I considered that a long time. "It's a tough one," I said finally.
"Probably a benefit to humanity and a curse to the subjects. But I really don't know. It's a philosophical question, isn't it?"
"Ethical," he said. "It's an ethical problem to the research chemist developing the drug. But it illustrates what I said about the difficulty of choice. We just can't be sure, can we? What troubles me most is using a drug to make the subject into a person he or she is not by nature. in other words, changing personality to conform to one's own standards, or one's employer's standards, or one's nation's standardswhich may or may not be to the subject's benefit."
I knew what Greg meant, but his scruples didn't deter me. I was resolved to alter the personality of my husband. I might succeed in making him into a person he was not by nature. But it was the man he ought to be.
The death and funeral of Marvin Mcwhortle Tcaused a slippage of three days in my detailed schedule for the ZAP Project, and early in August an additional day's work was lost when I received an unexpected visit from Colonel Henry Knacker. He demanded a progress report in the development of what he insisted on referring to as a "diet enrichment."
He sat in my private laboratory and viewed all the videotapes I had made. The colonel was favorably impressed with the results.
"Looks good to me, boy," he said when the final tape ended.
"You figure you've got a handle on the sex angle-correct? "
"Yes, sir," I said. "The most recent formulation resulted in increased physical aggression with normal or lessened sexual drive."
"Lessened?" he said sharply. "Not totally, I hope. We don't want to make eunuchs out of our fighting men, do we, son?" , "No, sir," I said. "I don't believe there is any danger of that. The last two tapes you viewed, taken at twenty-four hours and forty-eight hours after the initial injection, show quite clearly that the increased aggression and decreased sexuality are temporary phenomena."
"Any side effects?"
"I've observed none so far, " I told him. "Of course, it's always possible a delayed reaction to the hormone may turn up later, but I have no evidence of that' "Good-oh," hesaid, rubbinghispalms togetherwith satisfaction. "Now what's next on your program?"
"I have two objectives, sir," I said, "and failure to achieve them might possibly threaten the success of the entire project."
He frowned at me. "I don't like the sound of that. What's the problem, boy?"
I resented being addressed as "boy" or "son," particularly since the colonel appeared to be only a few years older than I.
But I made no objection. After all, he was the client-or represented the client-and I had no desire to endanger the funding of my research.
"The first objective," I said, "is the conversion of the liquid formulation to a solid. In other words, a pill or powder.
Such a conversion is usually a relatively simple process. But I should warn you that sometimes a new drug proves not to be orally active. It has no effect when ingested but must be administered by injection to achieve the desired result."
"That's ridiculous," he snapped, as if it were my fault.
"We can't spend time giving shots to a regiment of grunts about to go into combat. The logistics would be impossible."
"I realize that, sir," I said as patiently as I could. "But if a ZAP pill does prove ineffective, there is another method that should be considered. It might he testosterone formulation be possible to structure transdermal delivery. The drug would be carried on small patches applied directly to the skin." "Now you're talking!"
Knacker cried enthusiastically. "The bugle blows our boys stick on their patches, and pick up their rifles.
Correct?"
"Yes, sir," I said. "And I suspect a skin patch might have a longer-lasting effect than injection or pill." ,Sounds good to me," the colonel said. "Now what's the other problem?"
"The conversion of the ZAP formulation for use by humans.
There are actually two questions involved here. First of all, sir, you should be aware that sometimes drugs have effects on laboratory animals that cannot be duplicated in humans. The physiologies, of course, are q r not it will work uite different. The testosterone works on mice, as you have seen. Whether o on humans remains to be proved.
"The second part of the same question is what quantity of the formulation should be recommended for human use. Usually this is a technical problem in which the body weights of mouse and man are compared to calculate the proper volume of the human dose.
Conversion is an inexact science, and too much human dose or too testosterone may be given in the little. Really, the most effective conversions result from trial and error."
The officer looked at me with a pitying smile. "That's no problem, son," he said. "You get your pill made in the strength you think best and give, me a shout. I can provide all the human guinea pigs you need.
Listen, we have plenty of fuck-ups in the stockade right now who'll be happy to volunteer to gulp down a ZAP pill if they'll get time knocked off their sentence. You follow, boy?"
"Yes, sir," I said. "Then you wish to go directly from rodent to human tests without trials on larger laboratory animals?"
"You've got it, son, and the sooner the better. You give me the ZAP pill, and within a few days, a week at the most, I'll be able to tell you if you've got a winner or a washout.
Okeydokey?"
"Yes, sir," I said.
I locked the door after he departed. I thought he was a dreadful man, but at least I had won his approval to go directly from mouse testing to man testing.
Of course I had no intention of providing Colonel Knacker with a supply of pills, assuming I was successful in developing an oral form of the sex hormone. I had absolutely no wish to use imprisoned soldiers as "human guinea pigs." That would be such an immoral thing to do that I had rejected it even as he had proposed it.
My only ethical course of action, obviously, was to test the ZAP pill on myself. I doubted if it presented any mortal danger, but that had to be proved. And self-administration would give me much more precise observation of the results than if the drug was tried on other volunteers.
I must confess that I was eager to try the ZAP pill. I assure you again that I had no desire to become more aggressive.
At the same time I recognized that it would do no harm if I became, even temporarily, bolder and more assertive.
Both my wife and Marleen Todd had, on occasion, remarked on my indecision and a lack of determination that amounted to what they apparently saw as insipidity. Their comments disturbed me.
I was curious (and hopeful, I must admit) as to what effects the sex hormone would have on my behavior and personality.
That evening, before dinner, Mabel said to me, "Guess what?
We've been invited to a cocktail party."
"Oh?" I said. "Who's giving it?"
"Laura Gunther. She takes care of me at Hashbeam's Bo-teek.
I've known her for years. Well, she's having a cocktail party at her condo for all her best customers and their husbands or boyfriends. it sounds like fun." ,when is it to be?"
"Saturday afternoon at two o'clock."
"I'm afraid I won't be able to make it," I said at once. "I have to work on Saturday. But why don't you go. I'm sure you'll have a good time."
"I don't want to go alone," she protested. "Laura specifically asked that I bring you. She wants to meet you. I don't see why you can't forget your job for one Saturday afternoon."
"You don't understand," I said, "I'm behind schedule on a very important project, and I've just got to get caught up."