I could tell that Ida hadnÆt responded well to the situation. First to discover that her prince charming is actually an ogre, and then to have that ogre point a gun at her precious darling, her sweet treasure Minnie Mouse, it was clear she was seething with righteous anger. So the moment Mr. March turned the gun in GranÆs direction, Ida didnÆt waste time lallygagging but picked up the first object she could find, which was a large vase that had been languishing on the windowsill, and crashed it down on top of the manÆs head.
For a moment the career criminal stood there, swaying in the breeze like a young sapling experiencing its first storm, and then he fell to earth and knew no more.
ôWell done,ö said Gran, congratulating the other woman.
ôOh, dear,ö said Ida, pressing her precious darling to her sizable bosom. ôI really thought I was a goner this time, Vesta. If it hadnÆt been for you, I donÆt know what I would have done!ö
ôYou could have told him about your many incurable diseases,ö Gran suggested kindly as she inspected the unconscious man. ôScared the living daylights out of him.ö
ôAlways the joker, arenÆt you,ö said Ida tersely. ôSuch a wonderful sense of humor.ö
About a thousand cops converged on the scene now, and if Mr. March had still been conscious he would have been read his rights in no time. Now they had to wait for an ambulance to arrive and make sure he would live to enjoy a renewed sojourn in the pen.
ôGot him!ö said Chase jubilantly.
ôGood job,ö said Odelia, addressing her grandmother.
ôIf you pull another stunt like that,ö said Uncle Alec, ôyouÆre grounded.ö
ôYou canÆt ground me,ö said Gran. ôIÆm your mother!ö
ôWatch me,ö Uncle Alec growled. ôYou almost gave me a heart attack when you stormed forward like that!ö
ôI learned that from Mel,ö said Gran with a smile.
ôWhoÆs Mel?ö asked Chase.
ôBraveheart!ö
ôDidnÆt Mel die in that movie?ö asked Odelia.
ôPoppycock,ö said Gran. ôTrue heroes never die. Oh, and now for the reason I came down here in the first place. I quit.ö
ôQuit?ö asked Uncle Alec. ôWhat do you mean you quit?ö
ôA man just called me a very bad name, and I came here to tell you that IÆm too old to take that kind of abuse, so I quit.ö
ôWhat did you do?ö
ôWhy does everyone immediately assume itÆs my fault!ö But when Uncle Alec fixed her with a steady look, she finally admitted, ôOkay, so maybe I told him that he should put his head in a toilet and flush. But only because he was drunk and abusive!ö
ôOh, Ma,ö said Uncle Alec with a sigh.
ôHe told me I was off my rocker!ö
Uncle Alec hoisted up his pants.ôI accept your resignation,ö he said, and he actually smiled as he spoke these words. ôYou are hereby relieved of your duties. Happy now?ö
ôYou certainly look happy,ö Gran grumbled.
ôThatÆs because we just caught the person responsible for two murders.ö And to show us how grateful he actually was, he shook OdeliaÆs hand, then ChaseÆs hand, and practically went skipping back to his car, overall the picture of a happy chief of police.
Chapter 28
I have to say that even though the investigation was concludedùand with a neat bow tied on top, no lessùI still didnÆt feel entirely satisfied with the way it had been wrapped up. Now you could ascribe this to the fact that I hadnÆt been instrumental in nabbing the killer, and you would be mistaken. It really doesnÆt matter to me who catches the badguyùIÆm not peacockish that way, or even wrapped up in my own sense of self-importance.
No, the thing was that Alec March being billed as Valina Fawn and Norwell KulhanekÆs killer simply didnÆt seem to fit. For one thing, how had the man managed to get a hold of NorwellÆs key card? Though of course he could have gained access to the office at some point during the day, or bumped into Norwell at a coffee shop or gas station. IÆm sure the investigation would bear all this out.
Still, I had a strong sense of unease, which drove me to pay a visit to Kingman, which is usually where my paws take me when IÆm in a quandary.
Dooley accompanied me into town, and soon we found ourselves outside the General Store, where our voluminous piebald friend was sunning himself in front of his humanÆs popular store.
ôHiya, fellas,ö said Kingman. ôPhew, this sun is something else today, isnÆt it?ö He got up lazily. ôIn fact I think IÆm going to lie in the shade for a while. ItÆs definitely getting too hot for my taste.ö
ôToo much sun is bad for your skin,ö said Dooley. ôIt can even cause skin cancer.ö
Kingman gave him a strange look.ôCats are covered in fur, Dooley. The sun canÆt even reach our skin. So I donÆt think weÆre in any danger there.ö
ôThe sun can still reach our ears, Kingman. And our nose. And paw pads. And itÆs exactly those spots that are in grave danger of being affected by the sunÆs death rays.ö
Kingman offered me a grin.ôDeath rays. YouÆd think this is an episode ofStar Trek.ö
ôBut itÆs true!ö Dooley insisted. ôI saw a documentary the other night that said that cats and dogs should watch out for their nekkid bits. Or put sunblock on them.ö
ôImagine that,ö said Kingman, still gripped by his bout of mirth. ôMe asking Wilbur to rub sunblock all over my nekkid bits.ö
ôWell, he should,ö said Dooley. ôAt least if heÆs a responsible pet daddy.ö
ôPet daddy,ö Kingman laughed. ôDooley, you should really consider doing standup.ö
ôI am standing up,ö said Dooley.
ôI know you are, buddy,ö said Kingman. ôBetter take a load off your paws and take a break. I hear you caught that nasty killer?ö
ôYou heard about that?ö I said, much surprised.
ôHey, news travels fast in this town. I heard it from Buster, who heard it from one of FidoÆs clients, who got it from the horseÆs mouthùin this case Ida Baumgartner herself.ö
ôYeah, Ida was in some real danger back there,ö I murmured, as I thought back to those moments fraught with mortal tension.
ôSo why arenÆt you smiling?ö asked Kingman. ôThe bad guy is caught. Three rousing cheers for the good guys, right?ö
ôMax isnÆt sure we got the right bad guy,ö said Dooley.
ôIÆve got this feeling,ö I said.
ôUh-oh,ö said Kingman. ôI know all about that, buddy.ö
ôYou do?ö
ôOh, absolutely. ItÆs like when I dated this girl Eleanor, you know. She was perfect in every possible way. Great legs, cute face, amazing tail, but I donÆt know. Something just didnÆt seem to click. And for the life of me, I just couldnÆt figure out what it was. Until she dumped me for Tiggerùthe plumberÆs cat, and then I knew.ö
ôWhat did you know?ö I asked.
ôI just told you. She dumped me for the plumberÆs cat. ThatÆs what was wrong with her.ö
ôButà you couldnÆt have known that, could you?ö
ôI must have sensed it. And also, she kept asking me about Tigger. So now I figure she used me to get to know Tigger, and once she got her first introduction, she jumped at the chance, if you see what I mean.ö
ôAre Eleanor and Tigger still together?ö asked Dooley, whoÆs a romantic at heart.
ôNah. Tigger introduced her to Shadow, and so she dumped Tigger and hooked up with Shadow. Then Shadow introduced her to his buddy Tom, andà Well, I guess you know what happened next.ö
ôWhere is Eleanor now?ö asked Dooley.
ôNo idea. She skipped town a while back. Guess she ran out of potential hookups.ö He frowned and directed a look of concern at me. ôAre you all right there, buddy? You look like youÆve seen a ghost.ö
ôThe ghost of Eleanor,ö Dooley quipped.
ôNo, itÆs justàö I said, squinting hard.
ôOh, I see whatÆs going on,ö said Kingman. ôYou got one of your brainwaves, havenÆt you?ö
I nodded quietly. I did have a brainwave. Or at least something had clicked, though I still didnÆt fully understand what, or whyùor even who. But KingmanÆs words had definitely brought back a vague memory ofà something. But what was it, exactly?