And he went right back to sleep!
I turned to face the others. I saw that Dooley was looking at me sadly, while Brutus was grinning like a fox. He seemed to be enjoying himself tremendously.
“Why don’t you try singing it to him, ‘bubba,’” Brutus suggested. “Or maybe you could send him a telegram and sign it, Max, heart heart heart.”
“So what do you suggest?” I asked.
“I’d simply kick him off that couch. And if he doesn’t like it, tough luck.”
“Max doesn’t kick cats off couches,” Dooley said.
“Oh? And why is that?”
“Because Max doesn’t believe in violence.”
Brutus laughed.“This is just hilarious!”
“Hey, fatso,” Diego said from the couch. “Zip it, will you? I’m trying to get some shut-eye here. Thanks, bubba.”
Brutus made a strangled sound at the back of his throat.“Fatso?!” he finally managed. “Did you just call me fatso?”
“Yeah, do you see another fat cat in here?” Then he caught sight of me and grinned. “Oh, I see what you mean. Okay, what about this: Hey, black fatso. Shut it.” He nodded at me. “I’ll call you orange fatso from now on. That all right with you, bubba?”
“No, it’s not all right with me!” I cried. “I’m not orange—I’m blorange!”
Diego rolled his eyes.“Tomato, tomahtoh. Blorange fatso, then, okay?”
“I’m not fat! I have big bones! It runs in my family!”
“And I’m not fat either,” Brutus cried. “I’m muscular.” He pounded his belly. “All muscle all the way. Not an ounce of fat.”
“If it helps you sleep at night, go ahead and fool yourself,” said Diego, stifling a yawn. “Hey, you, shorty,” he said, addressing Dooley now.
Dooley pointed at himself.“Are you talking to me?”
“Yeah, I’m talking to you. Do you see another short cat in here? Can you tell me when lunch is served? I’m real particular about eating times.”
Dooley was too stunned to respond. He just sat there, goggling.
Diego heaved out a sigh.“Shortand dumb. What a combo. Maybe you can tell me, fat blorange cat. When do they serve lunch in this dump?”
“Max!” I cried, trembling with indignity now. “My name is Max!”
“Sure. Whatever you say, dude. So?” When I stared at him, he rolled his eyes again. “Geez Louise, do I have to spell it out for you? When. Do. They. Serve. Lunch. In. This. Dump? Never mind. I’ll ask the blond bimbo when she comes back. I’ll bet she’s smarter than you bunch of chumps.”
At this point, I, Brutus and Dooley all started yelling at the newcomer simultaneously. Unfortunately, he seemed oblivious, as he was staring past us in the direction of the French windows, which were open.
“Hey, gorgeous,” Diego said, finally displacing himself and gracefully jumping down from the couch. “Where did you spring from? Heaven?”
I turned around to see who he was talking to, and saw that Harriet had entered the room. She was eyeing the newcomer curiously.“Who are you?”
Diego walked up to the white Persian and grinned.“Diego. I’m new in town. And you are…”
“Harriet.”
“Lovely name for a lovely dame.”
“So…” She gave me a confused look. “Do you live here now?”
“Yeah, Odelia adopted me. I’m here to stay, babe.”
“Odelia adopted you?” Harriet asked.
“It’s a long story. I belonged to this old babe, then she transferred me to this cop dude, and he decided to offload me so now I’m here.”
“Oh, you poor thing,” she said. “You’ve been through a lot, haven’t you?”
He sighed.“Yeah, my life has not been a bed of roses, believe you me.”
“Now that you’re here, things are going to get better,” she said.
“Now that you’re here, Iknow things are gonna get better,” he purred, waggling his whiskers seductively.
Oh, God. The cheesy lines just kept on coming! I was waiting for Harriet to finally catch on and put this guy in his place, but instead she was giving him the same look she used to give Brutus when he first arrived in Hampton Cove. Both Dooley and I glanced over at Brutus, who seemed to sit stunned, glued to the spot, eyes wide, his jaw on the floor.
“Sweetness!” Brutus finally managed. “My precious!”
Harriet looked up, and gave him a curt nod.“Hey, Brutus.” But instead of going over to him and smothering him with revolting kisses, like she usually did, she stayed right where she was, checking out Diego.
Diego gave Brutus a smug smile, and asked Harriet,“Maybe you can show me around? Nobody has given me the grand tour of this place.”
“They haven’t?” She gave me an angry look. “Max! Where are your manners?”
“He called me fat,” I said weakly.
“And orange,” Dooley said, just as weakly.
“Hey, that’s what buds do,” said Diego. “Just some good-natured ribbing.”
“Well, I’ll show you around,” said Harriet. “In fact why don’t I give you the tour of the town? Hampton Cove has a lot of great stuff to offer, and I can show you all of it.”
“Oh, I don’t doubt you can, babe,” said Diego smoothly, unashamedly checking out Harriet’s rear end and tail.
She giggled and tapped his shoulder.“You’re funny.”
“Thanks. I get that a lot. Especially from the ladies.”
“You think I’m a lady?” she asked as she led him out the window.
“I think you’re a babe. And a lady. A lady babe.”
She giggled again.“Oh, you’re just a regular riot, aren’t you?”
“Sugar pie?” Brutus managed hoarsely. “Honeybunch?”
But Harriet was gone.
We sat there in stunned silence for the space of all of five seconds.
“What just happened?” I finally asked.
“I think Harriet likes the new cat,” Dooley said sadly. He’d been through this before with Brutus, so he recognized the signs.
“This isn’t happening,” said Brutus. “Is it?”
He hadn’t been through this before. In fact this was probably the first time he’d been thrown over by someone, so the experience was entirely new. I know I should have gloated, after what he’d put us through, but I honestly couldn’t. The cat looked absolutely, positively sandbagged.
“It’s happening,” Dooley said, patting him on the back. “It just happened.”
“Oh, God,” he said, and I thought I heard an actual crack when the big lug’s heart broke.
Chapter 4
Odelia and Chase sat down for a cup of coffee at Cup o’ Mika, the coffee shop across the street from the restaurant. The coroner was still checking the body, and Chief Alec was poking around the crime scene. Odelia had talked to some more people who worked in the restaurant and they’d all confirmed that Niklaus Skad hadn’t made himself popular while he was filming the segment devoted toFry Me for an Oyster.
“Looks like pretty much everyone had a motive to kill the guy,” she said.
“Looks like. He wasn’t exactly Mr. Popular,” Chase agreed.
Both Chase and Uncle Alec had agreed that the crime scene was too gruesome for Odelia to see, so Chase had volunteered to keep her up to date.
“So tell me, what was so horrible?” she asked. “I mean, I’ve seenFriday the Thirteenth. I can handle blood and gore, Chase.”
“Are you sure? Your mom once told me you can’t watch a scary movie without yelling to stop the movie, or disappearing into the kitchen when it gets really scary.”
“Did Mom tell you that? She must have been talking about herself.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Oh, all right. So I love scary movies but I can’t stand the scary parts. So big deal. I’ll bet there are lots of people who close their eyes or peek through their fingers when the girl is in the shower and the masked maniac sneaks in.”
“That’s such a clich?,” he laughed. “I’m amazed they still keep doing scenes like that.”