I roll over and place my hand onto the warm mattress. He must have just gotten up. I sit up in the bed and look around the room.
His clothes are missing from the floor, his wallet and watch nowhere to be seen. Did he leave? Would he leave after what transpired last night… and this morning?
Relief washes through me when the bathroom door opens and Gabriel exits, pulling a crewneck shirt over his chest. I blush thinking about the things I did to that chest last night. His chest, his thighs, his lips…
Gabriel sees me sitting in the middle of the bed and stops in his tracks. He looks hesitant, nervous even. What’s the matter with him? It feels like our first time all over again.
“Morning,” he states politely, moving to the chair in the corner of the room. He sits down and puts on a fresh pair of socks. He looks perplexed. “I didn’t want to wake you.”
He looks handsome in a white waffle-weave shirt and blue jeans. He steps into brown loafers and adjusts his watch. “I’m going to the house to get Jack. Thought maybe we’d go to the park for a few hours.” He glances out the window. “It looks like it’s going to rain, so I want to get out before the downpour begins.”
My heart nearly bounces out of my chest at the thought of Gabriel coming home. Wrapping the sheet around me, I start to make my way off the bed, surprised I have the need for modesty after ten years and last night’s extracurricular activities. “Give me a few minutes. I’ll just throw on…”
“No. You should stay,” he states, grabbing his wallet and keys off the dresser.
What’s going on here? For a man who just made love to me last night, he’s not acting like he should.
My feet stop moving. I turn around slowly. Gabriel is on the other side of the room, yet his soul feels like he’s miles away.
“Gabriel?” My voice is hesitant. Does he know what I’m asking? I look down at the sheet, afraid to see the answer in his eyes.
I hear him breathe and sense the resignation in his tone. “I don’t want you to go home with me, Kat.” His voice is steady and sure.
I bite my lower lip to keep it from trembling.
Breathe, Kat. Just breathe.
“You don’t want me?”
He doesn’t answer. I look up to meet his face, but he’s looking away. His brow is formed in a V, his lips mashed together.
“Answer me, Gabriel!” My voice is shaky yet commanding.
“No.” His eyes dart toward the door. “I don’t want you to go with me.”
“But why?” I cry. “After everything we shared last night, I thought we were fixed.”
His breathing is deep and steady, his attention still focused on the door. He’s trying to hold himself together. “I… I love you so much, Kat. More than you ever gave me credit for. Finding out what you did, that killed me. I lost a piece of my heart that I won’t ever get back.” He lifts a bag off the floor and walks to the door.
Everything happens in slow motion. It feels like it takes him hours to walk across the room and a decade to head out the door. I know I should say something. Begging comes to mind. I have no words. Defeated is the proper verb. Before I know it, he’s out the door, again.
With the sheets still wrapped around my shoulders, I fall to the ground. My forehead hits the bedpost.
Should I chase him?
What am I supposed to do now?
Nothing.
There’s nothing more I can do. I can’t chase him anymore. What we had is dead. I saw it in his eyes. He doesn’t want me anymore, and I destroyed the best thing I ever had.
In the most audacious walk of shame I’ve ever known, I step through the lobby of The Inn in my thousand-dollar gown and head to Gwen’s car to retrieve my gym bag. Gwen thought I should start going to the gym again to relieve stress. The bag has been sitting in her car for two weeks.
I ignore the stares and glares from the receptionist on my way out, but there was no avoiding them on my way in. Yes, I slept with a man last night in this hotel. If they only knew I was the adulteress having an affair with her own husband.
The “other man” was waiting for me at a hotel in the city, waiting for my answer. Oh, Asher, you were such a vital part of my life, and now I rue the day I met you. There are so many aspects of him I am drawn to, but he’s no good for me.
The man I love doesn’t love me anymore, and the man I lust for says he loves me. What does this mean? Is Gabriel leaving me this morning a cosmic sign that I am meant to be at the W Hotel right now starting my new life with Alexander Asher?
I strip out of the gown and change into my black yoga pants and matching zip-up and lace up my sneakers. I have to get out of here.
I walk out of The Inn and head toward the train station. I’m afraid if my nerves get the better of me, I’ll crash the car.
There’s no use in going home. I can’t face Gabriel right now, and Gwen will have to wait for her daily update on the drama that is my life. I’m going to ask her to stay with Jackson and me permanently. Turns out I need my mother after all.
She never did tell me what she would have done if my dad never passed away. Would she have started a new life with the other man? Is he who she was meant to be with? Did she only stay with my dad out of obligation?
Is that why I want Gabriel? Because we took a vow and I feel obligated to him? Is Asher the man I should really be with?
Mrs. Kathryn Asher. It has a really nice ring to it. We would be the Ashers. Our kids could have his bronze skin with my green eyes. I’ll even let them have his golden highlights. Jackson will love his new siblings. He’s so young; he’ll never know any other life.
How sad. He’ll never know a life when Gabriel and I were together. Tears pour down my cheeks, but I wipe them away. No, Asher and I will have a great life. We’ll spend the first two years naked and loving each other. The way we did in Miami.
Miami. Before that trip, I didn’t know how he felt about me. And I have feelings for him too. Otherwise, I would never have landed in his bed. And yesterday, he was so kind and considerate. He said he’d give me time. He knew I’d return.
The train comes to a stop at Penn Station, and I make my way to the restroom. I splash water on my face and apply mascara and a little lip-gloss. Despite my morning sobfest, I feel surprisingly rested.
Probably because for the first time in a long time, I know what I want.
I take the escalator up the terminal and exit onto Eighth Avenue. The sky is dark and cloudy. The wind picks up. I relish the heaviness of the air. It matches how I feel.
I make my way down Forty-Second Street and walk across town. With each block, the heaviness of my heart sinks deeper. Am I making the right decision?
Lexington Avenue is quiet, as it usually is on Saturday. The cars move steadily up and down the street. I see the building in front of me. I should move my feet, but I can’t. They feel like lead. A drop of water falls from the sky.
We met on a day just like this. Grey skies and wind. Another drop falls and I look up. Another falls and then another. Yes, we met on a day just like today. That was when my life changed forever. On the other side of the street is a man who wants me. And I want him.
If I could take it all back, would I?
I’m standing on a corner in the rain. How did I get here? How did I come to this point in the road?
The rain starts to pour, the drops heavier. I don’t have an umbrella. I didn’t have an umbrella that day.
The corner is wet, my clothes are soaked, but I can’t move. I’m here to see him.
Asher gave me an umbrella. “So you never get caught in the rain again.” Yet, here I am. In the rain. Again.
Him.
Asher.
There he is, walking out the front door of the hotel. Right where he’s supposed to be.
He said he’d be here, and he is.
Through the parting umbrellas, I can see his face. Those golden eyes and chiseled chin striking against his broad shoulders and strong thighs.