“Well?” said Harriet, impatiently tapping that nail on the edge of the couch.
“Brutus says you’re the love of his life and every second he can’t spend with you is a second lost forever. He’s in decline, losing weight so fast soon there’ll be nothing left but a smudge on the couch.” There. It wasn’t verbatim, but I figured I’d gotten the gist of the thing nicely across.
Harriet appeared unmoved, however.“Tell him I don’t care if he dies and rots in hell,” she growled.
“Harriet,” Marge said warningly. “Language.”
“Oh, all right. Tell him I’ll be happy to dance on his smudge.”
“Harriet!” said Marge. “Brutus is still a member of this family and you’ll treat him with respect.”
“He doesn’t respect me, so why should I respect him?” she challenged.
“Prima donna,” Gran muttered.
“I heard that,” Harriet snapped. “And I resent the slur.”
“What is she talking about?” asked Tex.
“Nothing worth listening to,” said Marge.
“Oh,” said Tex, disappointed.
“Lovers’ tiff,” Gran clarified.
“This is not a lovers’ tiff!” Harriet said. “He cheated on me and if I never set eyes on that black cat again, it’ll be too soon! And you tell him I said that,” she added for my sake.
So off I went again, this time in the opposite direction. Slouching, slumping, shuffling, worming and finally wending my way home. I arrived at the house, where I was met by two eager eyes boring into mine. Brutus was actually panting.“And? And? What did she say?”
I decided to keep this whole thing PC.“I think you’re going to have to try harder, Brutus,” I said. “She wasn’t receptive to the whole concept of the, um, smudge-on-the-couch thing.”
“What do you mean, she wasn’t receptive?” asked Dooley. “That was some of my best work. Though it’s a greasy spot, not a smudge.”
“Hold your horses, Shakespeare,” I said. “I think it’s going to take more than a few well-wrought sentences to convince Harriet to clasp Brutus to her bosom once again.”
“Oh, to be pressed to my love’s bosom,” said Brutus, suddenly becoming lyrical.
“You probably didn’t do my words justice,” said Dooley. “Next time I’ll come with you.” He shook his head. “If you want something done, you have to do it yourself.”
“Next time?” I said. “There’s not going to be a next time. You asked me to be your go-between and I was. Now I’m going to take a nap and try to forget this whole business.”
“Wait!” Brutus said. “Please, Max. You have to help me. You’re the only friend I’ve got.”
“And what am I? Chopped liver?” asked Dooley. “I’m your friend, too, Brutus.”
“Of course,” said Brutus. “And I can’t thank you enough. Now, please, tell Harriet… Oh, dammit! Why can’t I think of the right words to say?”
Dooley touched his paw to his chest.“Allowmoi, my friend. I’ll give you all the words.” He assumed the position of Rodin’s The Thinker for a moment, then said, “Harriet, love of my life. Treasure of my heart. Please accept my deepest, most heartfelt apologies. I’m a swine, a creep, a louse. I’m less than the dirt under your nails, worse than the most disgusting rat that slinks through the sewers of this town, filthier than the creepy crawlies that slither from underneath an overturned rock. I’m filth, I’m slime, I’m nothing, I’m—”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Brutus grumbled. “I get the picture.”
Dooley pointed an imperious finger in my direction.“Messenger. Deliver my decree.”
“Oh, for crying out loud,” I said. “You deliver your decree.”
“Better yet, we’ll deliver my decree together,” Dooley said. Then, addressing Brutus, added, “Don’t you worry about a thing. When in doubt, grovel, and I’m about to grovel on your behalf like no cat has ever groveled since that first cat crawled out of the woods and offered his servicesas a mouser to that first human in exchange for a roof over his head.”
And off we went, with Brutus’s halfhearted blessings, to heal this rift.
“Now what is it?” Harriet said, none too pleased with my swift return.
This time I was prepared to let Dooley do the talking. He didn’t disappoint.
He knelt in front of Harriet.“Oh, great and noble one. Oh, most beautiful cat in all of existence. Oh, most gorgeous creature ever to walk the face of this earth. Oh, sweet and—”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” she said. “Get on with it.” She looked oddly pleased, though. Never underestimate the power of a compliment. Or a barrage of them.
“Brutus wants you to know he’s deeply, sincerely sorry. He also wants you to know that he knows that you know that he’s less than the dirt under your claws, less than the rats that infest the nooks and crannies of this town. Less than the muck that oozes out of the pipes when you unscrew thatbulbous thingy underneath the sink to unclog the drain.”
“Yuck,” Gran muttered.
“I know all that,” said Harriet. “Now tell me something I don’t know.”
“What are they talking about?” asked Tex.
“Oh, more stuff,” said Marge vaguely. “Harriet, don’t you think it’s time you forgave that poor cat?”
“No, I don’t,” she said. “He cheated on me with Darlene and I’ll never forget and I’ll definitely never forgive.”
“He says he never sniffed Darlene’s butt,” I said, feeling it was time to set the record straight.
“Oh, please. Tell him he’s a liar. I saw him sniff her butt.”
“He was trying to tell her he wasn’t interested. That he only loves you.”
“He had his nose up her butt!”
“That was just a matter of perceptive,” said Dooley.
“Perspective,” I corrected.
“What?!” cried Harriet.
“Perspective. Like when you think an object is far away while in fact it’s right in front of you. Darlene’s butt was here, while Brutus’s nose was there, and never the twain met.”
“Yeah, right.” She rolled her eyes, not impressed.
“Oh, give the cat a break,” Marge said. “He almost drowned today.”
“And was almost run over,” Tex added, happy that for once he could follow.
“Yeah, he almost died twice today,” Marge said.
Judging from Harriet’s expression, almost wasn’t good enough. She’d only be happy if Brutus was run over not once but three times in a row by a succession of vehicles, until he actually was a smudge on the asphalt, and preferably she’d see Darlene suffer the same fate.
“Let’s go, Dooley,” I said finally. “This is no good. We’re wasting our time here.”
“But he loves you, Harriet,” said Dooley. “Doesn’t that mean anything?”
Harriet hesitated, but then her expression hardened.“No, it doesn’t. He hurt me, Dooley, and I’ll never be able to forgive him for that.”
And Dooley and I were both making our way back to the other house when he said,“I didn’t know love was so complicated, Max.”
“Oh, it is, buddy.”
“Good thing we never got involved in something like that.”
“Yeah, good thing,” I agreed.
“I just hope Odelia and Chase never get into that kind of trouble. If we can’t even reconcile two cats, how are we ever going to reconcile two humans?”
“Odelia and Chase are never going to get into that kind of trouble,” I said. “And you know why? Because Chase is smart. And so is Odelia. They’re both smart. And in love.”
We entered the house and I was surprised to find Odelia seated on the couch, absentmindedly stroking Brutus’s fur. She looked distraught.
“Oh, no!” I cried. “You broke up with Chase!”
Chapter 19
Odelia stared at Max.“Why would I break up with Chase?”
“Um, no reason,” he said, looking sheepish after his outburst.
“And where is Harriet?”
“Next door. She won’t talk to me,” said Brutus sadly. He then looked up at Max and Dooley, who both shook their heads.