"You never want to go anywhere with me," she said angrily.
"Sometimes I think you're ashamed of me."
"That's not true, Mabel," I said.
"Well, I'm not going to the party by myself. I'll just spend another lonely Saturday afternoon at home. Laura will be so disappointed when we don't show up."
I sighed. "I'll tell you what, Mabel, suppose I take an hour or so off from work and meet you at the party. I'll have a drink or two and then go back to the lab. Will that be satisfactory?"
"I guess it'll have to be," she said. "What an old fogy you are."
My life was changing. I was aware of it, but the M odd thing was that I didn't seem responsible for the changes. I mean I wasn't consciously doing things differently. It was more like I was an observer, sitting back and noting my own metamorphosis.
I knew a lot of it was due to Cherry Noble. After she spruced up my studio, almost immediately I spruced up myself. it just seemed wrong to live like an unshaved bum when she had gone to all that trouble to make my home attractive.
But those were just the physical changes in my life. As a matter of fact, I duplicated the situation in my new book, The Romance of Tommy Termite. Lucy, his girlfriend, cleans up Tommy's nest, and before he knows it, he's bathing in rainwater every day and wearing a tie.
My more important transformations were things you couldn't see because they were happening inside me. The only way I can describe them is to liken them to a thaw. Something that had been frozen was warming. It was the damnedest thing. I knew it was, happening, but I didn't know why or what it portended.
For instance, on the days Cherry didn't visit, I'd phone her at home.
We'd have long, inconsequential talks, but I'd always hang up smiling.
And when she did show up at my place, I'd usually read to her what I had written about Tommy Termite's romance, and we'd discuss it and sometimes we'd argue. Cherry had some great ideas.
I don't think there was any exact date when it popped into my mind that I was in love with this woman. There was no sudden revelation, just a slow, gradual realization of how much she meant to me and how and my life would be without her. It scared me.
My brother came over for our usual Thursday lunch, and I was tempted to tell him how I felt. But I realized that was hopeless because I really didn't know how I felt. And besides, all he wanted to talk about were his own problems.
He mixed us heavy bourbon highballs in my new glasses, and we sat at the new dining table wolfing down the roast beef sandwiches and potato salad he had brought.
"I wasn't going to tell you this, Chas," he said, not looking at me.
"What the hell, you've got your own troubles. But Marleen wants a divorce."
" Shit, " I said. Then I groaned.
"Yeah," he said, "that was my reaction. But if that's what she wants, I'm not going to stand in her way."
I stopped eating to stare at him. He didn't look so good.
His face was puffy, eyes bloodshot, and he had put on so much lard that everything he wore looked a size too small. He was beginning to get a few red lines in his nose, and his cheeks were mottled. Pop began to look like that about five years before his liver gave out.
"Herm, you're an asshole," I told him "Marleen is a fine woman. If you had half a brain you'd do whatever you could to hang on to her. And there's Tania to think about."
"I know," he said miserably. "But what's the use? I'm never going to change."
"You can change. If you want to. You just don't want to."
"Oh, I want to," he said, "but I can't. I just don't have the gumption."
"Balls!" I said furiously. "You can go to AA or get dried out at some drunk farm. And you can stop chasing chippies. That doesn't take gumption. A little common sense will do it. You're just too goddamned selfish."
"You're right, brother. As usual."
He gave me a twisted grin, but I could see he was hurting.
All the anger went out of me and I couldn't yell at him anymore.
I felt sorry for him, and I worried about him. After all, he was my brother, and that counted.
"Herm, do me a favor, will you?"
"What's that? "
"Go see Dr. Cherry Noble. She helped me, she can help you."
He continued working on his lunch and didn't look up. "I already have," he said. "One interview. We talked and she said she'd let me know if she'd take me on. But then I thought about it and decided what's the point, I'm never going to change." , "Man, you're sick," I said.
I guess", he said. "But it's MY choice, isn't it? if I want to go down the tube, down I'll go."
I felt like weeping.
He glanced at his watch. "Hey," he said, "I've got to get back to the office. I may be a lush, but I'm a functioning alcoholic. You take care, y'hear."
He poured himself a tot of sour mash, knocked it back, and started for the door. Then he turned to face me.
"Still brothers?" he asked.
"Sure," I said huskily. "Always."
I just sat there, not moving, after he left. I found myself thinking about a guy in my squad in Nam. He was shooting smack and couldn't stop. He told me he knew he'd OD someday, and he did. Of course he had plenty of reasons. I could understand where he was coming from.
But I couldn't understand my brother. He had a nice home in South Florida, a good job, a loving wife, a great daughter. But he was destroying himself as surely as my buddy did in Nam. What is this thing with people that drives us to screw up our lives?
I knew I had to do something about Herman. I'd fired my best bet probably fail, but I had to try gu would be to ask Cherry for advice.
If Herm had talked to her, maybe he had dropped some clues as to why he behaved as he did.
When my phone rang, I wheeled over to the desk hoping it was her and she'd tell me she was coming to visit that evening. But it was Tania, and I perked up. iihiya, honey," I said. "Enjoying your summer vacation?
"Yes, I am, she said in that serious manner she had that always made me smile. "Uncle Chas, do you still have my hundred dollars?"
"Of course I do," I said. "It's in a special envelope marked with your name, just like I promised. Tania, have you and your boyfriend changed your minds about running away?"
She giggled. "Well, he's not really my boyfriend. And we haven't changed our minds. First we're going to Disney World, and then we're going to Alaska. That's why we need the money."
"Uh-huh," I said. "Honey, you know your parents are going to feel terrible when you leave home. I'll bet they'll cry."
"Maybe my mother will but not Daddy."
"Why not him?"
"Because he doesn't love me."
I caught my breath. "Tania, I don't think that's true. I believe your father loves you."
"No, he doesn't," she insisted. "Or he wouldn't do the. awful things he does. Uncle Chas, I've got to go. I'm going to help Chet decide what to pack. He's not very good at it."
"Pack?" I said. "Then you're leaving soon?"
"Real soon," she said. "Before school starts. Bye now!
I hung up slowly, confused and saddened. I had a wild idea of telling Herman that his daughter planned to run away. It might shock him into changing his ways. But I decided I couldn't risk it. It would betray Tania's trust and probably convince her that neither father nor uncle loved her.
I phoned Cherry at her office, something I rarely, did. The receptionist said Dr. Noble was busy at the moment, but she'd give her my message. I stared at the blank screen of my word processor and waited patiently. It was almost twenty minutes before Cherry returned my call.
"Can you come over tonight?" I asked her.