“Oh, I’m invited, all right,” said Brutus. “Ain’t that right, honey bunch?”
“I invited him,” said Harriet. “This is my house, too.”
“You’ve got some nerve,” I said, shaking my head.
“I don’t see why we can’t all live together,” said Harriet now, sounding like a seventies hit song. “Why we can’t all simply get along and be friends.”
“Because Brutus is a bully and a brute, and bullies and brutes don’t get along with non-bullying brutes like us,” said Dooley.
“Kicking a friend out of your house is kind of a brutish move, buddy,” said Brutus.
“You’re not my friend,” I said stubbornly.
“A friend of a friend is a friend,” he riposted.
“Well, since Harriet is dead to me that makes you…” I hesitated. This was all getting very confusing. “Anyway, I don’t want you here so that’s that.”
Brutus grinned, displaying two sets of very sharp teeth. He patted my cheek with his paw. “Maxie. Baby. Your human and my human are inches away from getting it on, which makes us more than friends. The moment those two lovebirds move in together you and me are gonna be brothers, bubba! We be shacking up together. We be like homies, bro!”
“Yes, Max,” gushed Harriet. “You should have seen Odelia and Chase last night. So Brutus is right. Very soon now we’re all going to be living together, so why don’t you let bygones be bygones and welcome him into our family?”
“Over my dead body,” I growled, shaking off Brutus’s paw.
Brutus moved in, and whispered in my ear, “That can be arranged.”
I glared at him. “Why don’t I simply tell Odelia I don’t want you here?”
“Yeah!” cried Dooley. “Maybe she’ll make Chase give you away!”
“In your dreams, buddy,” growled Brutus.
“Odelia listens to what we tell her,” I said. “And if we tell her we don’t want you here, she’ll give Chase an ultimatum: either get all loved-up and cuddly on her couch and watch Cops together, or get rid of his furball.” I gave Brutus a sweet smile. “I wonder which way Chase is going to lean.”
“We’ll see about that,” he said, but I could see a hint of doubt in his eyes. He’d probably never met a cat that could make himself understood by his human before, and it wasn’t a gift he shared with us. He’d have no way of pleading with Chase to keep him, and I was pretty sure that if Dooley and I put our collective paws down, it was bye-bye Brutus.
“You wouldn’t do that,” said Harriet, aghast.
“Oh, but I most definitely would.”
“He’s bluffing,” said Brutus, giving me a nasty glare. “He’s just trying to come between us, sweetie pie, and it’ll never work.”
Harriet seemed doubtful, though. She knew what we were capable of when push came to shove. But she seemed to make up her mind and lifted her chin. “If you tell Odelia you don’t want Brutus here, I’ll tell her that I do want him here. That will make her think twice.”
“You wouldn’t do that!” I cried.
“Watch me,” she hissed, narrowing her beautiful green eyes.
Dooley seemed even more taken aback. “You wouldn’t go against family!”
“Of course not,” she said sweetly, “since Brutus is my family now.” She stared at the big, black cat adoringly. “He’s got qualities no other cat has.”
“Like what?!” cried Dooley. “The fact that he still got his… nuts? Well, I can fix that. We talked to Odelia and soon it’s gonna be nuts on the nuts!”
“For your information,” said Brutus haughtily, “my… situation is perfectly legal, thank you very much. A policeman’s cat has to set an example, so naturally I’m in compliance with the applicable penal code.”
“Huh?” asked Dooley, not comprehending.
“Brutus is fixed,” huffed Harriet, “and I can’t believe you’d stoop so low.”
We both stared at Brutus. “You’re fixed?” I asked. “But how…”
“Why the surprise, fellas? These days all the cool cats are fixed.” He gestured at us. “And a couple of losers, too, of course, to balance things out.”
“But how can you be so… buff, and still be fixed?” asked Dooley.
“Being a real hombre got nothing to do with what’s going on down there,” said Brutus, taking on the air of a mentor teaching his mentees a few life lessons. “Being a cat’s cat has to do with attitude, and the knowledge that you’re a superior being, not with the size of your… equipment.”
I gave a snort. “You’re definitely not a superior being.”
“Oh, but he most certainly is,” said Harriet, moving over to her new mate and stropping against him seductively. “The stamina this cat got? You wouldn’t believe it!”
“Say it, girl.”
“I am saying it and saying it loud and proud.”
“Now growl it.”
Harriet growled, and Dooley and I threw up in our mouths.
“I’m gonna be sick,” I told Dooley.
“Me, too,” he confessed.
The cooing and lovebirding that followed was enough to make us both gag, and I knew this was going to prove a tougher fight than we’d anticipated. Not only had Brutus invaded our space and seduced our friend, but with Harriet he had gained a powerful ally to convince Odelia to accept him into our home. Odelia loved Dooley and me, but she simply adored Harriet. Everybody did. Because of that snowy white fur people always thought she was the most beautiful creature they’d ever seen, and would stop at nothing to give her what she wanted. If Harriet wanted Brutus introduced into the home, Odelia would do it, against my and Dooley’s protestations.
Unless… I gave Dooley a nudge. “Let’s skedaddle, buddy. We have a human to find and a job to do.”
“But we can’t leave these two here!” he cried. “This is our home!”
“And now it’s mine,” said Brutus with a smirk, and proceeded to stalk over to the couch, hop on, and make himself comfortable in my spot! Then he patted the space beside him. “Hop on, baby cheeks. Let’s have a party.”
Harriet giggled, and without waiting for my approval, hopped onto the couch, stretched out luxuriously, and lovingly gazed into her new mate’s eyes.
“Oh, crap,” I muttered. “I can’t take any more of this.” And I hurried out the pet door, Dooley in my wake. And as we rounded the house and made our way to the street, I said, “We have to do something about this.”
“But what can we do? You heard Harriet. She’ll vouch for him.”
“I’ve got the perfect idea, Dooley,” I assured him. “We’ll simply tell Odelia we know who the killer is, but if she wants us to reveal the identity, first she has to kick that brute out of our house.”
“You mean blackmail?” asked Dooley, eyes widening.
“Let’s just call it a bargaining chip.”
He brightened. “I think it’s a great idea! Do you think she’ll go for it?”
“I’m sure she will. She’s desperate to find that killer, so she’ll give us whatever we want in exchange for the information.”
We hurried along, now on a mission to save our home from this intruder. Harriet was nursing a viper at her bosom, and we needed to shift him.
“I can’t believe Harriet,” Dooley lamented. “Who would have thought she’d betray us like this?”
“That’s kitties for you,” I said. “They see a handsome tom and they forget all about you.”
“I thought she was our friend,” said Dooley dejectedly.
“Well, she’s our friend no more,” I said with determination. “This is war, Dooley, and since she’s colluding with the enemy that makes her our enemy, too.”
“The enemy of our enemy is our enemy, right?”
I thought about this for a moment. “Not exactly.”
Five minutes later, we strolled into the offices of the Gazette, and were surprised to find that Odelia wasn’t there, seated at her desk as usual.
“Where is she?” asked Dooley. Then he gave me a horrified look. “Don’t tell me! She’s probably holed up with Chase Kingsley, making out on his couch, just like Harriet and Brutus!”