“Honey, I’ve done this a thousand times before. I’m old!” she added when Odelia gave her a skeptical look. “I’ve talked people into saying stuff they didn’t want to say from way before you were even born. Men, mostly, but women, too.” She looked grim. “You wouldn’t believe the things I got your grandfather to confess when I used my thumbscrews on him.”
Odelia laughed, but then seemed to realize Gran wasn’t kidding. She cleared her throat. “Three. We find a way to insert Max and Dooley into the room so they can talk to the suspects’ pets. And we never, ever, leave them behind.”
Never leave a fallen pet behind. I liked it. One of those rules to live by, huh?
“You don’t have to tell me how to do my job,” said Gran, holding up a hand. “I’m a born detective, sweetie. Put me in a room with a suspect and I can tell at a glance whether they did it or not.” She tapped her nose. “It’s called intuition and I’ve got it up the wazoo.”
“Just… let me do the talking,” said Odelia, who didn’t seem comfortable with the idea of bringing her grandmother along for these interviews.
“So how did it go with Big Mac?” asked Dooley.
“It went great,” I said. “He identified seven people who snuck into the library last night, and then Marge recognized four of them. Number five was the guy they picked up last night—the one who stole Mr. Ackerman’s valuables and probably killed him, too. Number eight was a pizza guy, so that only leaves two more Uncle Alec needs to trace.”
“If the thief is the killer, why are we even doing these interviews?” asked Dooley, and very correctly so, I should add.
“Because the thief says he didn’t do it, and there’s some debate about whether to believe him or not. Chief Alec thinks he didn’t do it, and neither does Gran. Chase thinks he did it, and Odelia is on the fence.”
“What do you think, Max?”
“I don’t think anything. I’m a professional detective and professional detectives merely collect evidence then use deductive reasoning to come to a definite conclusion.”
Dooley looked appropriately impressed.“Did you learn all that from the Hallmark Channel?”
“Amongst other things,” I said smugly. I didn’t tell him I’d recently rewatchedSherlock Holmes 1 and2 with Odelia and that had taught me a thing or two, too. Mainly that Jude Law is probably the most handsome man alive, and that Robert Downey Jr. does a very wonky British accent.
We’d arrived at the Hampton Cove Star hotel, across the street from Vickery General Store, where one of my main informants Kingman holds court. Which reminded me I should have a chat with Kingman. This thing with Brutus’s spots had been worrying me and maybe Kingman had some old remedy to cure our friend. Some root or herb or whatever.
Odelia parked her car in a no-parking zone, then got out and Dooley and I followed suit. We trotted up to the hotel’s entrance and Odelia picked us both up and carried us inside. At least the Hampton Cove Star isn’t one of those No Pets Allowed places. I hate it when hotels do that. There should probably be a law against that. The no No Pets law.
Gran had taken out her smartphone and was aiming it at Odelia.
“What are you doing?” asked Odelia.
“Filming you. What do you think I’m doing?”
“And why are you filming me?”
“For my vlog. Didn’t I tell you? I have a vlog. It’s like a blog, but less boring because it’s got video. I’ve been filming lots of things. I filmed Tex while he was sleeping, and Marge while she was in the bathroom. I’m trying to paint a portrait of life as a middle-aged woman in the suburbs. I’m calling itDesperate Housewives.”
“You can’t use that title.”
“Too bad. I already did.”
“Desperate Housewives is a famous TV show, Gran.”
“I’m sure it’s not.”
“Besides, you’re not a middle-aged woman and Hampton Cove isn’t the suburbs.”
“You’re just jealous because I thought of it first.” She pointed her phone at us and Dooley and I stared up at her.
“Are we going to be in this movie, too, Gran?” asked Dooley.
“Of course you are. What would life for a desperate housewife be without her trusty pets? Now smile for the camera, you guys. Big smiles.”
I could have told her that cats don’t smile. Instead, we meowed. That seemed to satisfy her inner desperate housewife for she said, “Excellent,” and tucked her phone away.
“You’re not filming the suspects,” said Odelia.
“Of course I’m filming the suspects. I filmed Drood, didn’t I? And I filmed Ackerman—beforeand after he tumbled off his perch.”
Odelia turned to her grandmother, looking absolutely horrified.“You didn’t!”
Gran patted her phone.“This is going to be a very special episode ofDesperate Housewives. The one where Vesta and Odelia solve the murder of a famous writer.”
“You can’t film our murder investigation! That’s…” She flapped her arms like a desperate chicken. “Unethical not to mention people could sue for breach of privacy!”
“Poppycock.Cops does it all the time.”
“They have people sign release forms!”
“I don’t think so. People love to be on TV.”
The elevator had arrived on the second floor and jerked to a stop. The doors slid open and we all walked out. My paws sunk into the plush carpet and I couldn’t resist the urge to dig my claws in and do a little stropping. What? It was a very nice carpet!
Meanwhile, theDesperate Housewives feud was still ongoing.
“Gran,” said Odelia warningly, “put away that phone. Now!”
“I’m a vlogging detective! I can’t vlog without my phone!”
Odelia made a grab for Gran’s phone, but the old lady deftly held it out of reach.
“Gimme that,” Odelia grunted.
“Over my dead body,” Gran returned.
“That can be arranged.”
“You would strike your poor old grandmother?”
“I thought you were a desperate housewife?”
“You are being very rude, young lady,” said Gran, trying a different tack.
Just then, the door Odelia had knocked on swung open, and a heavyset woman with curly gray hair and horse-faced features appeared. She didn’t look happy to see us.
Immediately Odelia plastered a pleasant smile on her face.“Mrs. Ackerman? My name is Odelia Poole and this is Vesta Muffin. We’re civilian consultants working with the Hampton Cove Police Department and we would like to ask you a few questions about the death of your husband Chris Ackerman. May we come in?”
The woman’s eyes shifted between Odelia and Gran. Finally, she asked gruffly, “Why are you filming me?”
“Police procedure, Mrs. Ackerman,” said Gran swiftly. “To protect ourselves from potential lawsuits we’ve been legally advised to film any contact with the general public.”
“Huh,” said Mrs. Ackerman.
“Yup. Cops have body cameras. Civilian consultants have to make do with these.”
“Weird,” the woman commented, but then shrugged it off and bade us all entry.
Chapter 21
Odelia didn’t like Gran’s latest obsession. ThisDesperate Housewives thing could jeopardize their entire investigation. Then again, Gran was a smooth talker. She could probably talk her way out of any jam. Years of diligently watching every single soap opera out there had equipped her with a battery of ready-made quips or strategems to get her out of trouble. At least Mrs. Ackerman had been so distracted by Gran’s filming that she probably hadn’t even noticed that Max and Dooley had inserted themselves into the room.
“Take a seat,” Mrs. Ackerman said, gesturing at two chairs placed near the window. “This won’t take long, I hope? I just lost my husband and I’ve got a funeral to plan.”
She didn’t exactly seem overwrought with grief. Then again, we all have different ways of dealing with loss, so maybe being businesslike about it was Mrs. Ackerman’s way.
“This definitely won’t take long,” Odelia assured the other woman as she took a seat. “So where is your son? I thought you said over the phone he’d join us?”