Stella humphed. “See that you do. She needs her yearly next week.” She turned on her boots and walked off.
“I have to admit, it is fun watching you trying to get out of the dog house. I think Stella was willing to feed Butch there before she fed you,” James needled his brother.
“This job gets harder and harder.” Noah’s frown was so adorable she wanted to kiss him right between his eyebrows.
And then she thought about that damn flower. Had it been Serena or someone else? Was she going crazy? She’d even wondered about Cade and Jesse. They had shown up in town right around the time she’d started to see signs of Christian. Christian always had a few attractive male followers. She hadn’t thought about it before, but now she could see that those men were most likely in on Christian’s criminal activities. The men who surrounded Christian were always strong and good at bringing in dumb, unsuspecting females. The new mechanics fit the bill. It would have been easy for one of them to slip out the door and leave the flower.
She shook her head. But how would they know? Christian was dead. If one of his followers wanted revenge on her, they wouldn’t do it by reminding her of the intimate moments of her marriage.
“Hope, you with us?” James asked.
She forced herself to focus. “Of course. I was just thinking about how we’re going to rehab Noah’s image without giving away his income for the next twenty years.”
Noah practically pouted. “I could run through town and let everyone throw shit at me.”
“Or you could take a booth at the festival and offer free vaccinations.” Hope warmed to the idea. “It would give everyone a chance to talk to you again in a professional way. Oh, and I can bake homemade dog treats.”
Noah shuddered. “You want me to work Woo Woo Fest? Damn, Hope, you drive a hard bargain.”
“I want you to work the Festival of Spiritual Renewal. And you know I’m right. We’ll print up some business cards, and Butch can be our mascot. I’ll help out.” She’d never worked with animals before. It sounded like fun. She’d lived in an apartment throughout her childhood, and her mother hadn’t wanted to pay a pet deposit. Christian hadn’t liked animals. He preferred a pristinely clean environment, and dog hair was on his “no” list.
There he was again.
“I’ll do it.” Noah gave in with a little frown. “But I draw the line at trying to psychically speak to dogs. I’ve been to Woo Woo Fest before, and some of those people think they can talk to their pets. One year a woman tried to convince me her dog was the reincarnated spirit of Marie Antoinette and that was why she had to be fed cake. That woman understood neither history nor the dietary requirements of a Maltese. I swear, Jamie, if I catch you laughing at me, we’re going to have a knock-down, drag-out.”
“Get ready then because I intend to laugh my ass off,” James promised.
They continued to talk, but she was lost in dark thoughts.
She could hear Christian telling her how fragile she was, how pure and innocent. She could smell the incense he would burn at his gatherings when he would talk about God and how man had been cut off from the divine by all his technology.
She’d been an idiot. Barely seventeen and she’d thought she’d understood everything. She’d joined Christian’s little commune because it seemed happy and safe, and Christian Grady had been the kindest, most spiritual man she’d ever met. She’d been over the moon when he’d looked her way. How could a man who was so smart, so beautiful and wise, ever want her?
She wanted a drink. It would be so easy to walk over to Trio and order a vodka and cranberry juice. No one knew she had a problem. She’d kept it hidden. Trev was the only person besides the Wright-Hollister clan who knew, and he was back at the ranch. Zane wasn’t working at Trio. He was at home with his babies. Alexei would be tending bar, and he would merely garble some English as he passed her whatever she wanted. She could get up and walk out of Stella’s, and Noah and James would probably follow her and join her. They wouldn’t question it. They would just enjoy the party. She could maybe have both of them if they had enough alcohol to overcome all the obstacles.
She could forget for a little while. The liquor would turn off the images and voices in her head.
She clenched her fists. She couldn’t even go to a meeting now. She didn’t have a car. Her sponsor was gone. She could call Trev, but that seemed like a very bad idea now. He was James’s partner. He was too close to her real life.
Real life? Hah. She didn’t have one. She had a bunch of crap she’d made up because she didn’t want all these nice people to know the real her.
“Hope, snap out of it.” Noah’s voice broke through her inner monologue. He was using that same deep voice he’d used when he’d found her crying on the side of the road.
“What?” She forced herself to focus on him.
Noah’s fingers drummed impatiently along the tabletop. “I’ve asked you the same question three times now.”
“I’m sorry. What did you ask?” How long had she been sitting here thinking about a drink?
“I no longer care about whether you’ve seen the movie that’s on at the motel. I now care about what’s bothering you. You didn’t even notice when Jamie got up and left the table.”
James was gone? She hadn’t even noticed when James had slid out of the booth. “Where did he go?”
“He caught sight of the preacher from the Feed Store Church. He wanted to ask him about how he can get organic alfalfa and just how many sermons he’s going to have to sit through to get a ten percent discount.” Noah leaned forward. “Now start talking, Hope.”
It was too much. The flower. Seeing someone who looked like Christian. The phone calls. It was too much. The walls were closing in on her.
“I’m still just a bit tired. Maybe I should go and see Caleb again.” Anything to get out from under Noah’s suspicious eyes. She could already feel her skin flush with heat. She would start to sweat soon. Her heart rate was speeding up as she felt the walls closing in. Anxiety attack. She hadn’t had one in almost a year, but it was creeping up on her now.
She couldn’t do this here. She couldn’t freak out. She needed to get someplace quiet where she could ride it out.
She stood up abruptly, her knees hitting the table with a painful thud. “I’ll be back.”
She wouldn’t. She would find someplace else to stay. She couldn’t handle them. She could stay with Lucy. Lucy wouldn’t ask too many questions. Lucy would just be happy for the company. Lucy wouldn’t push and probe and try to figure her out. She wouldn’t watch her every minute of the day. Yes, she would call Lucy.
Hope pushed out of the doors of Stella’s and walked past Butch, who was sitting on the sidewalk waiting patiently for his master. Tears blurred her eyes. She liked the dog. She liked his master. She’d loved the way it had felt to sleep between Noah and James, but she couldn’t do it again. She’d felt safe, and she wasn’t. She wasn’t safe because she didn’t deserve safety. Not after the things she’d done.
Without really thinking about where she was going, she found the stairs that led to her small efficiency. She pulled her keys out of her purse, ignoring the smell of smoke. It wasn’t that bad, she decided. Maybe she could just stay here. It wasn’t much. The furniture had been here when she’d moved in. Jennifer Waters had left everything behind, including the dishes and cookware, when she’d left for Dallas. When she’d returned to Bliss, she’d married Stefan Talbot and had no interest in her former apartment.
All she really had were her clothes, some books, and a framed picture of her and Nate and Logan taken a year before.
She had nothing. She was twenty-seven years old, and she had nothing. And she never would.