Watching Kit Katt and Koh and their adventures was all fine and dandy, but doing it under duress was not. For one thing, Milo clearly wasn’t familiar with the etiquette involved in watching a TV show as a family. He kept getting up and moving about, then returning and sitting in a different place each time. And what was more, he kept accidentally stepping on the remote and pausing the show or even switching the channel. And the worst thing? He wasn’t even doing it on purpose I didn’t think. It was almost as if he couldn’t help himself.
“Sorry, dude,” he muttered when he suddenly planted his butt on my tail, then, when I extracted myself, started drumming his paw against my back for some reason!
His behavior was frankly driving me up the wall. So when he’d stepped on my toes for the third time, I snapped, “Will you just sit still for a second?”
He merely grinned up at me, then said, “Chill, dude. It’s only a stupid show.”
I gasped in shock, and so did Harriet, who was a big fan of Kit Katt and her handsome sidekick Koh. “Only a stupid show!” I echoed. “This is Kit Katt we’re talking about, Milo!”
He shrugged, now lying on his back and balancing his paws in the air. “Whatever.”
“It’s only the best cat show ever!”
“Yeah, it’s not like there are a ton of great cat shows,” said Brutus. “Dog shows? Too many to count. But cat shows? Nah. Almost as if Hollywood doesn’t care about us cats.”
“Yes, you’ve got your Lassie, you’ve got your Boomer and you’ve got your Benji, but no cats. What’s that all about?” Dooley added, clearly also a Kit Katt & Koh aficionado.
“Simple,” said Milo, now sticking his butt into the air and wiggling his tail. “Cats can’t act. Dogs, on the other hand, can.”
There were collective gasps of shock now, all of us staring at Milo like he’d just committed sacrilege, which he had. “Take that back,” I said.
“Take what back?”
“That cats can’t act.”
“But it’s true! Dogs can be taught to perform all kinds of tricks, which makes them the perfect actors. Only cats aren’t so easy to instruct. Hence the lack of cat shows.”
I was shaking my head. This was crazy talk. “You’re wrong,” I said vehemently.
“Actually he kinda has a point there, Max,” said Brutus. “Cats are difficult actors, and we all know how Hollywood feels about difficult actors. They get sidelined.”
I couldn’t believe this. Cats are a superior species. Everybody knows that. Compared to cats dogs are nothing. We have the better reflexes, the bigger brainpower, the greater charm, the works! “What about Tom and Jerry?” I said. “That’s a lot more popular than Lassie ever was.”
Milo gave me a strange look. “Tom and Jerry is a cartoon, Max.”
“So?”
“So there are no actual cats involved,” he said slowly.
“Oh,” I said, never having given this minor little detail a great deal of thought. “Well, I like Tom and Jerry,” I said stubbornly. “Even though Tom is something of a loser.”
Well, he is. What cat worth its salt keeps getting bested by a silly little critter?
The doorbell rang and immediately Milo jumped from the couch, where he’d been counting his belly hairs, and streaked off in the direction of the door.
“Poor Milo,” said Harriet. “He probably thinks it’s his human, here to pick him up.”
“He doesn’t,” I scoffed. “He probably thinks it’s the pizza guy with fresh food.”
Harriet gave me a slightly critical look. “Why are you being so mean to Milo, Max? He means well. And it’s not his fault he’s here, having to miss his home and his human.”
“Oh, please,” I said. “He’s like the guest you don’t want. Like Owen Wilson in You, Me and Dupree. He looks like an angel but deep down he’s just a spoiled little brat.”
“Maxie, Maxie,” said Brutus now, shaking his head. “How would you feel if Odelia handed you over to some stranger, and you suddenly found yourself having to share another cat’s food, being at the mercy of a human you never met? Huh? Put yourself in his paws for a moment. Have a heart.” He patted my chest. “I know it’s in there somewhere.”
That was rich, coming from Brutus. It wasn’t that long ago that he’d been that cat, coming in here with his swagger and his bullying ways. Just like Milo.
“I don’t like him,” I said decidedly. “And there’s nothing you can say that will make me change my mind.” The others were all staring past me, and my heart sank. “He’s right behind me, isn’t he?” They all nodded, and I slowly turned. I was right. Milo was behind me, giving me a sheepish look.
“Some big dude is at the door. I think he’s a cop?”
“Chase Kingsley,” said Brutus knowingly. “He’s my human.”
“Way to go, buddy,” said Milo. “He looks nice.”
“Yeah, I don’t see him all that much,” said Brutus. “I practically live at Odelia’s mom’s these days. They shipped me around for a while but I’ve decided to settle here.”
“I’ll bet you can relate, huh, Milo?” I said, trying to lighten the mood. “Being shipped around from human to human. Ha ha.”
But Milo wasn’t laughing. Instead, he was picking at the couch cover with his nails, his eyelids flickering nervously. “Uh-huh,” he said finally. “That’s right, Max. You got my number, buddy.” And then he promptly turned on his paw and padded off.
“Max!” Harriet said, and directed a reproachful look at me. “You’re so mean!”
“Yeah, you’re behaving like a first-rate bully, Maxie,” said Brutus.
Coming from a former bully of bullies that was the last thing I needed to hear!
Still, I felt a bit bad about the whole situation. No idea why, though, as I knew I was right and Milo was wrong. I mean, he was the intruder and I was the intruded, right?
Chapter 4
The episode of Kit Katt ended and Brutus and Harriet drifted off into the backyard, probably to stare at Grandma while she dug more holes. Cats love to watch humans dig holes. No idea why. Probably so they can pick up a few ideas on skill and technique.
“Hey, buddy,” I said to Dooley. “You’re awfully quiet. Something wrong?”
He shrugged. “Have you ever felt superfluous, Max?”
I was surprised Dooley would even know a big word like that. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that Harriet has Brutus and Brutus has Harriet. You have Odelia and Odelia has you. Even Milo has his human—even though she’s not here right now. But who do I have?”
“You have Grandma,” I said. “And she has you.”
He stared off in the direction of the garden, where Brutus was now giving Grandma a few tips on how to dig a hole by using her hands instead of that silly-looking shovel. “Grandma doesn’t care a hoot about me, Max. In fact I don’t think she ever did.”
“I’m sure that’s not true. Grandma loves you—she loves all of us.”
“No, she doesn’t. You know what she said to me the other day? That I shouldn’t sleep on her feet. She said she’s too old to have cats sleep on her feet. She also pushed me away when I tried to dig my nose into her armpit this morning. Said I was being silly and she was too old for that nonsense.” He shook his head. “I’m telling you, she’s getting ready to take me to the pound, Max. I can feel it in my bones.”
“Now don’t you talk like that, Dooley,” I told him. “That’s crazy talk. Maybe Grandma is acting a little weird lately but that’s just because she’s in a fight with Tex and Marge.”
“She’s in a fight with Tex and Marge and she’s decided she doesn’t want me anymore,” he said sadly.
Grandma had worked for her son-in-law Tex for years and years at Tex’s doctor’s office. But since Tex and Odelia’s mom Marge had protested Grandma’s attempt to move away and go and live with the rich family of her ex-boyfriend Burt Goldsmith, Gran had moved out of their house and into Odelia’s, and now things were very tense all around.