Then I stopped coaching him. He did what men are supposed to do. I mean he knew all the moves, even though he was never going to be a mad, impetuous lover. He was so methodical, like he was working his way through a sex manual. Something published around 1810.
Sure I got aroused, I'm not wood, you know, and right then it was thank God for little favors, though I wished he wasn't so polite.
"Am I too heavy on you?" he inquired.
You know, I really felt sorry for him. I mean he was trying.
But when it came to making a woman happy, he had the words but he just didn't have the music.
I wasn't going to take my problem to my brother, Chas has his own troubles. And if I told him Marleen was talking divorce, he wouldn't say, "I told you so," but he'd give me a look that would mean the same thing.
It was a funny feeling, not funny ha-ha but funny strange.
I mean I was a sociable guy, "Herm" to half the population, always ready for party time. But now, with my life falling apart, I couldn't think of a shoulder I could cry on.
I should tell you that I hate solitude. If I had to live like Chas, I'd go nuts. I like to be part of a crowd, everyone knocking back the drinks and laughing up a storm. Suddenly I felt alone, deserted, with no one but myself to talk to. I couldn't handle it, I admit it, and I was afraid of just giving up and crawling into a bottle of Absolut to end my days.
I was really down, dragging ass, when I got this great brainstorm.
There was someone I could talk to, a professional who would listen to my tale of woe and maybe tell me how to get out of the mess I was in.
I phoned Dr. Cherry Noble.
"Is this about Chas?" she asked me.
"No," I told her, "it's about me. I need help."
"That's a good start," she said.
So we set up an appointment. I didn't even ask her what it was going to cost. At that point in time her fee was the least of my worries.
I was afraid she might want me to lie on a couch, which would have been ridiculous, but she didn't even have one in her office.
She sat behind a desk for which I was thankful because I think I told you she's got the greatest legs in the world, and if she sat where I could see them, I'd probably end up making a pass and that would queer the whole deal. I sat in an uncomfortable armchair facing her across the desk.
I told her I was in deep shit with Marleen, that she had said she wanted a divorce and sounded serious about it. I also told her about the anniversary dinner I had missed.
"Surely she doesn't want a divorce because you forgot an anniversary,"
Dr. Noble said.
"Nah," I said. "That was just the final straw. I admit I've been a bad boy. Too much drinking. Too much partying. Too many beds, if you know what I mean."
"You were aware your behavior offended her?"
"I guess I knew it," I admitted, "but either I didn't care or I didn't think it would rile her all that much."
"And what is it you want from me, Herman-absolution? "
"Look, doc, the big problem is this, I can crawl on my knees to my wife, swear I'm going to straighten, up and fly right. And maybe she'll give me another chance.
Maybe. But I know that I won't be able to do it for long.
Sooner or later I'll go back to my old ways because, let's face it, I enjoy living like that. So what I want from you is to be told why I act the way I do, why I'm hooked on drinking and whoring around.
Maybe if I can understand why I do it, I can figure out how to stop permanently."
"Mmm," she said. "You don't want to lose Marleen?
"Hell, no!" I said. "I love that woman, and my little girl, Tania. I guess I haven't proved it to them, but I do love them.
I'm a self-centered sonofabitch, I know that, but I don't seem capable of changing."
"Do you honestly want to change?"
"Honestly I don't. I told you I like the way I've been living. But if changing is the only way I can hang onto Marleen and Tania, then I'll do it. What I want you to do is tell me how."
"What you're asking is that I help you learn why you drink so much and why you're a womanizer?"
"That's about it, doc."
"Mmm. Have you told Marleen that you were going to consult me?"
No.
"If I take you on, do you intend to tell her?"
I thought about that for a moment. "Probably," I said finally. "It may be the only way to keep her from going ahead with a divorce. If she hears I'm getting help, maybe she'll be patient until she sees if I'm really serious about mending my ways."
"And are you serious?"
"Would I be here if I wasn't?"
She was silent awhile, and I stared at her. She was handsome woman.
Great cheekbones. if a woman has high cheekbones and long legs, she's got it allright? Marleen had high cheekbones and long legs.
"I wouldn't care to be used, Herman," Dr. Noble said softly.
"I don't like the idea of your thinking of therapy as a ploy to keep Marleen from seeking a divorce. If I took you on, your treatment could conceivably take a long time. Perhaps months.
Perhaps years. Meanwhile, do you intend to keep living the way you have been?"
"I see what you're getting at, doc," I said slowly. "I can't ask Marleen to put up with my bullshit just because I'm going to a shrink.
Is that what you mean? "
"Something like that."
"That doesn't leave me much hope, does it?"
"There may be a way of working it out," she said evenly.
"Let me think about it. Phone me early next week. I think you've done a good job of analyzing your problem, but whether or not I can help you is a question. I hope you realize that the success of therapy will depend on you. Not on me, on you."
"Sure, I know that. Okay, I'll call you next week." I got up to leave.
"Have you seen Chas lately? " I asked her.
"Yes," she said. "I stopped by his place last Saturday."
"How's he doing?"
"Better," she said. "Are you going to tell him about your problem?"
"No. He's got his own worries." She nodded, rose, and opened her office door for me. , She was wearing a pantsuit so I never did get a good look at her legs.
It was then about three in the afternoon, and I didn't feel like going back to work. I could have gone out to the club and hoisted a few, but that didn't appeal to me right then. So, believe it or not, I went home. I guess I wanted time to think about what Cherry had said. She hadn't agreed to take me on, I noted, but she hadn't said no either. I figured my chances were fifty-fifty.
When I got home, I pulled into the driveway and didn't even get out of the car. I just sat there with the engine running and the air conditioner on. I saw Tania and Chester Barrow. They were both in their bathing suits, and they were having a hose fight across our two lawns.
They were having a helluva time, running around and screaming and dousing each other with water. I envied them. They ate, slept, enjoyed life, and that was about it. You had to grow up to have troubles.
I watched Chet Barrow, a good-looking boy, and thought about his mother.
She was primed, and I knew if I had to move into a motel room, she'd be my first guest. I was glad I hadn't mentioned that project to Dr.
Noble. She'd have thrown my ass out of her office for sure.
Tania came running over to the Lincoln, and I lowered the window.
"Why are you home so early, Daddy?" she asked.
"Just stopped by for a minute," I said. "Having a good time, honey?"
"It's okay," she said. "Better than going in that smelly pool."
Then Chet came close and sloshed her with water from his hose. She shrieked and ran away. He followed. I put up the window and watched the two of them scampering about, not a worry in the world.