That could all be mine.
He’s carrying an umbrella, shielding him from the rain.
The white pearl handle covered by his strong hands.
So in control. So dry.
He will take care of me.
He’s wearing grey. That’s the color. The color that defines my life.
He said it himself.
Nothing is black and white.
Just grey.
Gray.
I want to run, dash across the street and grab him. Hold him in my arms, feel his tongue in my mouth.
I want to caress him, feel his hand under my skirt. But my legs are lead. I cannot move.
He’s waiting for me. This is my moment.
But do I turn to him or run away?
Far away.
What do I do?
What would you do?
Who would you chose?
Warm rays hit the deck of the boat as I raise my head to bask in the glorious day. Resting my head on the cushion, I lean back and let the heat hit my face. You can only get this sunshine in the South.
The boat is docked, and we’re getting ready to depart. I don’t know a thing about boats. My family was all about baseball. It took me a while to adjust to my new lifestyle, but I couldn’t be happier.
“Enjoying the sun?” Gwen says, coming out of the cabin below, holding my son, Gray. “I think someone is hungry.”
Gwen places my baby boy in my arms. I put my finger in his mouth and he sucks immediately. Yes, someone is very hungry. Gwen laughs with her “a grandmother always knows” attitude. I smile back as she returns to the cabin.
This sailboat isn’t your average dingy. Gwen says it’s a yacht. When you step inside the boat, there is a sectional sofa with a seating area to the right and television console to the left. Behind that living room is a dining area, to the right a kitchen. There are two bedrooms and two bathrooms, not to mention a small captain’s quarters. The wood glistens under the pin lighting and the cream colors of the carpet and furniture upholstery make the space look luxurious.
I feed and burp the baby before taking him inside the cabin, settling him in his bassinet. Grayson is the newest addition to our family. Jackson is so in love with his little brother. He gives him kisses daily. When he’s not smothering him with hugs that is.
“Where is Jackson?” I ask.
“Your men are on the dock, looking at the big boats.”
I step outside and look down the dock for my husband and child. Two years ago, I never would have thought I could be this happy. With all the trepidation and what-ifs that played in my head, I know I’m exactly where I belong.
I remember the day I had to make the most important decision of my life. I was standing in the rain, watching Asher exit the W Hotel.
I was just about to step away when golden eyes caught me. I couldn’t move. I was frozen.
Surprised to see me standing there drenched in the rain, Asher left his entourage and started toward me. He leapt off the curb and ran across the street.
Seeing him darting toward me, my feet found their stride and I started to move. I had to get away.
“Kathryn!” he called out, dropping the white pearl-handled umbrella to gain distance. The rain picked up. I knew I shouldn’t, but I turned around anyway, and just like the day we met, I was entrapped.
“Where are you going?” he asked, sounding confused, and he had every right to be. I showed up, but I was walking away.
Looking at him, that one last time, my heart clenched so tight. The man who captured my soul and became my greatest friend, who had professed his love and life to me, was in front of me. The man who was so powerful and commanding was falling apart in front of me, as he slowly understood what it was I was about to do. And for a split second, I was afraid I was making the wrong choice.
“I came to say good-bye, but I couldn’t do it.” My hands rose to my face and wiped away hair that was sticking to me from the rain and wind.
“You know what that means, right? It means you love me. You can’t say good-bye.” He took a step toward me, placing his hands in mine.
I quickly pulled my hands away from his, afraid if I let him touch me I wouldn’t be able to pull away.
“No, Asher. You have it all wrong. I don’t love you. I never did.” I waited a second for my words to set in. “You have been an amazing friend to me. You showed me there is more to my life, that I don’t need to settle. You make my life make sense. For me that means I needed to meet you to know exactly what I want.”
“What do you want?” His face twisted in discomfort.
“I want my family. I love my husband. I love Gabriel.”
His body stands straight, and he puts on his affront. “But I told you I loved you.” His words are pained.
“Yes, you love me as much as I love you.” I place my hand on his shoulder. “But it’s not the love you deserve. You don’t want to marry me. You don’t want to have children with me. You deserve so much more, and you will get it. I think for the first time in your life, you’re ready for it. Now you just need to meet the right person. Some day you will meet her and you’ll let her know who the real Alexander Asher is. I only skimmed the surface. There is so much more you’re willing to give. You just have to find the one to give it to.”
Asher stood in front of me, soaked from head to toe. The commanding man who always got what he wanted was truly nothing more than just that, a man. “I told you I always get what I want.”
He does. He did. But…
“Not this time.”
Asher shook his head and looked almost pained. He always marveled that I was the one who told it like it was. And, with him, I could. I found my voice again with him. I discovered who I was, who the new Kathryn is.
He reached for my hand, and this time, I let him. I wasn’t afraid anymore.
“I’ll never forget you.”
I smiled right back. “I will hold you in my heart forever.”
Taking my hand back, I turned to head toward the subway, but Asher called out, “Take the car. Devon will take you where you have to go.”
My body is soaked and there’s no way I’ll hail a cab. Even still, I can’t take his car. “No, this is something I have to do on my own.”
And I left. Leaving the beautiful, exotic, successful, philanthropic man who had more to give than I would ever deserve on a street corner in the rain.
My heart leaps when I see them. My two men, holding hands, walking down the dock toward me with their navy eyes and wavy, dark hair. They are twins.
“Let’s go get Mommy!” Gabriel says to Jackson, and the two run down the dock toward me.
My nerves catch up to me. I hate when he lets Jackson run on the dock. Especially since he’s not wearing his life jacket.