“So you see?” said Kingman, stifling a yawn. “Nothing to worry about. Now what I would advise you to look into is this business with your human’s uncle and Mayor Butterwick.”
“What about them?” I asked. Now that my own worries were allayed to some extent, I was open to listen to someone else’s woes for a change and maybe try to find a solution.
“They keep sneaking off together. People say to their love nest. Neglecting their duties. It wouldn’t surprise me if calls wouldn’t start going out for the Mayor to be replaced and your Uncle Alec, too. They’re not exactly making themselves popular lately.”
I nodded. “The article,” I said sagely.
“Tip of the iceberg, Max. There’s a lot of resentment, and people are talking, and even though they have their fans, they have their enemies too. And plenty of them.”
This didn’t sound good. In fact it sounded like something I didn’t associate with either Uncle Alec or Charlene. But when I told Kingman that they were both conscientious people and consummate professionals, he shrugged and said, “You can never tell. People will surprise you every time, and not always in a good way. Now take my Wilbur for instance. I know he’s not exactly a Casanova but did you know he spends every waking hour on those dating apps? Yep, Wilbur is looking for love. He’s looking for Mrs. Right.”
We all glanced up at Wilbur. His jaw, missing more than one tooth, was moving wordlessly as he watched a barely-clad model demonstrating a Stairmaster on the Home Shopping Network and he almost fell off his chair laughing when she fell off her machine. Crumbs flecked his beard, and his hair looked as if it had been washed in burger grease.
Yup, whoever landed Wilbur was one lucky lady.
Chapter 35
Jerry Vale was brooding again. Even though he’d sworn not to stage another escape attempt after the previous one had so gloriously backfired, he couldn’t help the way his brain worked. And his brain wanted freedom, and so did the rest of him. And he’d just had another brainwave and was about to convey his latest scheme to his partner in crime, when the cop in charge of keeping sure the prisoners were safely ensconced inside their cells at all times came ambling up in his customary good-natured way, and announced that Jerry had a visitor.
“A visitor!” Jerry cried, springing up from his perch.
“Yeah, I was as surprised as you are,” said the cop. “And a good-looking dame, too. Your sister, I presume?”
“I don’t have a sister, you moron,” he said, causing the sunny demeanor of the cop to lessen to a certain degree. Clearly the man hadn’t forgotten being beaned over the head.
“Less of that, Vale. Now do you want to see your visitor or not? If you do, I suggest you behave.” And he raised a menacing eyebrow to emphasize his words.
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll behave,” said Jerry, craning his neck to see past the cop and catch a glimpse of this surprise visitor.
“Do you have a visitor, Jer?” asked Johnny from his own bunk.
“Yeah, looks like,” said Jerry.
“Who is it?” asked the gentle giant.
“How should I know? That idiot cop thinks it’s my sister.”
“But you don’t have a sister, Jer.”
“Oh? Is that a fact? Gee, I didn’t know. Of course I don’t have a sister, you numnuts!”
“Still the charmer, I see?” suddenly a woman’s voice spoke from the other side of the metal bars.
“Marlene!” Jerry cried out, as surprised as he was pleased to see his better half suddenly move into view. “What are you doing here?”
“That’s what I keep asking myself, but here I am.” Marlene, a handsome woman, slim and exceedingly tan with plenty of makeup and short blond hair, narrowed her eyes at her former husband. “You lost weight, Jer.”
“Prison life doesn’t become me,” he said ruefully.
“Is it true you spent a couple of weeks in Mexico before they shipped your ass back to the States?”
“We were in Tulum, Marlene,” said Johnny, smiling his goofy smile.
“Hi, Johnny. Living la vida loca, huh?”
“I don’t know about lavi loco but we spent a lot of time on the beach, sipping cocktails and looking at the ladies. Pretty ladies they got down there, isn’t that right, Jer?”
“Shut up, Johnny.”
“Pretty ladies, huh? So all that talk about missing me and wanting to get back together was just talk, is that it?”
“No, it wasn’t,” said Jerry. He directed a pleading look at his ex-wife. “I miss you, sweetie. When are you going to forgive me?”
“How about never?” she suggested tartly.
“There was one Mexican lady who kept pouring us tequila, isn’t that right, Jer? I think she took a shine to you.”
“Shut. Up,” said Jerry through gritted teeth.
“Look, I didn’t come here to listen to your travel itinerary,” said Marlene. “I heard that you stole a Picasso and a ton of gold. Is that true?”
“No, it’s not,” said Jerry. “We’re innocent, Marlene—you gotta believe me.”
She frowned. “No gold?”
“No gold.”
She chewed on that for a moment. “Jewelry?” she suggested.
“No jewelry.”
“Diamonds? Necklaces? Furs? Anything?”
“Look, this time we’re actually innocent,” said Jerry. “Isn’t that right, Johnny?”
“Yeah, we found religion,” said Johnny, folding his hands like the elders at Kingdom Hall had taught him. “We’re reformed now, Marlene. The life of crime is behind us.”
“Too bad,” said Marlene. “When I read about that gold, I figured…” She made an airy gesture. “Eh, it doesn’t matter. It was nice to see you again, Jer. Take care of yourself.”
“You’re not going already, are you?” asked Jerry, much perturbed. “You just got here!”
“And now I’m going. See you, Johnny. Bye bye, Jer.”
And with these words, she effectively stalked off, her high heels tapping on the polished concrete floor, the sound growing fainter as she went.
Jerry yelled after her, “So when are we getting back together?”
“Never!” her voice echoed. Then a door slammed and she was gone.
Jerry sank down onto his bunk again, more distraught than ever.
“I think she was disappointed we didn’t steal no gold, Jer,” said Johnny.
“You know, Johnny? I’m starting to wish that we had stolen that gold.”
“But we can’t, Jer. We’re on the straight and narrow now. We’re reformed.”
“I gotta accept that my marriage is over,” said Jerry sadly.
“I thought it was over last year?”
“Oh, shut up, will you? I need to think.”
And soon he was deep in thought again. It stood to reason that the only way to convince Marlene to give their marriage another shot was to wear her down. Talk to her like he’d never talked before. But how could he do that when he was locked up?
So he had to get out and he had to get out pronto.
And this time he was going to come up with a plan that was foolproof.
Chapter 36
“We have to convince her, Dooley,” I said.
“I know,” he said.
“This is now a matter of life and death.”
“I know!”
We’d arrived at Odelia’s office and both took a deep breath. We were entering the kind of negotiation that was going to determine our future, and we needed to strike the right note from the start, just like a hostage negotiator would. For that was what we were: hostages of the crazy wiles of those cat-hating sisters Blanche and Bella Trainor.
So we set paw inside the Gazette building and made a beeline for Odelia’s office.
She looked up when we entered. “Did you know that an insurance agency by the name of Johnson and Johnson has been named in one of the biggest fraud cases this town has ever seen?” she asked.
“No, I didn’t know that,” I said.