“Oh, don’t be so modest, Chase,” said Mom. “You nailed the perp.”
Mom had been reading Lincoln Rhyme novels. The lingo rubbed off.
“Thank you, ma’am. I mean, Marge,” said Chase.
He seemed more relaxed now that the killer was behind bars.
“I just knew that Dion was the perp,” said Gran. The wizened old lady was polishing off her second plate of pasta. She claimed she was on the paleo diet, but Odelia doubted cavemen had ever been into spaghetti bolognese.
“Why is that?” asked Odelia. Gran watched the Kenspeckles religiously.
“Oh, I hate the guy. Even when he was an Olympic swimmer. That man’s got more tattoos than Ed Sheeran. He’s like a walking adult coloring book.”
“I take it you’re not a fan of the Kenspeckles?” asked Chase.
“Of course I’m a fan. I’m a big fan of the Kenspeckles. I’m their number one fan. Where else are you gonna find that much drama? It’s better thanGeneral Hospital. And why is that? Because the Kenspeckles are the real deal. They’re not something some Hollywood screenwriter with spectacles, pimples and stinky ramen noodle breath cooked up. It’s all real.”
“Except for Shayonne Kenspeckle’s boobs,” said Mom. “Those can’t be real. They’re lumpy and square. Real boobs aren’t lumpy and square.”
“You’re right about the boobs. You got me on the boobs. Theyare square. But apart from that, what you see is what you get. All real, all the time.”
“Or Shalonda’s butt. I’ll bet she got herself some of those butt implants.”
“I’ll throw in Shalonda’s butt. Butt and boobs? Fake. The rest? All real.”
“And Shantel’s lips. I’m guessing lip injections. Lots of lip injections.”
“Butt, boobs, lips, check,” said Gran. “And don’t forget about the botox. They all got the botox. Even Steel Kenspeckle got the botox, and he’s a guy.”
“Steel Kenspeckle’s the dad,” I explained, for Chase’s sake.
“I know,” he said. “I read Wikipedia.”
“And what about Camille’s rhinoplasty?” asked Mom.
“Camille’s the—”
“Mother. Yes, I know,” said Chase.
“And then there’s Starr’s laser hair removal. The kid’s got no hair left.”
“Starr is the son,” Gran said as an aside to Chase, who groaned.
“And don’t tell me Shayonne’s eyebrows are real. Those are microbladed.”
Dad grinned.“I’m starting to think I got into the wrong profession.”
“Yeah, Dad,” said Odelia. “You should have gone into plastic surgery. There’s money in plastic surgery. You could have been the Kenspeckles’ personal plastic surgeon if you’d played your cards right. We could all be living in Beverly Hills right now, and I could be writing for the LA Times.”
“It’s not too late,” said Gran, perking up. “I could use a nip and tuck.”
No amount of nip and tuck could ever turn Gran into a babe, but Dad gracefully said,“You don’t need surgery, Vesta. You’re a natural beauty.”
“I know I don’t need surgery, but I could use a lift. At my age stuff starts sagging so much only heavy-duty scaffolding can keep it up. I’ll bet if I had Camille Kenspeckle’s surgeon he could strip off a decade. Can you believe that woman’s as old as Cher and Dolly Parton? She looks likea teenager.”
Odelia felt it was time to give her grandmother a reality check.“Nothing on that show is real, Gran. Everything is fake, and I’m not just talking about the boobs and the butts and the thighs and the noses. I’m talking about the fights and the dramas and the tantrums and the crying. It’s all scripted.”
“Nonsense. Nobody can fake all those feelz. Like when Shantel and Sandy were on vacay in Cabo and they got into this huge fight over who got to bag the cabana boy? You can’t fake that kind of heartfelt emotion. We’ll never know who did the cabana boy but I think it was Shantel. BCheeks cheated on her with the dog walker so she decided to get back at him.”
Chase leaned in, and whispered,“I’m afraid to ask, but who’s BCheeks?”
“Some rapper Shantel dated last year. A total tool.”
He grinned.“I’m surprised you even know the name.”
“Mom and Gran keep me in the loop.”
“You really are into that show, aren’t you, Mom?” asked Uncle Alec.
“I told you. It’s nice to get a slice of real life for a change.”
“What did you think of Shana Kenspeckle, Mrs. Poole?” asked Chase.
“She was a doll. Misguided, of course. Marrying that loser Damien LeWood was a dumb move. The guy is certifiable and should be locked up.”
“She deserved better,” Mom agreed. “That girl was a saint. An angel.”
“She definitely deserved better than to be murdered by that asshat Dion Dread,” Gran agreed. “The show won’t be the same without her.”
“Do you think they’ll cancel the show?” asked Mom, eyes wide.
“They said they wouldn’t,” said Odelia. “Shayonne and Shalonda want to keep it going, and they seem to think this murder will give the show a boost.”
“Yeah, but when all the hubbub dies down it’s going to drop like a stone,” said Gran, the self-professed Kenspeckle expert. “Those sisters can’t hold a candle to Shana, and neither can Shantel or Sandy. And don’t even get me started on Steel and Camille, or that moron Starr.” She shook her head. “No, they’ve gone and killed the goose that laid the golden eggs.”
“So theyare going to cancel the show,” said Mom with a sigh.
“No big loss there,” said Chase. “I doubt a lot of people are going to shed a tear about the end of the Kenspeckles.”
“I will,” said Gran. “Now I’ll have to go back to watchingJeopardy. I can only imagine how boring that’s going to be after my weekly fix of real-life drama and wholesome family entertainment.”
“I’m sure there are other shows,” said Mom soothingly.
“Yeah, but none of them are as much fun as the Kenspeckles.”
“There’s Mama June and Honey Boo Boo,” said Dad with a grin.
“Oh, please,” said Gran. “I have my standards, Tex.”
This elicited a snort from Chase. Gran cut her eyes to him.
“So when are you going to start dating Odelia, Chase?” she asked.
“Mother!” Mom cried.
“What? I’m just looking out for my only grandchild.”
“I could do dinner,” said Chase, nodding. “I could definitely do dinner.”
“Oh, curb your enthusiasm,” said Gran. “You two have a thing or two to learn from the Kenspeckles. When Shana and Damien met they hit the sack the minute they laid eyes on each other. Same thing with Shayonne and Dion. Or Shalonda. The woman’s had more anaconda than any self-respecting ho.”
“Mom! We have guests!”
Chase just sat grinning, and when he briefly locked eyes with Odelia, she thought she detected a mischievous glint. As if he wouldn’t mind going all anaconda on her. The prospect made her knees go weak, while other parts of her anatomy tightened up considerably.
“So you’ve decided to stop pursuing Chase, Mom?” asked Chief Alec.
Gran waved a hand.“I’m all about family, honey. Odelia needs a man a lot more than I do, so I’ve decided to sacrifice my own needs for hers.”
“That’s very generous of you, Gran,” said Odelia.
“Ugh. It’s the least I can do. Before I die I’d like to dandle my great-grandchildren on my knee. Have a four generation picture in the Gazette. Is that too much to ask?”
“I think Odelia and Chase are old enough to decide for themselves, Vesta,” said Dad. “Without anyone else interfering.”
“And I think they need all the interfering they can get. It’s obvious it’s going to take them forever to bust a move, and I’m not getting any younger.”
“I’ll keep it in mind, Mrs. Poole,” said Chase. He tipped back his root beer. Judging from the grin he gave Odelia he was enjoying the conversation.
“So have you found a place of your own yet, Chase?” asked Mom.