ôBut I want chicken!ö Tex cried. ôAnd steak. And ribs. And sausage!ö And to show us he wasnÆt lying, he didnÆt bother with the knife, but simply bit off a huge chunk of sausage and chomped down like a man wrecked on some desert island who hasnÆt eaten for days.
Just then, another person arrived on the scene. It was Gran, and when she caught sight of Tex, taking another big bite out of that sausage, her face took on a grim look.ôTex Poole!ö she cried, planting her hands on her bony hips. ôWhat did I tell you about eating meat!ö
ôThat itÆs bad for me?ö asked Tex sheepishly.
ôVery bad,ö said Gran. ôBoth for your health and for the environment. Spit it out!ö She held a hand in front of her son-in-lawÆs face and we watched as Tex reluctantly spat out the half-chewed sausage into her hand. She then disposed of it and gave Odelia a nasty look. ôAnd you!ö she said, pointing a finger at her granddaughter, ôshould know better than to aid and abet a known meat addict!ö
Odelia and Chase shared a look of surprise, but before they could respond, Gran was already stomping back to the door, a sad-looking Tex in her wake.ôIÆve got a nice breakfast for you, Tex,ö Gran was saying. ôFully plant-based and filled with all of the necessary nutrients and vitamins, and none of those awful toxins that you only find in meat products.ö And after lobbing a warning look in our direction, she walked out.
ôPoor Dad,ö said Odelia once the coast was clear again.
ôYeah, and poor us,ö said Chase. ôCause knowing your grandmother, she wonÆt stop until sheÆs converted this entire town into vegetarianism.ö
ôMaybe I should have put that mouse on TexÆs pillow,ö Dooley suggested. ôI have a feeling heÆs going to need it.ö
ôPlease donÆt put any mice on anyoneÆs pillow, Dooley,ö I said. ôWhatever the Discovery Channel says, itÆs not a good idea.ö
ôBut itÆs my USP, Max,ö he said. ôIn fact itÆs the only USP IÆve got!ö
Chapter 5
Breakfast over, Dooley and I ventured outside.ôI just hope Gran wonÆt try and convince us to switch to a plant-based diet,ö I said as we passed through the cat flap. ôItÆs all good and well for humans, but cats are carnivores. We need our bits of meat.ö
ôI donÆt know, Max,ö said Dooley. ôI donÆt think thatÆs necessarily true. When I was holding that mouse in my mouth, I thought about eating it, and I actually felt nauseous.ö
ôThatÆs because weÆre basically spoiled, pampered cats, Dooley. For a cat like Clarice, a nice fat mouse is like a delicacy.ö Then again, our friend Clarice will even eat rats almost as big as she is. She truly is a rare specimen.
Stretched out on the lawn, we found Harriet and Brutus, taking in some of that early morning sun that is so pleasant. The rays were tickling their bellies, and they looked as well-fed as only two pampered, spoiled cats can look. They also looked thoroughly bored, as their next words indicated.
ôWeÆre bored, Max,ö said Harriet, a pretty white Persian. ôDonÆt you have a case for us to solve or something?ö
ôYeah, Maxie baby,ö said Brutus, a butch, black cat, ôa nice juicy murder case is exactly what we need right now.ö
ôI found a dead mouse this morning,ö Dooley announced. ôI put it on OdeliaÆs pillow but she wasnÆt happy.ö
ôThis mouse,ö said Harriet, perking up, ôwas it bludgeoned to death? Poisoned with some obscure poison? Its throat cut? Shot at close range? Or even garroted, maybe?ö
ôNone of the above,ö I said. ôIt probably died of old age.ö
Harriet sank back down again.ôOh,ö she said, quickly losing interest.
ôI donÆt get it,ö said Brutus. ôUsually youÆre knee-deep in some murder investigation, Max. So whatÆs going on, huh? Why isnÆt there some hot suspect youÆre pursuing?ö
ôBecause it isnÆt every day that a murder is committed in this town, Brutus,ö I said. ôAnd a good thing, too. Imagine that people got murdered left, right and center every moment of every day. Hampton Cove would be homicide central and would become uninhabitable.ö
ôTell me thereÆs some case youÆre working on, Max,ö Harriet pleaded. ôAnything!ö
ôNope,ö I said, also resuming a restful position on the lawn. ôNothing at all.ö And actually I liked it that way. I know that people think IÆm some kind of feline sleuth or something, and that IÆm not happy until I can sink my teeth into a case, but in fact that couldnÆt be further from the truth. All I want is to lead a quiet and peaceful life. Eat some kibble, take a nap, spend some time with my friends, eat some kibble, take another napà
In other words: the circle of life.
ôLook, I know weÆve been giving you a hard time,ö Brutus piped up. ôTrying to compete with you and all of that stuff. But IÆm here to tell you that from now on weÆll be good.ö
I frowned at the cat.ôWhat are you talking about?ö
ôIÆm offering you a truce, Max! LetÆs work together, eh?ö
ôI thought we were working together.ö
ôI thought so, too, but itÆs clear to me that youÆre holding out on us.ö He gave me a keen look. ôWhat are you working on right now? A shooting? A stabbing? A hanging? What?!ö
ôNothing!ö I said. ôIÆm not working on anything right now!ö
ôOh, donÆt be like that, Max,ö said Harriet. ôJust tell us!ö
ôYeah, talk to us, buddy. I promise weÆll collaborate.ö
ôAll IÆm working on right now is a nap scheme.ö
ôA nap scheme?ö
ôYes. IÆve been feeling a little weak lately, and itÆs left me wondering if IÆm getting enough sleep. So now IÆm wondering where to squeeze in another couple of hours.ö
Harriet shared a look of concern with her mate.ôHeÆs holding out on us,ö was BrutusÆs conclusion.
ôIÆm not holding out on you!ö
ôLook, Max,ö said Brutus. ôI get it. YouÆre smart. YouÆre clever. In fact youÆre probably some kind of genius. I donÆt know how you do it, cause you donÆt look like a genius. In fact you look more like a big orange blob.ö
ôBlorange blob,ö I muttered.
ôSo youÆve got a brain like Einstein inside a blorange blob body. It happens. I canÆt explain it, but itÆs probably one of those things. Like Cherry Coke or deep-fried butter on a stick. In other words: an anomaly. But IÆm here to tell you that from now on you can count on me and Harriet to do your legwork for you.ö
ôWhat are you talking about?ö I asked.
ôLikeJake and the Fatman? IÆll be Jake and youÆre the Fatman.ö He grinned. ôOr in your case more like the Fatcat.ö
ôI donÆt get it,ö I said, frowning.
He sighed.ôAll great detectives have a loony sidekick,ö he said, gesturing to Dooley, ôbut they also have a team of dicks who hunt down clues, spy on suspects and generally get busy with the rough stuff. And thatÆs where Harriet and I come in: weÆll be your dicks. So you better start talking, buddy, cause this offer is a time-limited one. WeÆre going to help you nail the perp, but only if you put your cards on the table and do it right now.ö
He gave me a warning look that spoke volumes.
Unfortunately, as appealing as his offer was, I had no case to offer him, and when I told him as much, he made a disgusted gesture with his paw.ôYou got a lot to learn, Maxie baby,ö he said finally. ôFor one thing, detective work is a team sport, not a solo venture. So if you donÆt get wise soon, this?ö he said, gesturing between us, ôis over before it started.ö
And so he and Harriet took their leave, presumably to go look for some hot case to pursue, and left me and Dooley to think about their words.
ôAm I a loony sidekick, Max?ö asked Dooley finally.
ôOf course not, buddy,ö I said.
ôIÆm not?ö asked Dooley, alarmed. ôWhy not?ö
I stared at him.ôYou want to be my loony sidekick?ö
ôOf course!ö
ôOkay, then I guess you are.ö
The smile he gave me was something to behold.ôThanks, Max. So maybe thatÆs my USP?ö
ôOf course, Dooley,ö I said, hoping I could finally get some nap time in now.
Chapter 6
As it turned out, my nap time was cut short when Odelia decided she needed us on an assignment in town. It wasnÆt a murder case, or even any kind of case. In fact it was just the kind of thing Odelia is good at: covering an event that is of interest to the general public. Or in other words: the people who buy theHampton Cove Gazette and in so doing pay her bills.