'How do you know this?
'He told me. I have a hunch he tried a lot of people here in End of Nothing, with the same result. He never tried with the robots. They have a different kind of mind, he said, maybe a different kind of senses. He snooped around Vatican a great deal, trying to pick up information. He's gone on information. His task in life is to gain an understanding of the universe. He picked up some stuff from Vatican, but not a great deal. He worked hard for what he got.
'Vatican was aware of someone snooping, said Jill. 'Like a mouse nibbling at a ton of cheese. That's the way Theodosius put it. But they never could find what or who it was. It worried them a lot. Apparently they just caught the edges of it.
'So there's not any chance, said Ecuyer.
'I'm sure there's not, said Tennyson.
'Dead in the water, said Ecuyer. 'We just sit here and take it. Christ, when I think of all we had going for us. The entire universe out there and us picking away at it. Now it's all going to be thrown away because of an imbecilic search for a true religion.
Tennyson stirred uneasily in his chair. 'I wish I could be of some help. I think Jill must wish the same. I have a feeling I'm failing you.
'Not at all, said Ecuyer. 'This isn't your problem.
'But it is, said Tennyson. 'It's a human concern as well as a Vatican one. Maybe it concerns everyone. I don't know. All life would benefit if we could get some answers.
'We may be able to think of some way to go, said Jill. 'I don't think we should give up. I can talk to my own tame cardinal.
'A lot of good that will do, said Ecuyer. 'He'll pooh-pooh your concerns. He will say it'll all work out — don't worry about it, child; in the long run, it'll come out all right.
Tennyson rose to his feet. 'I should have a look at Mary.
'I'll go with you, said Ecuyer. He said to Jill, 'Would you like to come along?
Jill shuddered. 'No, I don't think I would. I'll whip something up for dinner. Paul, would you like to join us?
'No, thanks. I'd love to, but there are chores to do.
Outside he said to Tennyson, 'I didn't want to ask in front of her, but how about her face? What really happened?
'Someday, Tennyson promised, 'we'll tell you all about it.
Forty-four
'I wish I could tell you, Jill said to Tennyson, 'but my mind's all cluttered up. So much strange was happening. As I told you, I looked at that insane diagram with the squiggle to one side and I knew the diagram was me and the squiggle was a question mark. He was asking what I was and I was racking my brain about what I could tell him when Whisperer spoke inside my mind and said he would take over.
'So he did.
'Yes, and I was there with him. He was inside my mind and we were, really, Just one mind and I knew what was going on, but I had no idea what it was. Back, millennia ago, they had this device called a telegraph over which men talked to one another with clicks transmitted over wires; you could stand there and listen to all that clicking and not know what was going on because you did not know the code. Or listening to two aliens talking and hearing all the words, all the clatter and the jabber that they use as words, but completely lost because you know nothing of the language.
'You said telegraph. Were there clicks?
'Some clicks, I guess, and a lot of other things, a lot of other sounds, which I suppose that I was making, not knowing how or why I made them and a bunch of funny thoughts running through my brain, as if they were my thoughts, but they must have been Whisperer's, for they surely weren't mine. At times I would think that I was catching on to what was going on and then I'd lose the thread of it and would be lost again. Ordinarily such a situation would have bothered me; in another situation I might have gone insane wondering what kind of creature I had turned into. But it didn't bother me. It wasn't as if I was in a daze, for I wasn't. My mind was entirely clear, although considerably flabbergasted. At times it seemed to me I was something else entirely and, at other times, I seemed to be standing off to one side, simply looking on, standing outside myself and watching this other self doing all those strange things. All this time the equation person, with a number of others all grouped about him, was slowly running through a number of equations and some diagrams, very simple basic equations and diagrams, not long strings of equations and complicated diagrams, as if he were talking carefully to a child. Baby talk, like one talks to children. And I thought, why, he's as confused as I am. He doesn't know any more about what is going on than I do. For the clicks and grunts and treebles and all the other sounds I was making could not have seemed like a language to him, any more than his diagrams and equations looked like a language to me.
'Whisperer probably was understanding some of it, said Tennyson. 'Whisperer was the one in control. He was a sort of double-jointed interpreter.
'He didn't pan out so well as an interpreter for me, said Jill. 'Although I think that may have been the case. He was working both sides of the street. We moved up close — I mean I moved up close to this equation person and watched what was going on and every once in a while, I'd point a finger at an equation or a diagram as if I might be asking a question about it, although it wasn't me who was asking the question. It was Whisperer, and when that happened, the equation person would go through all of it again, patient, trying to make us understand. Sometimes he had to go through it several times before Whisperer seemed to understand.
'But you understood none of it?
'Jason, I think I did — some of it. Not a full understanding, of course, but snatches of it. And some of it I may have marginally understood I plain forgot because I don't think it was the kind of information that the human mind could be expected to grasp the first time around. Some of it, I know, was outrageous — outrageous by human standards. There seemed to be no logic in it. You know what I think, Jason? — 'No, what do you think?
'I think the equation world operates on a variable logic pattern. One statement can be logical in one context, but not in the next. It was infuriating. I'd grab a piece of it by the tail, then something would come along to make that one piece I had grasped outlandish. I don't know. I really do not know. Some of it I'm sure I caught the drift of at the time, but I don't have it now. Whisperer said he wanted me to go with him because my viewpoint might be different from yours and I guess it must have been. Nothing like this happened to you when you were there — did it?
'No, it didn't. I was just confused.
'The difference, said Jill, 'might not have been with you and me. Come to think of it, I don't believe it was. The difference was with Whisperer. He'd been there twice, you see. He might have been getting the hang of it. On a second trip you, too, might get the hang of it. And he'd probably been thinking about it all the time since he got back with you.
'Jill, I'm sorry you had to go through this. There was no reason that you should. I told Whisperer to leave you out of it. He thought he could work with you as he had worked with me, but I told him-
'Yes, I know. He told me you had told him.
'Where is Whisperer now?
'I don't know. I came back. All of a sudden, I came back. Not here, but to my own suite. That's where we started out. Whisperer wasn't with me. He wasn't in the room and he wasn't in my mind. I don't know how I knew this, but I knew he wasn't.
'I wonder if he knows that Decker's dead. That will hit him hard. He and Decker were great pals. Decker tried to pretend that he didn't care one way or the other, but he did. He thought a lot of Whisperer.
Jill picked up the coffee pot and filled Tennyson's cup. 'I made a cake, she said. 'Do you want a piece?