“Um…”
“How devastated she’s going to be when you die?”
“Well, I don’t intend to die anytime soon, so the point is moot.”
Dooley, who’d followed the back-and-forth with mild interest, laughed. “Moot. Funny word.”
“The way you’re going, you are going to die soon, Max. And Odelia is going to be crushed. For some reason—Lord only knows why—she seems to care about you, and the loss will be a blow.”
I thought about this. Maybe Harriet was right. If I died—which was a very big if, mind you—Odelia wouldn’t take the news well. She did like me a lot. And what was not to like? I’m funny, charming, handsome, clever and I provide great entertainment.
“Look, I’m not going to die, Harriet,” I said. “So you can stop with all the scaremongering. I know you’re jealous because I cracked another case and you’ll say just about anything to upset me but it’s not going to work.”
“Good one, bro,” Brutus muttered.
I glanced over. Weird. Brutus was taking my side now? This was something new.
“Well, I’ll have you know that if you keep digging your grave with your teeth the way you’ve been doing for some time now you’ll be dead within a year. Probably even less. So there.”
“Is she right, Max?” asked Dooley. “Are you going to die soon?”
“Of course I’m not going to die! I’m far too young to die!”
“Not if you keep eating those Cat Snax,” said Harriet. “That stuff will kill you.”
“Pretty tasty, though,” Brutus muttered, refusing to meet Harriet’s gaze.
“And the same goes for you, Brutus,” said Harriet. “If you can’t stick to your diet we’re finished. Kaput. The end.”
He directed a pleading look at her.“Come on, babe. I’m not as fat as Max. Just look at us. He’s a lot fatter than me. He’s at least twice my size.”
“That’s because he’s a different body type,” she snapped.
Brutus lifted his face to me, the look of a long-suffering cat in his eyes.‘See what I’m dealing with here?’ the look seemed to say. ‘You’re not the only cat who’s in pain.’
And then I got it. For some reason, Harriet had put her beau on a diet. And knowing Brutus as a great trenchercat, one whose jaws never seemed to stop mauling some little morsel or snack, he was probably in his own private hell right now. And since misery loves company, he was obviously looking upon me as a friend. A fellow sufferer of this diet craze.
“Brutus,” Harriet said as she headed for the door. “Are you coming?”
Brutus directed a longing look at the kitchen, where my bowl of Cat Snax stood.
“Brutus! I’m not going to tell you twice!”
The former bully hung his head and shuffled out the door, his proud spirit broken.
“You know? I’m actually feeling sorry for the guy,” said Dooley, watching him leave.
“Me too. Who would have thought Harriet could turn into the cat from hell?”
“I did,” Dooley said ruefully. “She once accused me of being a spineless yellow-belly.”
“But why?”
“For not standing up to you more.”
“To me!”
He nodded.“She figured you treated me more like a slave than a friend sometimes, and told me to rise up and not take any more of your crap.”
“Why, the little minx! Trying to drive a wedge through our friendship!”
“You have been kind of insufferable lately, though, Max. So maybe Harriet had a point.”
“Insufferable? Me? Are you crazy?!”
Dooley winced.“I think it’s the diet. It makes you cranky.”
“I’m never cranky! I’m the picture of equanimity and poise!”
“I don’t know what that means, but you have to admit you have a pretty short fuse these days. I love you, Max, but it’s tough being your friend when you’re hungry.”
I thought about this. Maybe Dooley was right. I did get pretty cranky when I was hungry, and I did have a tendency to take it out on others. I gave him a rueful look.“I’m sorry, buddy. I guess you’re right. I don’t like feeling hungry, but I shouldn’t take it out on you.”
“That’s all right. I don’t like being hungry either. I guess none of us do.”
I plunked my head down on my paws.“I know one thing, Dooley.”
“What’s that?”
“Dieting sucks.”
“Well, at least the case is solved. I’m sure Odelia will lighten up now.”
“Yeah, at least there’s that.”
From beyond our garden, Harriet’s high-pitched voice reached our ears.
“Brutus! I told you not to eat that mouse!”
“But I like mice!” Brutus said plaintively. “They’re full of proteins.”
“Too many saturated fats! Now come along. Time for our power walk. Work off that fat!”
I shared a look with Dooley, and we both shook our heads.“Poor Brutus,” I said.
Chapter 26
“I can’t believe she’s dead,” Zelda wailed. The effect of whatever she’d been on had worn off by now, and she finally seemed to realize what she’d done.
Chase and Odelia were sitting across the table from the actress, whose hands were shackled down. Odelia directed a pleading look at Chase, who took the keys to her cuffs out of his pocket and released the woman.
“She was my best friend!” Zelda continued to wail, gratefully accepting the box of tissues Odelia placed in front of her.
“I thought she was your greatest rival,” said Chase.
“She was—but being the greatest rivals created a bond. After my career tanked, Donna was the only one who cared to look me up. She helped me find an apartment when my money ran out and even paid the rent. She was the only true friend I ever had.”
Now this was news.“So where do you live now?” asked Odelia.
“Long Island City. I moved out here when Donna moved out here.”
“And Donna was paying your rent?”
“She was. Now that she’s gone I guess that’ll be over.”
“Maybe not. Maybe she put a provision in her will for you.”
Zelda looked up hopefully.“You think?”
“Didn’t you ever talk about this kind of stuff?”
She shook her head.“Donna figured we’d live forever. She refused to discuss death. Said if we just ignored it we might be able to cheat it.” She laughed through her tears. “She was a real hoot once you got to know her.”
“What about royalties from your movies?” asked Chase. “You made so many amazing movies. Possibly the best and greatest franchise in the history of cinema.”
“Thanks,” she said. “I can tell you’re a real fan, Detective. But back when I made those movies I wasn’t a star at all. I was just a beginning actress and I signed a lousy deal. I got paid twenty-five grand for the first one, a bit more for the others. The last one netted me three hundred thousand.”
“Not exactly big money.”
“Not exactly. If you subtract taxes, agent fees, social security and all that, there wasn’t a whole lot left. Not enough to retire on, that’s for sure.”
Odelia caught Chase frowning. It was obvious that there was no motive for Zelda to murder Donna. Not if she stood to lose her benefactor. The woman who’d helped her out all these years.
“Are you sure you don’t remember where you were yesterday morning, Zelda?” I asked.
She shook her head.“I get these memory lapses. I’ll lose hours at a time.”
It wasn’t hard to figure out why that was. Officers had found Zelda’s abandoned car a mile from Donna’s house, the door open. Inside, they’d discovered enough weed to supply a small colony. And the smoking thing Dooley and Max had seen her use inside the house wasn’t incense but Zelda’s bong, which explained the pungent odor that had permeated the house.
“Did Donna also finance your marijuana habit?” she asked.
The woman’s eyes widened. “Marijuana? I don’t have a marijuana habit.”
“Come on, Zelda,” said Chase. “We found your car. And your stash.”
She sobered.“That’s for medicinal purposes only. I have allergies.”