I’m not saying that in due course I wouldn’t have grown to love and appreciate Charlene, especially since she kept feeding us morsels of the tastiest food I’d eaten in quite a while, but as of this moment I was starting to feel that Gran hadn’t done us a great service by giving us away to her future daughter-in-law.
“I don’t know how much longer I can take this, Max,” said Harriet, clearly of the same opinion. “I mean, Charlene is a great person and all, and the food is just to die for, but honestly? I’d much rather be home right now and eating some of our regular kibble.”
“Me, too,” Brutus grunted. “And the first chance I get I’m staging an escape.”
“Oh, can I come, too, Brutus?” asked Dooley. “I miss my usual spot on the couch.”
“Sure. I think if we’re going to do this, we should all work together.”
“But what is Gran going to say?” I said, still feeling under the obligation to the woman who’d put us there. “She’s not going to like it when Dooley and I blow this assignment simply because we feel homesick.”
“I’m sure she’ll understand,” said Harriet. “After all, she couldn’t possibly have been serious when she handed over ownership to Charlene—or could she?”
We shared a speculative look, then cut a glance to Charlene, who was tossing and turning in her sleep and clearly not having a great night.
“Poor Charlene,” said Harriet. “She’s clearly suffering.”
“We really should be out there looking for Uncle Alec, not in here,” said Brutus.
“All right,” I said finally, having come to a decision. “Gran won’t like it, but that can’t be helped.” I spoke into my collar again. “Gran, if you’re still listening, we’re getting out of here. So no need to come and get us in the morning because we won’t be here. We want to keep looking for Uncle Alec, and we can’t do that being cooped up in here with Charlene.”
“But won’t Charlene be upset if she wakes up in the morning and finds us all gone?” asked Dooley, showing what a considerate cat he really is: even in this, not our finest hour, his thoughts went out to Charlene Butterwick, who wasn’t even our own human.
“I think she’ll understand,” I said.
And so it was decided: we were going to stage the great escape, and bust out of this benign prison cell. Like the proverbial bird in the gilded cage, it was time to find our freedom.
So we tripped down the stairs and into the spacious living room, then started searching for an avenue of escape. We soon discovered it wasn’t going to be as easy as we’d anticipated: as I’ve already indicated Charlene doesn’t believe in the concept of the pet flap, and all the doors and windows were tightly sealed.
“This place is locked up tighter than Fort Knox,” Brutus had to admit after a cursory inspection of the modes of access and egress. “I don’t think we’re going to be able to get out.”
Just then, a fly came buzzing past, and I recognized him as Norm, my airborne buddy.
“Hey, Norm,” I said. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”
“Max!” said Norm, panting a little. “You’re a hard cat to find! I’ve been looking all over the place!”
“Yeah, we got transferred here this morning, and have been pretty much stuck.”
“Um, Mr. Norm?” said Dooley. “Can I ask you a question, please, sir? Is it true that you spread a lot of germs and bacteria and make a lot of people and pets very sick?”
“Now don’t start with that, young cat,” said Norm censoriously. “I can assure you that’s all fake news.”
“Oh,” said Dooley, nodding. “Okay.”
“Flies only spread happiness and good cheer. Now have I got news for you guys!”
“Pray tell,” I said. I frankly could use all the happiness and good cheer I could find.
“So first I followed your Grandma Muffin around for a while. She and Scarlett Canyon are on a mission to prove that Charlene Butterwick is trying to blackmail your Uncle Alec into wedlock.”
“Old news,” said Harriet. “Uncle Alec was kidnapped, and the wedding was announced because the kidnappers demanded it.”
“Oh,” said the fly, slightly taken aback. “Okay. Well, so then I buzzed back to the house and one of your other humans has just won the lottery—only there’s something really strange going on, as they received the winning ticket in the mail.”
“The mail?” I asked with a frown. “You’re right. That is weird.”
“I thought so, too,” said Norm, clearly happy that at least this bit of news was news to us, too. “So then suddenly a television crew showed up on their doorstep, and seemed to know all about their big win, and claimed Madame Solange had predicted it.”
“See?” said Harriet. “We need to pay a visit to Madame Solange. Maybe she’ll help us win the lottery, too.”
“And that’s not all,” said Norm, who was turning out to be a regular fine little sleuth. “Just before I left, Chase got a phone call from a woman named Dolores, claiming that Gran has been arrested, along with Scarlett, for trying to break into Town Hall.”
“What?!” I said, greatly surprised.
“Yeah,” said Norm with satisfaction. “And also, Gran and Scarlett now think that Charlene killed Uncle Alec.”
“Oh, my God,” Harriet muttered.
“That sounds so like Gran,” said Brutus with a chuckle.
“But if Gran and Scarlett are in jail,” said Dooley, his eyes wide and fearful, “that means they won’t be able to hear us through our bugs. Which means…”
“That we’re stuck in here forever,” I finished his sentence.
“Oh, nonsense,” said Norm. “I managed to sneak in just fine, so you guys will be able to sneak out of here, too.”
We all perked up at this. “Where?” I asked. “Where did you sneak in, Norm?”
And Norm, proud as a peacock, buzzed off and led the way. Soon he took us into the kitchen, and before our very eyes, he flew straight into a ventilation grid located right above the kitchen window. Its holes were a perfect fit for a half-an-inch fly. Not such a good fit for a twenty-pound cat, though.
And so we were back to square one—and still stuck in our gilded cage!
I was starting to feel like one of those contestants on Big Brother, only we couldn’t even get voted out of the house!
Chapter 20
“What were you thinking, Ma?” said Marge, not very pleased with her mother’s latest stunt. They’d managed to bail both her and Scarlett out of jail, but that didn’t mean they were out of the woods yet.
“I was thinking that Charlene Butterwick is blackmailing Alec, that’s what I was thinking,” said Gran as she rubbed her back, sore from spending the past hour in the slammer.
“You should really invest in some nicer accommodations,” said Scarlett, addressing the duty sergeant who was busy drawing up the release papers. “Maybe a nice sofa, and a television. This is the twenty-first century, you know, not the middle ages.”
They were still at the police station, waiting for the final hurdles to be passed before Gran and her friend were free again. “You should be glad they’re releasing you now,” said Odelia, like her mother very unhappy with her grandmother’s shenanigans. Not least of all because she hated spending the night at the police station and not in her warm bed at home. “They could have easily kept you here until you appeared in front of the judge.”
“Oh, nonsense,” said Gran, waving an irritable hand. “All we did was try to make sure my son doesn’t get caught in a loveless marriage with a manipulative bride. And since when is that a crime?”
“It’s a crime when it involves breaking into Town Hall in the middle of the night,” said Chase, not unreasonably. He’d been most instrumental in securing the two elderly ladies’ early release, but so far they hadn’t exactly shown him any gratitude, only a lot of lip.