What is he talking about,come by and try to explain ? How can he come by and try to explain? I’m in SCHOOL.
And how can he still not know what he did wrong?????
Friday, September 10, Lunch
You know what? I don’t care. LET them stare at me. This is the most delicious thing I’ve ever eaten in this cafeteria. If I’d known the cheeseburgers were this good, as a matter of fact, I’d have started eating them a long time ago.
And you know what? I don’t even care. I mean, I still feel bad for the animals, and stuff.
But in a way it’s like…well, tough luck for them. The world is an unfair place. Sometimes you’re the windshield. Sometimes you’re the bug.
That’s from a song my mom likes.
If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I’ll probably come back as a cow, and I’ll spend my whole life in a tiny stall I can barely move around in, and eventually someone will come around and bonk me on the head and then skin me and make my skin into a leather miniskirt and the rest of me into hamburger and a girl whose boyfriend gave his Precious Gift to Judith Gershner will eat me, and that will just be too bad for me. It’s the circle of life, baby.
Wow. I guess I’m a total nihilist now.
Lilly seems to think so. And she can’t seem to believe it.
“A burger?” She just kept staring at my tray. “You’re eating a CHEESEBURGER?”
“I don’t care anymore,” I said. Because it’s true. I don’t. About anything. Being a nihilist, and all.
“You and my brother,” she said, “get into one fight, and you break up with him and start eating meat? He’s right. You HAVE lost your mind.”
I put my burger down at that one.
“He SAID that?” I demanded. I didn’t care that we were having this discussion in front of the whole lunch crowd—J.P., Boris, Ling Su, Tina, Perin. Why should I? I don’t care about anything anymore. “Michael said I’ve lost my mind?”
“Basically,” Lilly said. “And the fact that you’re sitting there eating a cheeseburger proves it. You haven’t eaten meat since you were six years old!”
“Well, maybe it’s time I started,” I said. “Maybe if I’d been getting more protein this whole time, I wouldn’t have made so many boneheaded decisions.”
“Which one of your many are you referring to?” Lilly asked acidly.
“Hey, Lilly,” J.P. said, quietly but firmly. “Cut it out.”
Lilly looked startled. She isn’t used to J.P. butting in on her conversations with me. Because he’s never done it before.
But it was too late. Because my eyes were already filling up with tears. Again.
I guess I’m not a nihilist after all.
“If he thinks I’ve lost my mind,” I said to Lilly, barely able to contain a sob, “then he doesn’t get it AT ALL. I HAVEN’T lost my mind. I just can’t DEAL with it anymore.”
“Deal with what?” Lilly wanted to know. “Having a guy who loves you so much that while you were off in Genovia this summer, he invented this fantastic thing that could change the face of medical history as we know it, just so he could prove he was good enough to be with you, only to have you slap him in the face when he explained that in order to get the thing off the ground he has to go away for a while?”
I just glared at her, even though it was kind of hard to see her through my tears.
“That’s not it,” I said, “and you know it.”
“Oh, wait, I know. Is it because all these months he didn’t tell you about something he KNEW you wouldn’t understand and would go bananas over, because it is in your nature to go bananas over the littlest things, and he wanted to spare you?”
“What he did,” I said, a catch in my voice, “wasn’t LITTLE—”
“Oh, spare me,” Lilly spat. “Tina told me about that stupid book her aunt gave her. Are you really so ignorant that you don’t know that this whole ‘Precious Gift’ crap started off as men’s way of controlling females so that they could limit their number of sexual partners, and therefore ensure the legitimacy of their own offspring?”
“Hold on,” I said, glaring at her. Which was hard to do, considering the tears that were causing my nose to feel prickly. “There is NOTHING wrong with waiting to have sex until you can do it with someone you love.”
“Of course there’s not,” Lilly said. “You’re totally entitled to that belief. But CONDEMNING someone who doesn’t necessarily SHARE that belief? That’s no better than those fundamentalist judges in Iran who condemn women to be buried up to their necks in sand and have rocks thrown at their heads. Because any way you look at it, that’s YOU punishing someone for not sharing YOUR morals.”
The tears totally came with that one. I mean, seriously. Comparing ME to one of those evil fundamentalist judges?
But Lilly wouldn’t let up.
“Why don’t you just admit what this whole fight with Michael is REALLY about, Mia?” she snarled. “You’re mad because Michael won’t do what you want and stay in New York to be your little lapdog. Because he has a mind of his own and he wants to use it to make a LIFE of his own. THAT’s what this is all about. And DON’T try to deny it.”
That’s when J.P. got up, grabbed Lilly by the arm, and said, “Come on. We’re going for a walk,” and dragged her out of the cafeteria.
And that’s also when I started to cry in earnest. Not sobbing or anything. Just quietly weeping, over the remains of my burger.
Yes. I am a pathetic crying meat-eater now.
Boris patted me on the shoulder and said, “Don’t cry, Mia. I think you’re doing the right thing. Long-distance relationships never work. Better to make a clean break of it, like this.”
“Boris,” Tina said, sounding exasperated.
“No,” I said. “He’s right.”
Because he is.
I just wish he wasn’t.
Also that I was dead.
I just went and got some bacon to put on my cheeseburger.
Friday, September 10, G & T
I almost skipped this class. Partly because I felt really sick after the burger. I definitely shouldn’t have added the bacon.
But also partly because I didn’t want to see Lilly again. Especially without J.P. to rein her in.
But I didn’t skip because I figured I’d just get in trouble. And a trip to Principal Gupta’s office is the last thing I need.
Also, I got some Tums from the nurse, and that seemed to help.
I was glad I didn’t skip when I walked into class. Glad, because the first thing I saw when I walked in was Lilly, WEEPING.
I wasn’t glad she was crying. I was glad because she so obviously needed me. I mean, something had Happened. Something BIG.
Boris was standing there next to her, looking alarmed. I think it’s only natural that I assumed Lilly was crying because of something Boris said to her, since he flung me this totally panicky look when I walked in.
“What did you do to her?” I asked him, shocked. Because Boris can be a jerk sometimes. But he honestly doesn’t MEAN to be. And he’s gotten a lot less jerky since Tina started going out with him.
“She was like this when I came in,” Boris insisted. “It wasn’t me!”
“Lilly.” I couldn’t imagine what could be the matter with her. Surely it couldn’t have anything to do with me and Michael.That would never make Lilly cry. Hardly anything made Lilly cry. Except…I gasped. “Did Lana Weinberger decide to run for student council president after all?”
“No!” Lilly said scornfully, between sobs. “God! Do you think I’d be crying over something likethat ?”
“Well.” I stared down at her blankly. “What is it, then?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Lilly said.
But I noticed her gaze slide toward Boris. What’s more important, Boris noticed it, too.
And so—exercising a little of the tact Tina has so carefully taught him—Boris said, “I guess I’ll just go start practicing now,” and went and let himself into the supply closet.