And as we all stared into the face of the old bulldog, suddenly another familiar face hove into view: Clarice!
“What are you waiting for?” she said. “The bus? Get out of there already, will you? Move it!”
We didn’t need to be told twice, and jumped out of the burning couch as fast as our legs could carry us!
And as we looked back, we saw that it wasn’t just the couch that was on fire, but the carpet, too, and even one of those nice piecrust tables Marge is so fond of.
“Now let’s put out this fire,” said Clarice, proving herself a great fire chief.
“And how are we supposed to do that?” asked Harriet.
“Just follow my lead,” said Clarice, and started to pee on the flames!
“I can do that,” said Brutus, and took up position next to Clarice and started relieving himself.
Now I can tell you that cats are smallish animals, and our bladders are equally limited in size, as is the contents they can hold. So our urinary contributions didn’t do much to fight those flames. It actually took that big bulldog Rambo to really make a difference. Whereas our little trickles had merely made that fire laugh in our faces, once Rambo opened the floodgates, those same belligerent flames didn’t stand a chance!
And so by the time a car pulled up outside, and moments later the entire family Poole came charging in, what they found were the smoldering remnants of a couch, a carpet and a piecrust table and five cats and a dog performing a victory lap.
“What’s that smell?” asked Gran. “Like a combination of smoke and… cat pee.”
“And dog pee!” I cried. “Don’t forget about all that beautiful, beautiful dog pee!”
And I reciprocated Rambo’s high five with an even higher five of my own.
Chapter 42
“Wha-what happened?” Tex said as he took in the devastation of his once immaculate front room.
“Dudley did this,” said Max. “He tried to set us on fire—again. But not before he stole your goatherd figurine—the one you glued back together—and your gnome painting.”
Odelia dutifully translated Max’s words for those unable to understand him, drawing gasps of shock from Uncle Alec, Charlene and of course her dad.
“My son did this?” asked Dad, flabbergasted.
“Um, Tex,” said Uncle Alec, placing a large hand on Odelia’s dad’s shoulder. “I just got a text from Abe Cornwall. I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but I had the lab run a DNA test and the result came back negative. Which means that Dudley… he isn’t yours, buddy.”
“About that,” said Dad, giving his brother-in-law a very stern look. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you. I mean, doing a DNA test behind my back— Wait, what did you just say?”
“Dudley Checkers? He’s not yours.”
“Dudley isn’t my son?!” Dad cried, staggering a little.
“I knew it!” said Gran.
“But… he looks just like me! My spitting image!”
“No, he doesn’t,” said Mom, who was recovering fast from her attack of food poisoning.
“Oh, and one other thing,” said Max. “Rambo saw Dudley put something in Marge’s milk. And I saw him receive a suspicious package just before. So I think it’s safe to say that Dudley tried to kill Marge.”
“What?!” Marge cried. She turned to her husband. “Your son tried to poison me!”
“He’s not my son,” said Dad defensively.
“I knew it!” Gran repeated.
“And Clarice saw how Dudley tripped up Tex and made him knock his head against the kitchen table,” Harriet said now.
“And I’m pretty sure he probably was to blame for those other accidents, too,” said Max.
“We put out the fire with our pee,” Dooley announced happily. “Though Rambo peed the most.”
“This is too much,” said Gran, shaking her head. “And all under the nose of my watch.” She pointed a finger at her son-in-law. “Your son tricked my watch, Tex! He tricked us!”
“He’s not my son!” said Dad.
“So where is he?” asked Uncle Alec. “We need to stop him before he leaves town.”
“I don’t know,” said Max. “He set us on fire and then he skedaddled.”
Odelia faithfully played translator again, causing her uncle and her boyfriend to share a look of concern.
And then they both sprang into action, grabbing their respective phones and hurrying out of the house to see if they couldn’t catch up with Dudley.
“Oh, no, you don’t,” said Gran, and took out her phone, too. “The watch will catch him!” And then she was off, too.
Odelia cast a glance at her cats and their guard dog and they all gave her a nod of agreement.
“We’ll catch him,” Max announced.
Odelia then crouched down next to Clarice. “I’m so sorry, honey,” she said. “I guess I allowed myself to be bamboozled by Dudley, too. Can you ever forgive me?”
Clarice gave her a cold look. “Forgive you? Maybe. But I’ll never forget.” But then she grinned, and said, “Of course I’ll forgive you, Odelia. And now let’s get the bastard!”
So while Mom and Dad surveyed the devastation that Dudley’s actions had caused to the house, three teams started what is commonly termed a dragnet: the police department, led by Uncle Alec and Chase, the local neighborhood watch, led by Gran, and a troupe of cats, led by… no one in particular.
“He can’t have gotten far,” said Odelia as she glanced up and down the street.
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” said Max. “He arrived in a cab, and I’m pretty sure he kept the cab waiting, so he’s probably on his way to New York by now, or wherever he’s going.”
Odelia nodded, and got busy calling the different cab companies that covered Hampton Cove. She got lucky with the third one, but unlucky in that she didn’t have her pickup, but lucky again when her grandmother came driving up, Scarlett riding shotgun. Gran rolled down the window and yelled, “Wanna ride with the watch, honey?”
“I thought you’d never ask,” said Odelia, and soon she was filing into the car, followed by five cats and one dog, causing Scarlett to screw up her face and yell, “So smelly!”
But then Gran put her foot down on the accelerator and they were all thrown back against the seats.
“Where are we going?” asked Gran after a moment.
“He’s heading to New York,” Odelia said. “In a cab. And I’ve got the cab’s number.”
“Better tell your uncle,” said Gran. “So he can call the cab company and tell the cab driver that he’s got a fugitive in the back of his cab.”
So Odelia did as she was told, and as they took the on-ramp to I-495, the Long Island Expressway, suddenly two squad cars joined them: one was Chase’s, the other one Uncle Alec’s, and so now the three teams were organizing a joint pursuit.
“I like this,” said Brutus. “Almost like being in an action movie.”
“My money is on your grandmother,” said Clarice. “She clearly got the skills.”
Odelia didn’t think her gran had the skills, but what she certainly had was a lack of respect for the rules and regulations covering road safety, which gave her the edge.
And as they were zooming along the road, Odelia did some quick thinking. “So if Dudley tried to kill Mom, and Dad, and you, Gran—and me, with that car crash… he must have had a reason, right? And seeing as he left the hospital and packed his bags the moment Charlene announced that the mall project was scrapped, I’m assuming it must have had something do with those millions he thought Mom and Dad were coming into.”
“So he sweet-talked his way into our family,” said Gran. “And tried to get rid of us one by one, hoping to lay his hands on that money?”
“That’s what it looks like.”
“The bastard,” said Scarlett. “Wait till I get my hands on that rotten kid.”
“No, wait till I get my hands on that no-good kid,” growled Gran.
“Let’s just try to catch him first, shall we?” Odelia suggested. “And not get ourselves killed in the process—Gran, watch it!” she added when Gran practically rear-ended a truck she apparently felt should get out of her flight path.