‘Well, in Roman times -’
‘There were vineyards along Hadrian’s Wall. You’re always telling us that, Mr Wine Bore.’
‘Am I? Well, it bloody bears repeating, because maybe it proves that it’s just the great cycle of nature coming round again.’
‘The great recycle of nature.’
‘Except we know it isn’t. Did you see that map of global warming in the paper the other day? It said a four-degree rise would be utterly disastrous – no water in most of Africa, cyclones, epidemics, rising sea levels, the Netherlands and south-east England under water.’
‘Can’t we rely on the Dutch to sort something out? They did before.’
‘What timespan are we actually talking about?’
‘If we don’t agree now, we could have a four-degree rise by 2060.’
‘Ah.’
‘You know – I expect you’ll all beat me up for this – but there are times when it feels almost glamorous to be part of the last generation.’
‘What last generation?’
‘The last to use Latin tags. Sunt lacrimae rerum.’
‘Well, looking at the human animal and its historical track record, it’s perfectly possible we shan’t get out of this one. So – the last generation to have been truly careless, truly without care.’
‘I don’t know how you can say that. What about 9/11 and terrorism and Aids and…’
‘Swine flu.’
‘Yes, but they’re all local, and in the long run minor.’
‘In the long run we are all dead – now that was Keynes.’
‘What about dirty bombs and nuclear war in the Middle East?’
‘Local, local. What I was talking about was a sense that it’s all out of control, all too late, nothing we can do about it…’
‘Way past the tipping point…’
‘… and just as, in the past, people looked ahead and posited the rise of civilisation, the discovery of new continents, the understanding of the universe’s secrets, now we are looking at a vista of grand reversal and inevitable, spectacular decline, when homo will become a lupus to homini again. As in the beginning, so it was in the end.’
‘Blimey, you are in apocalyptic mode.’
‘But you said glamorous. What’s glamorous about the world burning up?’
‘Because you, we, had the world before it did so, or before we realised that it would do so. We’re like that generation which knew the world before 1914, only to the power of a thousand. From now on it’s all about – what’s that phrase? – managed decline.’
‘So you don’t recycle?’
‘Of course we do. I’m a good boy, like everyone else. But I quite see Nero’s point. May as well fiddle while Rome burns.’
‘Do we believe he did? Isn’t it like those famous sayings that nobody ever said?’
‘Is it? Weren’t there eyewitness accounts of Nero fiddling? Suetonius, as it were?’
‘Res ipsa loquitur.’
‘Tony, that’s enough.’
‘I didn’t know they had violins in Ancient Rome.’
‘Joanna, at last a pertinent observation.’
‘Isn’t Stradivarius an old Roman name? Sounds like one.’
‘Isn’t it amazing how much we don’t know?’
‘Or how much we know but how little we believe.’
‘Who was it said they had strong opinions weakly held?’
‘Give up.’
‘I don’t know either, I just remembered it.’
‘You know, our council has actually started to employ recycling snoopers. Can you imagine that?’
‘Not until you tell us what they do.’
‘They come round looking at your recycling bins and check if you’re recycling enough of something -’
‘They actually come on to your property? I’d sue the buggers for trespass.’
‘… and then if, say, they find you haven’t put out enough tins, they’ll shove a leaflet through the door explaining how to pull your socks up.’
‘Bloody cheek. Why not spend the money on extra nurses or something?’
‘That’s what it’ll come to in Apocalyptic Britain. Snoopers breaking down your front door to see if you’ve left your telly on standby.’
‘They wouldn’t find many tins in our recycling, because we hardly buy any. Most of it’s far too high in salt and preservatives and so on.’
‘Ah, but when the snoopers get to work on you, you’ll be buying tins and chucking away the contents so you can keep up your recycling quota.’
‘Couldn’t they replace snoopers with extra surveillance cameras?’
‘Aren’t we getting off the point?’
‘What’s new about that?’
‘Stradivari.’
‘I beg your pardon.’
‘Stradivarius is the instrument, Stradivari the maker.’
‘Fine by me. Absolutely fine.’
‘When I was young, I used to hate the way the world was governed by old men, because they were obviously out of touch and mired in history. Now the politicians are all so bloody young they’re out of touch in a different way, and I don’t so much hate it as fear it, because they can’t possibly understand enough about the world.’
‘When I was young, I liked short books. Now I’m older, and there’s less time left, I find I prefer long books. Can anyone explain that?’
‘Animal self-delusion. One part of you pretending that there’s more time than there really is.’
‘When I was young and started listening to classical music, I used to prefer the fast movements and was bored by the slow movements. I just wanted them to be over. Now it’s the opposite. I prefer slow movements.’
‘That’s probably connected to the blood slowing down.’
‘Does the blood slow down? Just out of interest.’
‘If it doesn’t, it ought to.’
‘Another thing we don’t know.’
‘If it doesn’t, it’s still a metaphor and, as such, true.’
‘If only global warming were a metaphor.’
‘Slow movements are more moving. That’s what it’s about. The others have noise, excitement, initiation, conclusion. Slow movements are pure emotion. Elegiac, a sense of time passing, inevitable loss – that’s slow movements for you.’
‘Does Phil know what he’s talking about?’
‘I always know what I’m talking about at this time of night.’
‘But why should we be more moved now? Are our emotions deeper?’
‘Back then you were exhilarated and excited by the fast movements.’
‘Are you saying that the pool of emotions remains the same size, but pours out in different directions at different times?’
‘I might be saying that.’
‘But surely we had our strongest emotions when we were young – falling in love, getting married, having children.’
‘But now perhaps we have longer emotions.’
‘Or our strongest emotions are of a different kind now – loss, regret, a sense of things ending.’
‘Don’t be so gloomy. Wait till you have grandchildren. They’ll surprise you.’
‘ “All of the pleasure and none of the responsibility.”’
‘Not that one again.’
‘I did put it in quotes.’
‘And a sense of life’s continuance that I didn’t get so much with my own children.’
‘That’s because your grandchildren haven’t disappointed you yet.’
‘Oh, don’t say that.’
‘OK, I didn’t say that.’
‘So do we think there’s any hope for the planet? Given global warming, a failure to identify true self-interest, and the politicians being as young as policemen?’
‘The human race has got itself out of scrapes before.’
‘And the young are more idealistic than we were. Or at least are.’
‘And Galileo is still winning against the Pope. That’s a kind of metaphor.’
‘And I still haven’t got bum cancer. That’s a kind of fact.’
‘Dick, something to finally tip the balance. The world is now a positive place to live in.’