I opened one eye and saw that Harriet had drifted into the room.
“Hey, Harriet. How’s things?”
“Things are lousy. You just solved my case without me! You actually went around my back and solved my case!”
“Hey, I just had one of my famous hunches. You can’t blame me for being brilliant.”
She seemed really fired up, for she was pacing the room, her face all scrunched up in an expression of extreme upset. “This was my case, Max. My case. I was going to solve it.”
“By surfing the web. Riiiight,” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
“It’s the new way! The modern way.”
“Solving a murder case without leaving the house? That’s just ridiculous!”
“No, it’s not. Hercule Poirot solved murder cases just by letting his little gray cells do all the work. And he didn’t even have a computer!”
“He had that gumshoe, that Hastings guy to do all the legwork for him,” I reminded her. Which actually wasn’t such a bad idea. Maybe next case I could get Dooley to do all the walking around—which is kinda exhausting, you have to admit, not to mention tedious—and then I’d simply put two and two together and come up with a brilliant solution. Just like that pint-sized Belgian detective!
Brutus had also joined us and was sticking his nose in the air and sniffing. “Cat Snax?” he asked.
“Yup. My reward for cracking another case.”
He grimaced. “Good for you, Max. Though I wouldn’t advertise the fact too much. Harriet’s been sore as a gumboil ever since she found out.”
Harriet, who’d disappeared into the kitchen, now returned, and Brutus was right. She was sore as a gumboil. Maybe even sorer. Like two gumboils. “I can’t believe Odelia let you skip your diet!” she cried. “Cat Snax? Really? You should be ashamed of yourself!”
I wasn’t following. “Ashamed of myself for cracking this case?”
“No, for manipulating Odelia into letting you cheat on your diet.”
“It’s my reward. I did the work and now I deserve a reward.”
“Don’t you see that you’re endangering yourself with this morbid obesity you’re pushing for, Max?”
“Hey, who are you calling morbidly obese?”
“You, Max. You are morbidly obese.”
“And you are jealous I cracked the case and you didn’t.”
“You only think about yourself, don’t you? Huh?”
“Who else is there to think about?” I asked, puzzled.
“He’s got a point, toots,” said Brutus.
She turned on him in a flash. “Oh, now you’re taking his side?”
“No, but…”
“You men! You’re all the same! Never a thought about anyone but yourselves! Have you ever considered Odelia’s feelings, Max?”
“Um…”
“How devastated she’s going to be when you die?”
“Well, I don’t intend to die anytime soon, so the point is moot.”
Dooley, who’d followed the back-and-forth with mild interest, laughed. “Moot. Funny word.”
“The way you’re going, you are going to die soon, Max. And Odelia is going to be crushed. For some reason—Lord only knows why—she seems to care about you, and the loss will be a blow.”
I thought about this. Maybe Harriet was right. If I died—which was a very big if, mind you—Odelia wouldn’t take the news well. She did like me a lot. And what was not to like? I’m funny, charming, handsome, clever and I provide great entertainment.
“Look, I’m not going to die, Harriet,” I said. “So you can stop with all the scaremongering. I know you’re jealous because I cracked another case and you’ll say just about anything to upset me but it’s not going to work.”
“Good one, bro,” Brutus muttered.
I glanced over. Weird. Brutus was taking my side now? This was something new.
“Well, I’ll have you know that if you keep digging your grave with your teeth the way you’ve been doing for some time now you’ll be dead within a year. Probably even less. So there.”
“Is she right, Max?” asked Dooley. “Are you going to die soon?”
“Of course I’m not going to die! I’m far too young to die!”
“Not if you keep eating those Cat Snax,” said Harriet. “That stuff will kill you.”
“Pretty tasty, though,” Brutus muttered, refusing to meet Harriet’s gaze.
“And the same goes for you, Brutus,” said Harriet. “If you can’t stick to your diet we’re finished. Kaput. The end.”
He directed a pleading look at her. “Come on, babe. I’m not as fat as Max. Just look at us. He’s a lot fatter than me. He’s at least twice my size.”
“That’s because he’s a different body type,” she snapped.
Brutus lifted his face to me, the look of a long-suffering cat in his eyes. ‘See what I’m dealing with here?’ the look seemed to say. ‘You’re not the only cat who’s in pain.’
And then I got it. For some reason, Harriet had put her beau on a diet. And knowing Brutus as a great trenchercat, one whose jaws never seemed to stop mauling some little morsel or snack, he was probably in his own private hell right now. And since misery loves company, he was obviously looking upon me as a friend. A fellow sufferer of this diet craze.
“Brutus,” Harriet said as she headed for the door. “Are you coming?”
Brutus directed a longing look at the kitchen, where my bowl of Cat Snax stood.
“Brutus! I’m not going to tell you twice!”
The former bully hung his head and shuffled out the door, his proud spirit broken.
“You know? I’m actually feeling sorry for the guy,” said Dooley, watching him leave.
“Me too. Who would have thought Harriet could turn into the cat from hell?”
“I did,” Dooley said ruefully. “She once accused me of being a spineless yellow-belly.”
“But why?”
“For not standing up to you more.”
“To me!”
He nodded. “She figured you treated me more like a slave than a friend sometimes, and told me to rise up and not take any more of your crap.”
“Why, the little minx! Trying to drive a wedge through our friendship!”
“You have been kind of insufferable lately, though, Max. So maybe Harriet had a point.”
“Insufferable? Me? Are you crazy?!”
Dooley winced. “I think it’s the diet. It makes you cranky.”
“I’m never cranky! I’m the picture of equanimity and poise!”
“I don’t know what that means, but you have to admit you have a pretty short fuse these days. I love you, Max, but it’s tough being your friend when you’re hungry.”
I thought about this. Maybe Dooley was right. I did get pretty cranky when I was hungry, and I did have a tendency to take it out on others. I gave him a rueful look. “I’m sorry, buddy. I guess you’re right. I don’t like feeling hungry, but I shouldn’t take it out on you.”
“That’s all right. I don’t like being hungry either. I guess none of us do.”
I plunked my head down on my paws. “I know one thing, Dooley.”
“What’s that?”
“Dieting sucks.”
“Well, at least the case is solved. I’m sure Odelia will lighten up now.”
“Yeah, at least there’s that.”
From beyond our garden, Harriet’s high-pitched voice reached our ears.
“Brutus! I told you not to eat that mouse!”
“But I like mice!” Brutus said plaintively. “They’re full of proteins.”
“Too many saturated fats! Now come along. Time for our power walk. Work off that fat!”
I shared a look with Dooley, and we both shook our heads. “Poor Brutus,” I said.
Chapter 26
“I can’t believe she’s dead,” Zelda wailed. The effect of whatever she’d been on had worn off by now, and she finally seemed to realize what she’d done.
Chase and Odelia were sitting across the table from the actress, whose hands were shackled down. Odelia directed a pleading look at Chase, who took the keys to her cuffs out of his pocket and released the woman.
“She was my best friend!” Zelda continued to wail, gratefully accepting the box of tissues Odelia placed in front of her.