“Because I care about you, babycheeks. You’re my girl. You’ll always be my girl.”
“Oh, Brutus.”
“There, there. Now lemme dry those tears. Everything is gonna be all right.”
“Oh, honey bucket. I missed you.”
“I missed you too, buttercup.”
“Oh, booksie-bug.”
“Oh, snooksie-tootsie-wootsie.”
“I’m gonna be sick,” Dooley announced, making a face.
I grinned.“Looks like things are back to normal on the home front, buddy.”
“Yuck.”
And while the lovebirds renewed their lovebirdiness, Dooley and I watched the Pooles come together and prepare to be poisoned by Tex’s nonexistent barbecue skills.
“So did you get a confession, Uncle Alec?” Odelia was asking as she held up her glass of ros?.
“I most certainly did,” the Chief said. “And I didn’t even have to beat him up.” When his comment attracted worried glances from his family members, he quickly added, “That was a joke. I would never beat up my prisoners. Not even the nasty ones.”
“Nugent confessed to the whole thing,” Chase chimed in. “Said he thought that if Ray and Toby were out of the picture Regan would come crying to him, and eventually develop feelings deeper than mere friendship. When that didn’t happen, he decided she had to die.”
“Yeah, a real Romeo, that one,” said Alec.
“I think it’s sad,” intimated Marge, who was officiating the carving of a big slice of roast that she’d prepared on the grill just in case her husband’s barbecue prowess failed them.
“Yeah, it’s pretty sad,” Odelia agreed. “But at least Regan is fine. And Jason Nugent will be punished for his crimes.”
“I still don’t get how you got it,” Chase said, returning to one of his favorite themes. “I mean, those hunches of yours are quickly becoming the stuff of legend, Poole.”
Odelia shrugged and took a sip of her wine, her eyes sparkling as much as the wine did. She wasn’t going to reveal her big secret to Chase, who would never understand.
I cast a look at Vesta, who’d been remarkably quiet throughout the evening.
“What’s the matter with Grandma?” asked Dooley, following my gaze. “She hasn’t spoken a word all day. It’s not like her to be in silence. And when she put out my bowl she gave me an extra cuddle and said, ‘You’re the only in this house who truly loves me, Dooley. My one true friend.The only one who would never betray me.’ What was that all about?”
We watched as Grandma Muffin sat cloaked in resolute silence, her lips pressed together in a thin line and her wrinkly face a thundercloud. She was even refusing to take nourishment, causing Marge to dart occasional exasperated glances in her direction.
“The thing is, Dooley, your human has been very naughty again.”
Dooley uttered a groan.“What did she do this time?”
“Apparently when Tex and Marge gifted her an iPhone and a remarkably affordable cell phone plan so she could call her friends, she quickly discovered a fun game in the App Store.”
“What kind of game?”
“Well, it’s called ‘Game of Phones.’ The trick is to select as many world leaders as you can, and then call them for as long as possible. The person with the most world leaders on the leaderboard and the most phone time racked up wins a cruise to the Bahamas.”
“So that’s why she was calling Angela Merkel in the middle of the night!”
“I think she’s hardly slept all week. She’s been chatting nonstop with these nonexistent world leaders all this time.”
“Nonexistent? You mean…”
I leveled a grim look at him.“Do you really think the German Chancellor would give a little old lady from Hampton Cove, USA, the time of day? Or listen to her rambling advice?”
“But Angela Merkel talked back to her. And so did this Ban Ki-moon and the others.”
“Artificial intelligence automated response system,” I said, repeating what Odelia had told me before dinner. “Grandma was talking to a bot, Dooley. Just a stupid computer bot.”
“So what’s so naughty about that? It must be fun to pretend-talk to the President.”
“The thing is, Game of Phones is a scam. You pay an exorbitant amount of money for every minute you chat with their bots, and since Gran gave them Tex’s credit card details…”
Dooley slapped a paw to his brow.“Oh, dear. Not again.”
“Yes, again. So when Tex got his credit card bill this morning…”
“He wasn’t happy.”
“He was very unhappy. And then he confiscated Vesta’s iPhone.”
“And now she’s unhappy.”
“Come on, Mom,” said Uncle Alec to his mother now. “You have to eat something. You’ll starve to death!”
“So be it,” croaked Grandma, her arms crossed defiantly over her chest. “This family hates me, so I hate them back.” She wagged a bony finger. “If I die, it’s on all of you!”
“You’ll get your phone back once I figure out how to have it kid-proofed,” said Tex.
She darted a look at him that no mother should ever direct at her son-in-law.“For your information, I’m not a child, Tex!”
“As long as you act like one, you’ll be treated as one,” Tex said cheerfully. “Sausage, anyone?” He presented a plate with six blackened sausages. Uncle Alec, Odelia and Chase took one look at the incinerated carcasses and demurred, preferring Marge’s roast instead.
“I want my phone,” said Grandma mutinously. “You can’t do this to me. This is a human rights violation and I’m gonna call Ban Ki-moon the minute I get my phone back.”
“That wasn’t the real Ban Ki-moon, Mom,” said Marge gently. “That was just a computer bot in the Philippines pretending to be Ban Ki-moon so it could scam you.”
“I don’t care. He told me I could be the next Secretary-General of the United Nations. Said I had the gumption and the wherewithal to save the planet and restore world peace to a troubled humanity! Do you really think a fake Ban Ki-moon would say those things to me?”
“Look, Ban Ki-moon isn’t even the Secretary-General anymore,” Odelia pointed out, holding up her phone and displaying a Wikipedia page. “It’s a guy called Ant?nio Guterres.”
“Don’t you believe that stuff,” said Gran stubbornly. “Everybody knows Wikipedia is fake news. I talked to Ban Ki-moon, and Angela Merkel, and Putin, and the President, and they all had nice things to say about me. Said I might get the Nobel Peace Prize for the work I do. And now that I finally get some recognition from some very important people, my own family turns against me!” She got up. “You know what? I don’t need this crap. I’m leaving!”
They watched, jaws dropped, as she stalked off.
“Ma! Where are you going?” asked Uncle Alec.
“To Washington! Where I’m appreciated! I’m gonna talk to the President in person. Last time we spoke he said he’d make me Secretary of State. I’m gonna remind him.”
“Ma! Come back here!” Alec said, throwing down his napkin and chasing after her.
“Never! I’m destined for greatness! You can’t hold me back!”
She disappeared around the corner of the house, still going strong, with Uncle Alec in hot pursuit. Their voices died away, and Dooley muttered,“Who’s going to feed me now?”
“She’ll be back,” I told him. “She might be nuts, but she’s not that nuts.”
“How long before she’ll come crawling back?” asked Odelia.
“I give her two hours,” said Tex.
“One hour,” said Marge. “She hasn’t eaten, remember?”
“You’ve got one crazy family, Poole,” said Chase with a grin. “And I like it!” he hastened to add when she quirked an eyebrow in his direction.
Yep. That’s us. One crazy family. And as I watched Brutus and Harriet canoodling nearby, and Uncle Alec chase his mother around and around the house, and Chase press a kiss on Odelia’s lips—and Tex doing the same with Marge—I thought about Dooley’s words. When was I finally going to find love? I thought about Clarice, roaming her beloved woods again, and Charlie’s Dieber Babes, one collection of fine but ultimately vapid cats, and then glanced at my buddy Dooley—my best friend and wingman—and sighed happily.