“Uh-huh.”
“Now all of those cats will be equipped with smart collars—audio and video included—sending their data back to a database where it’s all collected and analyzed and sent to our app, courtesy of Kevin.”
“Oh… kay,” said Scarlett, sounding dubious about her grandnephew’s capacity to build such an amazing app, but still prepared to give the plan the benefit of the doubt.
“So then the system automatically comes up with the threats that need to be addressed: burglaries in progress, domestic disputes, drunks tearing up the neighborhood, vandals spraying graffiti on town hall… what have you.”
“Car thieves breaking into cars, jealous men keying their neighbors’ new Jaguar,” said Scarlett, getting the gist of the thing.
“Exactly! And that information is then automatically sent to us, and either we go after the criminals, or we liaise with the police and they send a couple of officers to deal with the crime, while it isstill in progress,” she said, stressing this last part by pounding the table with a bony fist, making her hot chocolate drink and Scarlett’s cappuccino jump merrily up and down to the beat of Gran’s pretty excitement.
“That all sounds wonderful,” said Scarlett. “But I’m not sure how feasible it is.”
“It’s perfectly feasible. On one condition and one condition only.”
“And what is that?”
“That the people handling the data are well-versed in the feline language. I mean, how else are they going to be able to interpret what all of those thousands of cats are saying?”
“Oh,” said Scarlett, and her face sagged.
“What?”
“You know I can’t talk cat, honey.”
“Yes, I know that, but there’s no reason why you can’t learn.”
Scarlett frowned.“You mean…”
“Exactly! With my help, and the assistance of my four precious darlings here, I’m sure you’ll be able to pick up the language in no time. And then it’s simply a matter of taking turns manning GHQ and coordinating the whole thing.”
“Oh, I would love to learn their language,” said Scarlett, giving me a pat on the head, which I responded to by giving her a soft purr in return. I like Scarlett, always have, even when she and Gran were archenemies and fought tooth and nail at every opportunity.
“I’ll teach her, Gran,” said Harriet. “After all, this was my idea in the first place.”
“I know it was your idea, Harriet,” said Gran, giving the prissy Persian a tickle under her chin. “And definitely one of your better ones.”
“You really think so?”
“Of course! We could wipe out crime in the whole country if we get this thing rolling.”
“Wouldn’t that be nice,” said Dooley. “No more crime anywhere.”
“It would also mean that there wouldn’t be cops anymore,” Brutus pointed out, “which would mean that Chase and Uncle Alec would be out of a job.”
“I doubt it,” said Harriet. “There will still have to be cops to respond to the tips they receive from the Neighborhood Cat Watch.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Brutus admitted.
“Crime will only disappear as long as we remain vigilant, sugar pants. Those criminals will always be criminals, and they’ll still want to engage in their acts of criminal activity. It’s us who will stand in their way, and so vigilance is key.” She turned to Gran. “Did you mention something about us becoming millionaires, Gran?”
“Well, as soon as the app is working the way it should, we’ll get a lot of attention. And you know what that means, right?”
“That… I’ll need to have new pictures taken?”
“That the big boys will fall over each other to buy us out! Google, Microsoft, Facebook—they’ll stand in line with their checkbooks, offering us millions for the app. There will be a bidding war, because let’s face it—who doesn’t want to get rid of crime? In fact it wouldn’t surprise me, when the dust settles, that we’ll make a hundred million dollars.”
“A hundred million dollars!” Harriet cried.
“At the very least!”
“How many nuggets of kibble is that?” asked Brutus.
I could already see the dollar signs flashing in Harriet’s eyes, and even though I could have told her there were major flaws in Gran’s plan, I knew she wouldn’t be susceptible to my counter-arguments, so I wisely conserved my energy and kept my tongue.
“Okay, but so first things first,” said Gran. “Scarlett, you need to talk to Kevin, and tell him to start working on that app. Also, you need to sit down with Harriet and start learning the language.”
“Oh, goodie,” said Scarlett, as she high-fived Harriet at this point. Okay, so maybe it was a low-five. Cats are, after all, vertically challenged when compared with humans.
And since it seemed clear that our presence was no longer required, Dooley and I took our leave. Harriet might be getting ready to become a multimillionaire, but we had a blackmailer to catch, and frankly that seemed more important than Gran’s elusive app.
Chapter 5
“Do you think that Scarlett will be able to learn our language, Max?” asked Dooley.
“Somehow I doubt it, Dooley,” I said.
“Why? Don’t you think she’s clever enough?”
“Oh, I think she’s certainly clever enough, but my impression has always been that being able to talk to cats is a gift, not something that can be taught.” A gift passed along the female line, otherwise Uncle Alec would have been able to talk to us as well.
“So that means that Gran and Harriet’s plan is a bust?”
“Not necessarily. It is true that if you outfit a cat with a camera and a microphone, they’ll be able to pick up certain things, but unless they’re trained to pay attention to criminal activity, what they’ll pick up is simply the kinds of things cats are naturally interested in: what birds are tootling in the trees, or a piece of fish filet someone left on the windowsill to cool off. And those things aren’t necessarily indicative of a crime.”
“If the cat steals the fish filet it is a crime,” said Dooley.
I smiled.“Yeah, but I don’t think it’s the kind of crime that will make Gran a multimillionaire.”
We’d arrived at the General Store, where our friend Kingman likes to hold forth in front of the store. His human Wilbur was behind the counter as usual, scanning the wares as they passed him by on the conveyor belt, meanwhile keeping an eye on the television screen, where an old black-and-white episode of Zorro was playing.
“Hey, you guys,” said Kingman when we came trudging up. “How are things in the world of crime?”
“Not too good,” I said. “A woman just walked into Odelia’s office hoping to get rid of a blackmailer.”
“A blackmailer, huh?” said Kingman. “Nasty business, blackmail.”
“Yeah, especially since a blackmailer never stops, unless the big secret is out in the open, and that’s exactly what this woman can’t afford.”
“So who’s the woman, and what is her secret?”
And so in a few short words I told him the story as Rosa had conveyed it to Odelia.
“Five million bucks. I can understand why she wants to keep it a secret. Though if I’m being totally honest, my suggestion would be to stop worrying about the secret, and catch that blackmailer before he makes any more victims.”
“But what about her future? And the future of her kids?”
“Look, her husband already knows, so from that side she will get all the support she needs. And the kids are nine years older now, and probably not as vulnerable as they used to be. And frankly I don’t think people will care that much. It’s all ancient history now. And also, it didn’t happen here, and you know how people don’t care a hoot about what happens elsewhere. And thirdly, she didn’t do anything wrong, if I understood you correctly. It’s the ex-husband who committed a crime, so why should she and her kids suffer?”
“Good points,” I said, nodding. “I hadn’t thought of it that way.”