“You can’t do this,” I said. I pointed at Diego. “He’s evil!”
“This hurts me more than it hurts you, Max,” said Diego mournfully. “But we have to think of cat choir. I’m sure you’ll agree with me that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”
“Here, here,” one cat called out.
“Well spoken, Diego!” cried another.
“Diego is right,” said Shanille. “He will take your place, and I’m sure he’ll do great.”
“Bye-bye, Max,” said Diego. “And don’t feel bad. We can’t all be as talented as me.”
“I’m going to get you for this,” Brutus growled as he took a menacing step in Diego’s direction. “I swear to God—”
“No violence, please, gentlecats,” said Shanille, holding up a conciliating paw. “And no blasphemy. If you have any respect for cat choir, you will accept the decision of the majority.”
I turned to the others.“You don’t want us gone, do you? I’ve known you guys forever!”
But they all gave me a stony-faced look. It was clear Diego had gotten to them, too. And then Diego cried,“And just like I promised, Cat Snax for everyone! My treat!”
“You bought them with Cat Snax,” I said, now truly in shock. “You bribed them.”
“To celebrate the arrival of this exciting new talent, Diego has indeed agreed to dispense a little treat amongst the members,” said Shanille, lifting her chin. “No bribery involved whatsoever. Merely a small token of his appreciation.”
Harriet gave us a look of commiseration, but then turned away. It was obvious which side she’d chosen in this escalating cat war.
“Come on, Max,” said Brutus. “We’re not welcome here anymore.”
And as we stalked off, Dooley said,“I liked cat choir. I really did.”
“Me too, buddy,” I said. “In fact I loved it.”
“You know?” asked Brutus. “You and I had some issues when I first arrived in town, Max. But never like this. Never like Diego.”
“No, never like Diego,” I agreed. “That cat is pure evil.”
“We have to talk to Clarice,” said Dooley. “She’s the only one who can save us.”
“At least Odelia is not selling us to the pound, you guys,” I said as we left the park and convened on the sidewalk, under a streetlamp, for an impromptu crisis meeting.
“She’s not?” asked Dooley.
“Nope. I talked to her and she said it’s all rubbish. She would never sell us or get rid of us. Diego has been talking through his hat. It’s all lies. Filthy lies to get our backs up.”
“Unless he’s right and Odelia is lying,” said Dooley.
“Who’s the more likely liar?” asked Brutus. “Diego or Odelia?”
Dooley thought about this for a moment but finally gave up.“Is that a trick question?”
“Diego, of course!” Brutus cried. “Odelia wouldn’t lie to us. Would she, Max?”
“No, she would not,” I said, coming to my human’s defense. “She’s never let me down before, and she won’t now. She said she would talk to Diego, and I hope she does.”
“Fat lot of good that’ll do,” said Brutus, his skeptical nature shining through. “I mean, Diego is such a great con artist he’ll simply wrap her around his little finger again.” He pounded his paw with his other paw. “No, we need to fix this ourselves, you guys. Or, better yet,” he added, gesturing at Dooley, “talk to Clarice again. She will fix this for us.”
And so we set out to Charlie Dieber’s place again. It was a long hike, but since we didn’t have anything better to do, we accepted our fate with equanimity. The nocturnal trek soon soothed the bitter memory of Diego kicking us out of cat choir, and when we finally arrived at the large compound the Dieber occupied, the fresh ocean breeze and the relative quiet of the night had done its healing work and I was starting to feel a little better again.
We met Clarice out on the deck, where she sat gazing up at the full moon as it cast its pale light across the world. She looked forlorn, but that was probably just my imagination.
“Hey, Clarice,” I said by way of greeting. “Fancy meeting you here.”
She barely glanced up.“Oh, it’s you again.”
I would have hoped for a little more enthusiasm, but at least she didn’t kick us out.
We joined her, and Brutus said,“Great night, huh? The moon… the stars… the, um, trees…”
“Oh, cut the crap, Brutus,” she said. “What do you want?”
“We never finished that conversation about Diego,” said Brutus, not discouraged.
“We need to get rid of Diego again, Clarice,” I explained. “And we can’t do it alone. We need your help. You got rid of him so magnificently last time, and we wanted to ask you to do it again.”
“As a favor to us,” Brutus said. “Because that cat is making our lives a living hell.”
Clarice was still staring up at the moon.“I’d always wondered, you know,” she said softly.
“Wondered what?” I asked.
“What life would be like for a cat like you. Having a human who loves you—takes care of you—takes you to the vet to deworm you and all.”
I drew myself up to my full height.“I’ll have you know I’ve never had to be dewormed.”
“You know what I mean.” She sighed. “This place is such a madhouse. Two dozen cats living in the same house. Can you imagine? It’s driving me nuts. Out there in the woods I had my own space. Peace and quiet. No one to bother me. Here? Yackety-yackety-yackety-yack all day and all night long.” She shook her head. “I like the food, and I like Charlie, but his pack of cats is too much. This may sound crazy but I’m starting to think about getting out of here.”
“So what about Diego?” asked Dooley, never one to apply tact or diplomacy.
Clarice turned a pair of fierce eyes on Dooley and he visibly shrank into his fur.“Who do you think I am? Your personal bitch? I don’t take orders from no one, buster. Least of all some pampered little—” She caught herself and grimaced. “Oh, my. Who’s the pampered one now, huh? I guess the joke’s on me for calling you guys names all these years.”
“I’m sorry you feel this way, Clarice,” I said, shooting Dooley a cautionary look.
“Yeah, that makes two of us,” she said, returning her gaze to the moon, which for some reason she’d developed a fascination with. “Look, I’m not your mother. If you have some issue with Diego you’ll just have to handle it. You’re big cats. You don’t need me.”
“But Clarice!” Dooley cried. “He’s just kicked us out of cat choir!”
“Who cares about cat choir? Cats can’t sing. Everybody knows that.”
“We can sing just fine,” I said, feeling hurt. This was the second time in a single night that my singing abilities had been questioned and I wasn’t sure I liked it.
“Look, I took care of Diego once. I’m not doing it again. I’ve got no beef with that cat. So if you want to get rid of him you’re just going to have to cat up and do it yourselves.”
Just then, there was a commotion on the upstairs balcony, and to my great surprise I suddenly saw Odelia and Chase briefly appear, before returning indoors.
“Hey! What’s Odelia doing here?” I asked.
“Oh, some idiot left a knife on Charlie’s pillow,” said Clarice dismissively. “And now the whole house is in the throes of some great pandemonium. It’s one of the reasons I’m thinking about splitting. I can’t even think with all the noise and the drama.”
“Who put the knife there?” asked Dooley.
“One of the security guards,” said Clarice. “Luca something. He must have thought it was some big joke. But Charlie isn’t laughing, and neither am I, for that matter.”
“I’ll bet this Luca is real sorry now, huh?” asked Brutus.
“Nobody knows it was him,” said Clarice. “One of the cats told me. She saw Luca put the knife on Charlie’s pillow and then stalk off again. I would have told Charlie but unlike your human Charlie doesn’t understand us. Which is weird for a self-proclaimed cat lover.”