“Mia,” Principal Gupta said. “You haven’t gone to one newspaper meeting this semester.”
I’d been hoping she hadn’t noticed that.
“Well,” I said. “It’s been kind of a bad semester so far.”
“I know,” Principal Gupta said. Behind her glasses, her eyes were kind. For once. “Clearly, you’ve been through a lot lately. But you can’t just shut down because of a boy, Mia.”
I blinked at her in horror. I mean, even if that might be true, I can’t believe she’dsay that.
“I’mn-not ,” I stammered. “This has nothing to do with Michael. I mean, yeah, I’m sad we broke up. But—it’s just…it’s a lot more than that.”
“What really disturbs me,” Principal Gupta said, “is that you seem to have given up your old friends as well. I’ve noticed that you’re no longer sitting with Lilly Moscovitz at lunch anymore.”