You can take a cat out of a butt but you can’t take a butt out of a cat.
We’d said our goodbyes to Big Mac and headed off to Hampton Cove Park, where cat choir holds its nocturnal rehearsal sessions under the tutelage of Shanille, our conductor. When we arrived the place was already buzzing, and Dooley and I quickly joined Brutus and Harriet, who had secured themselves a spot near the benches. Cat choir rehearsals are held at the playground section of the park, us cats occupying the jungle gym and other multi-colored paraphernalia. My favorite spot is on top of the slide. I love sliding down the thing from time to time. It seems to help reaching both those low notesand the high ones.
Milo, our across-the-street neighbor’s cat, who’d recently spent some time with us while his owner was vacationing in Florida, was also there. I was glad to see him. Before he met us his human never let him go outside. Odelia had had a little chat with Mrs. Lane and now Milo enjoyed that rare and wonderful privilege of the cat flap, without a doubt one of the greatest inventions made by man.
“Hey, buddy,” I said when I spotted Milo.
“Max,” he said with a nod.
Milo is a small, white cat with a very big imagination.
“Have you lost weight?” he asked now.
I was inordinately pleased.“You think so?” I asked, checking my girth.
“Your belly used to drag across the ground like a potbellied pig’s and now it doesn’t. That’s how I can tell that you lost weight. Either that or your legs have gotten longer, which seems improbable.”
My smile had vanished. I should have mentioned that Milo has a habit of insulting people—and cats. It stems from his days at the pound, when he had to fend for himself. You’ve got to be tough to survive life at the pound, and tough is Milo’s middle name.
“I see you’re still your usual, charming self,” I grumbled.
“Hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” He directed a nod at Dooley, who was looking up at the heavens with a suspicious look on his face, as if expecting the sky to drop on his head.
“What’s he looking at?” asked Milo curiously.
“Dooley has started watching the Discovery Channel—”
“Good for him.”
“—and saw a documentary about the apocalypse. Climate change, Yellowstone, earth-destroying comets, the usual. And now he expects the world to end any moment.”
“You’re right, you know, Dooley,” said Milo seriously.
Dooley looked over, surprised.“I’m right?”
Oh, God.Here we go again, I thought. Did I also mention Milo is a fantasist?
Milo placed a paw on Dooley’s shoulder. “The world is ending tomorrow night at midnight on the dot. Which is why I’m feeling slightly maudlin.” He transferred his paw to his heart. “And why I’m so glad I met you guys. True friendship is the only thing that makes this painful moment in our planet’s existence worth living through.”
“Oh, Milo,” said Dooley, touched.
“Thanks for your friendship, Dooley,” Milo said with a catch in his voice. “And you, Max. And Brutus and Harriet. I love you guys.”
“How—how is the world ending, exactly?” asked Dooley. “Is it… Yellowstone? Is she finally going to blow? Or are the North Koreans launching those ICBMs of theirs? Or, or, or is it the three-hundred-foot tsunami that’s going to wipe out the entire continent?”
“All of the above and more, Dooley,” said Milo sadly.
“Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“That’s…”
“I know.”
Both cats were silent for a moment, taking a minute to process these truths, while Harriet rolled her eyes. Then again, if it wasn’t onThe Bachelor, Harriet didn’t believe it.
“You can still save yourself, though, Dooley,” said Milo now.
Hope surged in Dooley’s eyes. “How?”
“Simple. Just kick a friend.”
“Kick a friend?”
“Kick him hard. If everyone kicks a friend we can stop this apocalypse.”
“Kick a friend,” said Dooley thoughtfully.
“Here, let me show you,” said Milo, and kicked Dooley.
“Hey!”
“Do you feel it?”
Dooley stared at the cat.“Feel what?”
“That surge of energy. If we all start kicking each other we elevate the planet’s energy level. Once the planet’s core energy signature changes, we collectively enter the sixth dimension and as everybody knows the apocalypse can’t materialize in the sixth dimension.”
“Huh,” said Dooley, and eyed me curiously. I could see that his right leg was itching to give me a kick so I moved back a little.
A small smirk appeared on Milo’s face so I gave him a warning glance.
‘What?’ his expression said.
‘Cut it out,’ my expression returned.
‘I was just having a bit of fun.’
‘You had your fun now cut it out.’
‘Oh, all right. You’re such a party pooper.’
Better be a party pooper than have cat choir turn into a kickfest. As we waited for Shanille to take up her position on top of the jungle gym and start rehearsals, I noticed how Brutus suddenly seemed to have disappeared.
“Where’s Brutus?” I asked Harriet.
“Beats me,” said Harriet. She didn’t look happy. As if something was bugging her. “He’s been acting weird all week,” she added, then lowered her voice. “I think he’s having an affair, Max.”
“That’s impossible. That cat is crazy about you.”
“He was—now he’s not.”
“I think you’re wrong. I happen to know Brutus very well and—”
“If you know him so well you’ll know that he’s been unusually quiet and maudlin.”
I gave her a look of surprise. Not because of Brutus but because she knew the word maudlin.
“Maybe you should talk to him, Max. Man to man, I mean. He might tell you what’s going on.” Her expression hardened. “And if he’s been having an affair I can tell you right now that I’ll rip him to shreds and stomp on his remains then spit on his cheating carcass.”
I gulped. Harriet can be fierce, and I didn’t doubt for a moment she meant every word she said. “I’ll talk to him,” I promised. “In fact I’ll do it right now.” If I could find him, that was. “Can you keep an eye on Dooley? Milo’s been filling his ears with nonsense again.”
“I know. If he keeps it up I’ll rip him to shreds, too, then stomp on—”
“His remains. I get it.”
I was quick to put some distance between myself and Harriet. When she was in one of her moods there was no telling who’d be on the receiving end of those sharp claws.
To my surprise, I found Brutus hobnobbing with Shanille near a cluster of evergreens. The two of them were deep in conversation. So deep, in fact, that they didn’t hear me sneak up on them until I was close enough to catch some snatches of what they were discussing.
“Come tonight and come alone,” Shanille was saying.
“I will,” Brutus responded, uncharacteristically solemn. “Are you sure about this, Shanille?”
“Of course I’m sure. But it’s imperative that you tell no one, you hear?”
“Do you think I want anyone to know? I haven’t even told Max, and he’s my best bud.”
I was so surprised to hear Brutus refer to me as his best bud that I accidentally stepped on a twig and it snapped. Both Shanille and Brutus looked up and spotted me.
“Hey, guys,” I said with faux cheer. “Great weather we’ve been having, huh?”
Shanille shook her head disgustedly, then said,“You fix this, Brutus.” She stalked off, leaving me and Brutus to stare at each other, an uncomfortable silence stretching out between us.
Finally, Brutus said,“There’s something I need to tell you, Max.”
I steeled myself for the big reveal.“I like Shanille.”