After he left, I had another drink and wondered if I had been wrong, maybe he really was selling my information to Russia or some other foreign place. But what the hell did I care. it's all about survival. And survival means money. I knew that at the age of four. And believe me, only people with money can afford morals-even if a lot of richniks haven't got any to speak of. But when you're poor, dirt-poor like I've been, morals are a joke. You scratch, claw, and do a lot of things you'd rather not do just to survive.
I had nothing against Marvin McWhortle personally. He was getting what he wanted, and I was getting what I wanted. It was strictly business.
Just like my deal with Willie the Weasel.
Sometimes I could kill them. Like tonight at supper, Mom is picking on Dad about buttered carrots. He don't like them, and she knows he don't like them. But she dumps a big spoonful on his plate and says,
"Eat them."
He don't say a word but he eats the carrots. Some of them.
Sort of pushing them around. What a wimp he is. Then they didn't talk at all anymore. So I got up and left the table.
"Where do you think you're going?" my mom yelled, but I just slammed out.
I went over to Ernie's, but his house was dark. Then I remembered they were going to the movies that night. My parents never take me to the movies. I don't care.
There were a lot of stars out, and I wondered what to do. I had a book report to write ("Tom Sawyer") but I didn't want to go back to my house. Dad would be working in the den with the door closed, and Mom would be watching one of her dopey travel shows on TV. They wouldn't even know I was home. They don't care.
I went through backyards, and Tania Todd was sitting on her back steps.
She's a year younger than me but she's a good kid.
We take the school bus together almost every morning, but I'm a grade ahead of her, so we don't have the same classes. But we both belong to the Nature Club.
"Hi, Tania," I said, and sat down next to her.
"Hi, Chet," she said.
My name is really Chester but I like to be called Chet. It sounds better.
"Why are you sitting out here?" I asked her.
"Just because," she said. Then she added, "Family matters."
"Yeah, well, I got the same thing," I said. "Sometimes grown-ups can act dopey."
She didn't say anything, and when I looked sideways at her, I saw she was crying. She wasn't making any sounds, but her face was all wet.
"Hey," I said, "you shouldn't be doing that."
"I can't help it," she said. "Why do they have to be that way-like they hate each other."
"I know," I said. "Mine, too. It makes you wonder why the hell they got married."
"You shouldn't swear," Tania said.
" Hell' isn't swearing," I told her. "It's just a plain word. I know some real swear words."
"Well, I don't want to hear them. My father says them sometimes, and I cover my ears."
"At least he talks," I said. "My dad don't even do that."
"Doesn't," she said.
The back door opened. Mrs. Todd came out and saw us. "What are you guys doing out here?" she asked, "Just sitting," Tania said, not looking at her.
"That's nice," her mother said. "I have chocolate chip cookies. Would you like some, Chet?"
"Okay," I said, and she brought us a plate of them. They were still warm, so I guess she had just made them. "Thank you, Mrs. Todd," I said.
She went back inside and Tania and I had a cookie. They had a lot of chocolate bits in them, which I like. My mom gets the store-boughten kind that come in a plastic bag and they don't have enough chocolate in them.
"Sometimes I wish I had never been born," Tania said.
"Yeah, well," I said, "I feel like that sometimes, too. But we were.
Born, I mean. So there's nothing we can do about it."
"Then I wish I had different parents. Like Sylvia Gottbaum.
She and her brother and her mother and her father are always doing things together. Like this summer they're all going to Paris, France.
I never get to go anywhere with my parents."
"And look at Ernie Hamilton," I pointed out. "He went to the movies tonight with his mom and dad. You know how many times my folks have taken me to the movies? Maybe three times, that's all.
There's one cookie left. You want it?"
"You can have it, Chet."
"Thanks. Your mom is a good cook."
"I wish my father thought so. Maybe he'd come home for dinner more often."
"He doesn't come home? Where does he eat?"
"Oh, he always has business meetings and things like that.
Anyway, that's what he says." She leaned close and whispered in my ear. "But I don't think so. I think he eats with other women."
"What other women?" I said in a low voice.
I don't know," she whispered. "But I heard Mother tell him he smelled of Passion. That's a perfume. My mother knows all about perfumes.
She makes them."
"But why would your dad want to have dinner with other women when your mother is such a good cook? " "I don't know," she said. "But it makes Mother unhappy."
"Because he won't eat her cooking?" "I guess. They're always being nasty about it. It scares me. I'm afraid they'll get in a real fight, and something awful will happen."
We were quiet a long time. it really was a super night with the stars and all. There was a half-moon and it lighted up the whole sky. It made everything seem big.
"You know," I said to Tania, "I've been thinking.
Maybe I'll leave."
"Leave where?"
"Home. Maybe I'll leave home."
She turned to look at me. "But where would you go?"
"I don't know. But I'd like to go somewhere. Away from here."
"But how would you do it?" she asked. "I mean how would you travel?"
"I've got some money, " I said. "Not very much, but maybe it's enough for a bus ticket somewhere. Or I could hitch a ride. Like on a truck going up north or anywhere.
I don't care."
She was silent awhile. Then, "When are you going to go?"
"I don't know. I haven't decided yet. But I don't want to live at home anymore. I want to be someplace else. Maybe I'll meet some people who'll take me in. Nice people."
"Chet," Tania said, "can I go with you? When you decide to go, can I go along with you?"
"I don't know," I said. "It might be dangerous. I've never been away from home before. Ernie Hamilton, he went to camp."
"I don't care. If you go away, I want to go with you.
Okay?
"I'll have to think about it," I told her. "It's very important."
"I know it is. If you leave home, promise me I can go with you.
Promise me, Chet. Cross your heart and hope to die."
"I'll think about it," I said, and that's all I said. After a while I got up and went home. just like I knew, my father was in the den with the door closed, and Mom was watching TV.
I went upstairs to my bedroom, locked the door, and counted my money.
I had four dollars and sixty-seven cents. I didn't know how much bus tickets cost, but I thought it would be more than that. But if Tania came with me, maybe she could get some money.
I thought it would be great if we were just walking along and found a wallet someone had lost, and it had a lots of money in it.
That would really be neat.
I'll tell you one thing, When I grow up and get married, I won't be like my dad.
I'll talk right and have a kid, I will talk to my wife, as much as she wants, and I'll do things with my kid.
Like I'll take him to the movies, and er been fishing. Also, I will we'll go fishing. I've nev play catch with him and things like that.