She smiles at me before glaring at Hunter. “Good morning, Miss Baker. How are you feeling?”
“Sore and thirsty,” I rasp out.
“I’ll go get her water,” Hunter states, before running out of the room.
“That boy has been more of a handful than half of the patients here. He refused to leave this room for anything. Are you okay with him being here?” I smile and nod my head. “We tried to tell him that he couldn’t be in here but my God, he threw a bigger tantrum then any of my children ever had.” I laugh as I think of Hunter throwing a fit when they told him that he had to leave. Hunter comes back in with a cup and hands me the ice water. “Drink that slowly, the doctor will be in soon to talk to you.” She leaves and I look over at Hunter.
The silence between us in deafening. “What happened? Why am I here?”
His hands scrub over his face before he sits down in the chair next to my bed. “What do you remember?”
“I was getting ready for the show…” I try to think of what happened next and that’s when I remember it. What he said. It was like a knife to my heart, hearing him basically call me a slut. It had already been a really crappy day to say the least, and I get enough shit from my mom, that I really didn’t need it from him. I narrow my eyes at him.
His face drops. “Yeah, about that, I’m fucking sorry Sam. I never should have—“
“Miss Baker?” I look to the door and see a man who I assume is a doctor. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay.”
He looks over at Hunter. “I have to ask your permission to discuss your medical condition in front of your guest.”
Hunter looks over at me and right now, I just want him gone. He hurt me. On the other hand, he has been here with me. The nurse said he never left. He is so hot and cold that it’s confusing me and I have no idea where his head is. I want to tell him to leave. I want to have the doctor make him leave. But I don’t. Right now I need support, I need someone to be here for me. Even though he is an asshole to me fifty percent of the time, I feel like he is the only one I have in my corner. “He can stay.” Hunter’s body seems to relax a bit.
“Okay, Miss Baker. You need to start taking better care of yourself. This includes eating at least three solid meals, or six small ones. This may be an assumption, but judging from your chart, I think you may be suffering from an eating disorder. Your body is becoming malnourished and you need to understand the severity of these kinds of diseases. Not eating will cause organ failure, or a heart attack and can lead to death. It is no joke, and I know it may be hard given your profession, but you need to make sure that you are getting the things that you need.”
I look over at Hunter, wishing I had said he couldn’t be in here. An eating disorder? I mean, yeah, I don’t eat a lot. I don’t usually have much of an appetite and when I try to eat, my mother’s words usually echo in my ears. The realization about how unhealthy I have been living sets in. I can feel his eyes on me, watching me.
“I will be sending in a nutrition counselor to speak with you today.” The doctor continues to talk but I am so lost in my own head that I’m barely paying attention. I hear a door shut and I look up to see the doctor gone and Hunter’s gaze fixed on me. I have no idea what to say to him. I want to curse him out for saying the things he said to me. I want to tell him to leave me alone and not to come back. I want him to hold me and tell me that I will be okay. I want him to be someone I can count on, I need at least one person in my life. The life I live is filled with people around me constantly but none of them are actually in my life. None of them actually give a shit.
“Sam?” I look up at him and he is sitting next to me. “Talk to me.”
“Why, so you can throw it in my face the next time you feel bipolar? So that you can pretend that you care and then act like a complete asshole later? I’m good, thanks.” I turn away from him. I want to trust him. I want to let him in. But he is a risk that I can’t take right now. And he’s proven that I can’t let my guard down.
“I’m not good for you. I know that. I am a fucking asshole, and honestly it’s hard fucking work to keep that shit up. I don’t want to hurt you. I want to help. The problem is, I don’t know if I can help you. I can’t have the past repeat itself.” His head is aimed at the floor, his eyes unwilling to meet mine. I can hear the pain in the strain of his voice. What happened in the past? What does that have to do with me now?
I’m about to ask him all of this when the door opens once again. The last person I want to see walks in, my mother. “Samantha, has the doctor been in? Did he say what happened? When will they release you? I need to know how many things to reschedule.”
Hi Mom, I’m feeling okay. The doctor said I have an eating disorder. Love you too. I should be used to it by now but I’m not. I just want her to be my mother, to care. “I don’t know when I will be getting out.” That’s all I say to her. Tears prick my eyes as the words escape my mouth from the struggle of trying to hide my emotions.
Hunter’s hand grips mine and I look over at him. I know he hates the way she treats me and it’s like he is trying to make up for it.
“Well, I will just go to the nurse’s station and find out. This is absurd; you are perfectly healthy, everyone suffers from exhaustion.” Before I can reply, she is out the door to go pester the nurses.
“Why do you put up with her shit?”
Well, if that isn’t the million dollar question. “I don’t know. I mean, she’s my mother.”
“Exactly. You’re her daughter Sam, not just a fucking paycheck.” What he says resonates with me more then he knows. My mother and I used to have a good relationship and I miss those days. I don’t trust Hunter with my feelings though. I can’t open up to him, just to be shut down or have it used against me later.
“Who are you to talk? I’m just a paycheck to you, aren’t I? Oh no wait, I’m also the one night stand. You haven’t treated me any better than her, so how can you sit there and act all high and mighty?”
I see hurt flash in his eyes before it’s replaced with anger. “You know what? Fuck this.” He stands up and moves toward the door. “If this is what you want, then I’ll leave. Have fun with the hyena.”
It’s not what I want. I just don’t know how to accept someone actually being here, I’m so used to being alone.
Before I can protest, he is out the door.
I’m alone, once again.
Chapter Nine
Samantha
The phone rings beside me, making me jump. I’m half asleep, since trying to get any rest in this hospital is basically impossible. Thank God I’m getting discharged today. I see it’s my mother calling and take a deep breath before answering it.
“Hey, the doctor said I should be out of here within an hour.”
“That’s good. I’m just calling to let you know I need to take a meeting. I’ll ask Joe to come get you.” I hear the clicking of a keyboard in the background and between that and her detached tone, I know she is only half present in this conversation.
“You’re really not going to come?” I try to mask the hurt in my voice but I know I don’t do a good job of it.
“Samantha, don’t be dramatic. You’re a big girl, I’m sure you don’t need me to hold your hand.” I don’t say anything. She just doesn’t get it. She hasn’t gotten it for a while. I need a mother, not a manager. “That’s my other line, I’ll see you later.”
The phone clicks in my ear and I sink back against the bed. How can she not care? How can she just push me off to the side? It hurts more than it should. I should be used to it by now. How can you get used to the fact that your mother doesn’t love you?
I think back to what happened with Hunter yesterday. I know that I took my frustration with my mother out on him. He had been here for me. He’d been the only one here. He is just so hot and cold that it scares me. I need someone who will be stable. Now, as I sit here alone, I wish I hadn’t pushed him away.