I crucified that little voice, too. There was no room for doubts. Then I turned to the table, and to the elongated circle of silver I’d built into its surface.
Lasciel appeared between me and the table, in her usual white tunic, her red hair pulled back into a tight braid. She held up both hands and said, quietly, “I cannot permit you to do this.”
“You,” I said in a quiet, distant voice, “are almost as annoying as a sudden phone call.”
“This is pointless,” she said. “My host, I beg you to reconsider.”
“I don’t have time for you,” I said. “I have a job to do.”
“A job?” she asked. “Evading your responsibilities, you mean?”
I tilted my head slightly. In my current mental state, the emotions I felt seemed infinitely far away and all but inconsequential. “How so?”
“Look at yourself,” she replied, her voice that low, quiet, reasonable tone one uses around madmen and ugly drunks. “Listen to yourself. You’re tired. You’re injured. You’re wracked by guilt. You’re frightened. You will destroy yourself.”
“And you with me?” I asked her.
“Correct,” she said. “I do not fear the end of my existence, my host but I would not be extinguished by one too self-deluded to understand what he was about.”
“I’m not deluded,” I said.
“But you are. You know that this effort shall probably kill you. And once it has done so, you will be free from any onus of what happened to the girl. After all, you heroically died in the effort to find her and retrieve her. You won’t have to attend her funeral. You won’t have to explain yourself to Michael. You won’t have to tell her parents that their daughter is dead because of your incompetence.”
I did not reply. The emotions grew a little closer.
“This isn’t anything more than an elaborate form of suicide, chosen during a moment of weakness,” Lasciel said. “I do not wish to see you destroy yourself, my host.”
I stared at her.
I thought about it.
She might be right.
It didn’t matter.
“Move,” I murmured. “Before I move you.” Then I paused and said, “Wait a minute. What am I thinking? It isn’t as though you can stop me.” Then I simply stepped through Lasciel’s image to the table, and reached for the white envelope.
The white envelope began to spin in place on the table, and abruptly became dozens of envelopes, each identical, each whirling like a pinwheel.
“But I can,” Lasciel said quietly. I looked up to find her standing on the opposite side of the table from me. “I witnessed the birth of time itself. I watched the mortal coil spring forth from perfect darkness. I watched the stars form, watched this world coalesce, watched as life was breathed into it and as your kind rose to rule it.” She put both hands on the table and leaned toward me, her blue eyes cold and hard. “Thus far, I have behaved as a guest ought. But do not mistake propriety for weakness, mortal. I beg you not to oblige me to take further action.”
I narrowed my eyes and reached for my Sight.
Before I could use it, my left hand exploded into flame.
Pain, pain, PAIN. Fire, scorching, parboiling my hand as I tried to hold it back with my shield bracelet. The memory of my injury in that vampire-haunted basement came rushing back to me in THX, and my nerve endings were listening.
I fought down a scream, breathing, my teeth snapping together so suddenly and sharply that a fleck of one of my molars chipped away.
It was an illusion, I told myself. A memory. It’s a ghost, nothing more. It cannot harm you if you do not allow it to do so. I pushed hard against that memory, turning the focus of my will against it.
I felt the illusion-memory wobble, and then the pain was gone, the fire out. My body pumped endorphins into my bloodstream a heartbeat later, and I drifted on them as my focus started to collapse. I leaned hard against the table, my left hand held close to my chest in pure reflex, my right supporting my weight. I turned my attention to the envelopes and forced my will against them until the illusions grew translucent. I picked up the real envelope.
Lasciel regarded me steadily, her beautiful face unyielding, determined.
“Sooner or later I’ll push through anything you throw,” I panted. “You know that.”
“Yes,” she said. “But you will not be able to focus on the divination until you are quit of me. I may force you to exhaust yourself resisting me, in which case you will not attempt the divination. Even if I only delay you until dawn, there will be no need for you to attempt it.” She lifted her chin. “Whatever happens, the divination will not be successful.”
I let out a low chuckle, which made Lasciel frown at me. “You missed it,” I said.
“Missed what?”
“The loophole. I can kill myself trying it while you rock the boat. And after all, this entire exercise is nothing more than a suicide attempt in any case. Why not go through with it?”
Her jaw clenched. “You would murder yourself rather than yield to reason?”
“More manslaughter than murder, I’d say.”
“You’re mad,” the fallen angel said.
“Get me some Alka-Seltzer and I’ll foam at the mouth, too.” This time I hit Lasciel with the hard look. “There’s a child out there who needs me. I’d rather die than let her down. I’m doing the spell, period. So fuck off.”
She shook her head in frustration and looked away, frowning. “You are quite likely to die.”
“Broken record much?” I asked. I got out the lock of baby-fine hair, set my knife down on the table, and lit the ceremonial candles there. The fallen angel was correct, dammit. The fear stirred dangerously inside me and my fingers shook hard enough to break the first kitchen match instead of kindling it to life.
“If you must do this,” Lasciel said, “at least attempt to survive it. Let me help you.”
“You can help me by shutting the hell up and going away,” I told her. “Hellfire isn’t going to be any use to me here.”
“Perhaps not,” Lasciel said. “But there is another way.”
There was a shimmer of light in the corner of my eye, and I turned to see a slowly pulsing silver glow upon the floor in the middle of my summoning circle. Two feet beneath it lay the Blackened Denarius where the rest of Lasciel was imprisoned.
“Take up the coin,” she urged me. “I can at least protect you from a backlash. I beg you not to throw your life away.”
I bit my lip.
I didn’t want to die, dammit. And the thought of failing to save Molly was almost worse than death. The holder of one of the thirty ancient silver coins had access to tremendous power. With that kind of boost, I could probably pull the spell off, and even if it went south I could survive it under Lasciel’s protection. Somehow, I knew that if I chose to do it I could get the coin out from under the concrete in only a moment, too.
I stared at the silver glow for a moment.
Then I rolled my eyes and said, “Are you still here?”
Lasciel’s face smoothed into an emotionless mask, but there was a subtle, ugly tone of threat in her voice. “You are much easier to talk to when you are asleep, my host.”
And she was gone.
Fear rattled around inside me. I tried to calm it, but I couldn’t regain my earlier detachment-not until I thought of young Daniel, mangled beneath my wizard Sight, wounded defending his family from something I had sent after them.
I thought of Molly’s brothers and sisters. I thought of her mother, her father. I thought of the laughter, the sheer, joyous, rowdy life of Michael’s family.